Hey I am all for renewing our vows and I said that I wanted it right after DDay#1. Now I am even more interested in this after DDay #2. But I do agree with znzsmom in that I dont want to do it too early. I want to know that H has realized everything that was lost in these OW's and that this is a moment that will be treasured ... forever.

Funny story: 2 years plus some change after DDay, we were planning a celebration with brand new vows. I was very excited; my H (CS) was excited but also increasingly nervous. We wrote our own vows, which had so much stuff about honesty and vulnerability and intimacy that we never thought to include the first time around. My H was nervous and put off working on the vows... lo and behold, the whole process convinced him to confess the last of those pesky affair-details so he could do his new vows with a clean heart. Whodathunk THAT was the way to finally get the whole, unmitigated, unminimized story?!? One I wasn't even looking for at the time. Go figure. But it has been a good opportunity to process some leftover emotions and finally let a lot of it go. I think we will both have "cleaner hearts" when we say our vows this time!

I've been thinking about it, our 10 year anniversary is in September, 7 months past dday. I'm not sure if it is too soon, but I think it would mean a great deal to me. Last year he was trying to get into her pants and telling her he loved her, so I told him he owes me a special anniversary this year. I think I would like it to be more of his idea though, so I may have to wait a few more years.

This is something we have also talked about. I mentioned it to my H and he has brought it up over and over. We don't know when, we are only about 5 weeks out from D day. We are thinking of next year, it is just too soon right now.

In the early months I wanted to renew my vows. I am glad we didn't in the beginning because it was too soon and it would have only been a reaction instead of truly meaningful for me.

Going forward I am on the fence about this one. It would be nice to have something that recognizes a fresh start but I hate to let the A nullify 20+ years of some good memories that the old anniversary signifies. Like mvgfwd, I think I would want my husband to be the one to initiate new vows and I doubt that will ever happen.

But the biggest fallout of the A is that I can not celebrate our old anniversary date. This year was our second anniversary post dday and we treated it like an ordinary day. I just can't buy a card that says faithful in it but I don't want to buy a card every year that indicates conflict. So maybe a new anniversary date would be the thing to do.

I am starting to talk myself in circles here....or actually "type" myself in circles.

Beach, I understand where you are coming from. My A was one month before our 35th on October 20, we renewed our vows March 14th. We celebrate on both.
If you go to, I would encourage everyone to go this site www.therelationshipinstitute.org, under the topic of "After a Betrayal: Trust Building Behaviors, (High-Cost Trust Building Behaviors) * Create with me a ritual for us to mark the ending of our old relationship and our commitment to building a new relationship. You don't have to throw away the 20 years, you can just add to them only on a different day.

Beach I am with you here. My Dday and my wedding anniversary are three days apart. So on June 9th, I am "mourning" and then three days later I should "celebrate"?

We need a new day too but it needs to be pretty damn significant.

Like I said before, my H wants to do this, for me the jury is still out.

At the beginning I wanted to renew our vows right away. I think I thought that if he stood in front of someone and said his vows again, he would be recommitted. I'm glad we didn't. I have mentioned it a few times, but I honestly don't think I'm ready yet. I feel "unmarried" right now for lack of a better word, but I really want to make sure that this is the right thing to do. As much as it hurts to feel "unattached", it would hurt more to have my husband say things that he isn't ready to commit to yet. Hope that makes sense. I guess I agree, that when the timing is right, you will know it in your heart. Don't do it hoping it will "fix" something, or that it will help you forget. Do it because you truly love your husband and want to share a life with him.

I forgot to add this one from www.therelationshipinstitute.org, "Recognize on an annual basis a date for each of us to renew our commitment to our healing and creating a more resilient relationship".

This is a tough one for me. Renewing your vows is really, really wearing your emotions on you sleeve, as the saying goes. About three months after Dday, once my wife returned, I asked her to marry me again. I wanted her to know that I truly wanted our relationship to last and that we could work together to put her affair behind us and move on. I proposed to her again, out of the blue on our back porch, with a new engagement ring and with some trepidation she agreed to renew our vows. We planned a small ceremony and invited a couple friends and family.

It was crushing to me to find she was still in communications/relationship with the OM thru most of our "second" engagement and even weeks before the "wedding" I didn't learn of this til many months after but I was devastated. We continue to work on our relationship/trust issues...

Needless to say, I did asked to renew our vows because I wanted to leave no doubt in her mind regarding my intentions and show her how committed I was to repair our relationship. I still struggle with how she could say "yes" and continue the relationship with the OM.... After all the lies, mis-truths, deception in the previous several months, I couldn't believe she could continue...