our weekend...
I am not religious. i left the catholic church when i was 13. i am 49. my wife was never raised in any religion

my wife and I were the only 2 non catholics there out of 20 couples

did i know that ?
yes. i knew there would be some religious element to the weekend, but it states all faiths/non faiths are welcome.

it wasn't an issue for us, unless we made it an issue

the imagery conjures lots of stuff up w me...nothing w my wife since she wasn't raised catholic

my initial inclination when they would interject jesus and god was to roll my eyes and tune out, but i thought, "well, what would i do if they mentioned or quoted Ghandi, Mohamed, Krishna, Buddha, Lao Tzu, Confusious, Socrates, Wayne Dyer, Mother Teresea, etc , and i thought, i'd think "COOL"...
so that was the approach i took when then got their catholic on.

If you already believe its a deal breaker before going in, then it will be a deal breaker.

I choose to approach it in a way that made sense to me.

it was an amazing weekend.
exhausting
emotional

my wife and I had done a hell of a lot of work before the weekend. for some of the couples, this weekend was the first time they ever communicated about thoughts and feelings ..etc.
we were ahead of the game on this one, yet we still have a long way to go

i felt a bond with the presenters and the participants.

hugs, tears, smiles were shared between us all

we go for 6 post weekend 4 hr sessions over the next month and a half

we are looking forward to it.

some thoughts from the weekend....

one on forgiveness
i have known from early on in this scenario, that the day i forgive, is the day i really start on my healing road. i also told myself, i wouldn't take my ring back until i forgave.

sunday morning, i was thinking about mistakes i made in life... one was when i was very young and i pushed a kid down onto the ground just so other folks around me would think i was cool. i still feel bad and guilty about that. i still can replay the scene in my head. it comes up in my head often

i thought
i did a bad thing
i chose poorly
i intentionally did something that was hurtful
i make a mistake
but making a mistake, is not the same as being a mistake
forgiving the actions and behaviors is different then forgiving a person

the question we ask ourselves is
Can I forgive you?

thinking about that, i think that is a ludicrous question

what am i going to forgive YOU for?
am i going to forgive you for being YOU?
for being different then me
for being capable of making mistakes and bad choices?

your actions and behaviors are NOT you. they are incidental in the most basic definition of the word.
they are INCIDENTS
they are things that happened
that are choices
they are actions
they are behaviors

but do they really define who YOU are as person...as a human being?

I think NO

Forgiving my actions as a child , was easy...when i made the difference of actions vs person
i couldn't forgive myself for that because in my mind, i made no distinguishing between the person and the action.

forgiving the action i did...was easy..it was pretty much a NON EVENT...it didn't require much thought

forgiving myself..... there isn't anything to forgive
im not going to forgive myself for being myself....for being human...for making bad choices
i made a lot of bad choices in my life
they don't make me a bad person

so this weekend, i was able to forgive my past mistakes , because it wasn't ME i was forgiving, it was the THINGS I DID....which is a big difference

when i was able to see that, and apply it to myself, i thought
"jesus, that was easy...it was so easy, it was a non event"

and i realized, i can forgive my wife's choices and mistakes and behaviors

i don't need to FORGIVE HER...because no one needs to be forgiven for being themselves

i forgave her actions, her choices, her mistakes, her past

the act of doing so, was a non event
the after effect for me was

clarity
calmness
peace

when i saw her after that i . explained that process that i just went thru, then said
"i want my ring back"

the question was NEVER
"can I forgive you?"
the question was
"can i accept you?"

today is the 21st
exactly 9 months ago on DEC 21st, I took off my ring, and threw it at her over the dining room table.

9 months is the time is takes for a new life to form

this weekends retreat was the 18, 19 and 20th
9 months ago on the 18th, was the last time my wife had sex with a man who wasn't me
the 19th she confessed to 4 affairs
the 20th she confessed to 8 affairs

exaclty 12 months ago this weekend, she told me she and her exBFF were going to camping for a moms weekend
my wife spent the weekend w another man, her exBFF spent the weekend w another man other then her husband as well

its a loaded set of dates for the two of us

but we have taken those dates back
we made new memories to over layer the old associations

as we wrote some ideas to one another, i said "i think we just wrote recommitment vows"

before DEC 2014, i had planned to renew vows this Sept 29 for 15 yr anniversary, but of course, i changed my mind

2-3 weeks ago, i started thinking about a recommitment ceremony at the Unitarian Universalist church, which we started to goto in Jan 2015 and official joined in April 2015. even talked to the minister about it (he doesn't know any of the story)

after our talk yesterday, (my wife and mine) , i brought up the recommitment idea. we had talked about it a few weeks ago. doing it , not because we are healed, but because we are WORKING on the healing.... using it as symbol....and outward symbol of the progress we each have made over the last 9 months

so i said to her
you know, there is a priest here, and a chapel. how about if we go find the priest and tell him we want to do a recommitment ceremony right NOW. yes, i immediately started to have doubts..that is my default response...but i said...fuck it...that was the idea..and i am going to do it

we found the priest
asked him
he said yes

there was a mass for the participants after the sessions ended at 4
we went to the mass with them
holy shit..they changed a bunch of the words in the prayers....
anyways
and after the homily, we got up on the altar , in front of 19 catholic couples, and read our new vows to one another

light shown on us from the stain glass windows
we both cried
the people in the pews cried

we aren't done by a long shot
but we are finally starting on the healing road
up until now, it was cutting thru the brush of the forest, trying to get to the road.

we made it to the road

and now the rest of our journey lay ahead of us.