Sex after  1, 2 and 3 years POST Dday?

my FWW and I went thru the HB the first couple weeks after D day. thru out the first year, we had a reasonable sex life. things slowed down immensely once the 2nd year started. these days as we start into year 3 post Day it seems to have regulated to once every other month...so we are due in feb...ha

I have issues dealing w the thought of wanting to be intimate w my FWW. although I know from experience that when we go for an extended time with out intimacy, I feel even more disconnected from her, at the same, I have a hard time feeling that it is appropriate to be intimate if we are not necessarily connecting outside the bedroom.

so its like a Catch 22. I know sex helps me feel connected to her, but I don't want the only connection between us to be sex. I rarely initiate, partly for fear of rejection and partly because I don't want sex to be the only connection....yet with out it, I feel less and less connected....

so, we are pretty disconnected these last few months, sex once every 60 or so days.... and since I feel disconnected, I feel that it would be selfish to just have sex to have sex.

lately, I find myself rationalizing to myself that sex shouldn't be the biggest connection in a marriage....

I look at it this way, if I am not all that interested in having a discussion w my FWW or spending time w her, why would I want to have sex with her?

thru out the first and 2nd year post d day, I often talked about parts of this in couples MC and said , if I just have sex to have sex, then I am no better then the men she had sex with during her serial cheating.....and I don't want to be anything like those men

prior to her infidelity we went thru a period of having sex 5 times within 5 years. when she found out she was pregnant, we didn't. have sex for almost a full 2 years afterwards. I didn't mind, as we were pretty beat dealing w newborn twins....but after it hit year 3, 4 and 5.... I was feeling pretty distant.... and just convinced myself that we reached that point in a marriage when sex stopped , although we were in our early 40s

when we were trying to conceive, sex changed from a truly intimate connection, to a quick physical act of ejactulation .... she would literally say, "I need your seed, get on....ejaculate, then she'd say, ok, you're done...you can go no" .... so that was the 1 or 2 years before getting pregnant.

I've never been the type of guy who needs to have sex, and I've always felt selfish if I initiate sex just because I'm horny...so I end up repressing that urge because I don't want to be some selfish guy.

so for me, its a snake eating its own tail. 

not having sex, makes me feel disconnected 

feeling disconnected makes me feel like not wanting to have sex because it feel selfish and trite and a relationship should be able to have something more then sex to hold it together

as a man, sometimes I wonder why a woman would even want to have sex w a man.... especially if the woman isn't getting off or having an orgasm..... why would a woman want to subject her self to a guy pounding away for a few minutes just so he can get off?

the idea of a quickie for me seems unfair to my FWW. why put my pleasure and animal desire before her, so when we do have sex, I insure she is satisfied multiple times before I the launch.

in the early years of our relationship we had tons and tons of mind blowing sex. deciding to try to conceive changed that, as did getting pregnant, as did becoming parents.

we ended up doing some type of HB (although I didn't know thats what it was when it was happening) when she started the affairs... we went from 5 times in 5 years to 55 times in 60 days....

end result.

I really have a very hard time negotiating and dealing w sex these days.

the last year of my first marriage, I went thru something similar. my 1st wife and I were not getting along, I had moved out for 6 weeks at one point, and the last year we had sex 2 times. I brought the same thing up in MC w 1st wife ....if I don't want to talk to her, why would I want to have sex w her?