last few weeks, the facts of the past (i.e. the time during my wife's multiple infidelities) has been popping up more than they have.   I attribute that to me feeling a disconnect growing between my wife and I, and I attribute that due to the fact that the last few weeks my wife had been sick and ended up in the hospital and is just getting back to normal.

 

its MY perception ...not necessarily the objective truth , that I experience, and that drives me back onto the "oh yeah, that happened  , with him, back then...etc..."    

 

I described it in a post from yesterday as "re-inventorying the past, but not reliving the past"

 

I came to the epiphany that it was my perception of a disconnection and a trigger  to how things "were" before the affairs began

 

talking to my wife about this, she says, it's because she was feeling so crappy, ended up in the hospital...etc....and is taking a while to get back to normal"....so from her perception,  although there may in fact be a slightly temporary disconnection, its not because she is cheating, its because people get sick, life is tough, raising kids is exhausting, and even though we both know better these days, we still fall in to old pattern of not carving out enough intimacy and quality times together.

 

im rambling...bear w me.

 

 

so last evening, during our daily evening drink and smoke on the porch after the kids are asleep, I bring up this stuff, and I had just got back from an s-anon meeting, so I had been thinking about other stuff as well.   my wife was pretty exhausted, bleary eyed...and honestly, it wasn't the best time to start into any heavy philosophizing,  but these days, if I have something brewing around in my head, I try to get it out, instead of just ignoring it.

 

she's not all that tuned into the conversation and all I'm getting from her is an "yep...uh huh..." which normally would really upset me, but I know she has been wiped out lately.... however, she perks up finally when she brings up something I did earlier in the day that upset her.   I had got home from work, sat down for dinner w family , and needed to hit the bathroom before I left for my meeting. on the way to the bathroom , she says "you need to look at this mail we got from the mortgage company".  I say.."no...I NEED to go to the bathroom ...right now , and I;ll look at it when I am done.:

 

come out of the bathroom some time later, and now its time for me to leave for my meeting, but she sticks the letter in my face and says "here...look at this" ...and I get upset and say..."I have to go...why do I need to look at this right now...I can look at it when I come home, or tomorrow, and I;ll call the mortgage company tomorrow when I am at the office"

 

she seems perturbed that I didn't look at it, and starts walking away saying " I have to go do gardening" ...I stick the letter in her face and say snakily "no...you need to look at this right now!" ...then I say in a childish manner "see...how do YOU like it when someone does it to YOU....pretty annoying HUH?"   ...yeah...brownie points for me  ...NOT. she leaves to go outside, I get in my car and head to my meeting and think "wow...that was real dick head thing for me to do"

 

so, she brings this up in the evening.... and I get pissed again because, I'm talking openly to her about stuff on my mind....and getting mono syllabic responses from her, yet as soon as she brings up something shitty I did, she seems to have lots of energy to talk.

 

I say, "yes....I was a dick...I don't know why I did that...I was an Automatic response... I think I did it because I wanted you to experience exactly how annoyed I felt when you were so insistent that I do what you wanted when you wanted me to.  

 

and she asked me a great question

she asked "why was it so important for you to make me feel the way you felt?"

 

I thought...hmmm.... thats a good question.  I really don't have a good answer.  I know that I wanted you to feel my level of annoyance...but was it so you would understand my mood...or was it because I wanted you to suffer...or was it some revenge because I got upset by your actions?

 

and then I did my arm chair Freud and said "hmmm.... what if that was some weird microcosm of me know that I could have you experience my feeling of frustration

 and annoyance...... because for the last 2.5 years, I knew that there was no possible way you would ever be able to experience the feelings and devastation I experienced after finding out about your multiple affairs?"

 

to which she responds "hmm" ...and I change the subject and we go to bed.

 

but on the drive into work this morning, I think about that exchange last night....and I wonder....;yeah...WHY did I want her to FEEL what I FELT?"  why was that so important to me , at that particular time...why did I immediately race in child mode snarky and sarcastic.

 

and I thought.... maybe it wasn't HER I was mad at....maybe it was ME I was mad at.  and I started to go back to facts or perceptions of our marriage pre affairs, and look at my actions, reactions, perceptions, beliefs..etc....and start to think "man... yes, there was a major disconnect w both of us...an lots of times I thought she was mean, angry or ambivalent , but boy..there were also lots and lots of times when I was a real assholeprick .....  

 

and I started thinking or ,,,ok...so. I get mad or I am still mad at myself....for what...for being the occasionally dickhead husband?    and I came to conclusion , that anger at myself , came from my own sense of SHAME and GUILT at my behavior, my incorrect perceptions, my anger , my role in the disconnection of our relationship prior to the affairs.

 

so, I'm wondering , if the reason for the last few weeks of me , thinking about the affairs, and feeling off and disconnected, is LESS about the state of my wife in the present, but much more tied into the state of ME in the PAST....and I'm finally coming to grips w my mistakes in the relationship...and feeling emotions like shame and guilt (not to say, I am accepting blame for my wife's choices...those choices were hers..)....but  I do find that when I think about the past, I think much more about what I WAS DOING ...or WASNT DOING..... what was I doing right...what wasn't I doing right..... much more than thinking about what she wasn't doing right.

 

does this make any sense to anyone ?????

 

 

no wonder I sometimes bore my wife w my musings