It takes a while. Let me tell you a little story to make you feel better. This is one of my most shining moments to be sure.

About 3 weeks after dday I had a major separation with sanity one afternoon. I decided that it was time to confront her. I first went to the retail store she works at (wasn't there) so then I went to the area she mows lawns in (mind you this woman has a masters degree but no one will hire her cause she is trouble). So I'm driving around and I find a truck matching the description my H gave me. There is a teenage boy doing landscaping in the front so I think AH HA found you whore.

I jump out of my car and yell at the teenager "where is B****?" He tells me "mam I don't know who you are talking about" I decide this kid is covering for her and say "I hope you aren't protecting that whore-face dog and she is really in the back or something"

This poor boy then says "Mam I really don't know who you are talking about and I hope you for your sake you can find her but I swear if I knew where she was I would tell you" I then realize I scaring the absolute hell out of this poor kid. So I sit down with him for a couple minutes, explain I'm not crazy and apologize. The whole time he is looking at my phone that I fumbling with and asks if those are my kids on the home screen. I say yes and he tells me "I'd be mad as hell too if she messed with your kids the way I bet she did." Such understanding from someone so young. My obsessing over her didn't end that day but it sure took a hit.

Hang in there. This part does get better with time.

Yes it does. To be honest with you, I am more angry about what she did after the A than the A itself. First she lied to my H's boss which led to his getting fired. She knew damn well that he was supporting, not just a wife, but 2 children! Then, 2 years after that, after she should have moved on with her pathetic life, she sent me the message on FB.

The job thing turned into a blessing because my H found a much better job, more money, a company car, a higher position and a decent boss. The FB message though was nothing but a vicious attempt at revenge that affected not only my H, not only me but also our innocent children. Anyway, as for the A itself, I have come to realize that it wasn't about her. She was nothing special. She could have been substitued by any other whore who pretended my H was superman. She stroked his selfish ego. The A was all about him wanting to escape reality. My anger towards the OW is more about how she violated my family after the A.

Here's the bottom line though. I need to give it up. She's walking around feeling satisfied that she had her revenge. She could give a rat's behind that she has sent my world into a tailspin. I need to take back that power and let go of my anger towards her; it's only eating me up inside. Try to let it go. These OW don't care about anyone else but themselves, not even our H's. It's all about their selfish need for attention, damn the wife and damn the children! We all have stories and we all make mistakes. Some OW realize they were wrong and walk away. They are mature enough and sane enough to accept that they knew what they were risking when they got involved with married men. Then there are the gems like my H's OW who actually feel entitled to steal someone else's H just because they want to. Why should we allow them to rob another moment of our thought life? I know I didn't give you a solution because I'm still struggling myself, but I do know that you have to try to let it go. It's not about her, it never was.

Thank you ladies!!! It's good to know that I'm not alone with I this "crazy" thoughts. I won't do any of it but it's good to vent!!!

OMG...I must write her a letter everyday...never send them. I know more about her than my H does. I have driven by her new home and I have had days where I have thought about showing up at her job or house. It kills me that she has not even remotely said she is sorry for what she has done to my son. She will not speak to either of us and has told DSS we must have a court order to talk to her. I was FB with her father but now he has blocked me.

Fortunately my OW is a 5 hr drive away, because I don't think I could have restrained myself in the beginning from going and ripping her face off. Believe me I have had to say alot of prayers to ask God to forgive my dark thoughts about her and help me to forgive. Still haven't quite gotten there yet, but it is getting better. Cudos to you out there that are within striking distance, yet have restrained yourselves!!

We were in the same zipcode, both work in the same installation, I dont know maybe she was hiding from me cause I did not see her or cross paths with her. I want to rip her face off and gut her like a fish!!!! I didn't want to get arrested so I didn't go to her office but if I have seen her walking around that might have been another story!! They are both gone now overseas and I still want to squash her like a bug!!!!!!!!!

I still don't know how I am restraining myself from confronting my OW. She lives a block away from me and I see her probably once a week.

I think it's because I know her so well I think she will be smug about it and I won't get any satisfaction from it.

She is keeping very quiet about it all as her H doesn't know the full story but I can tell you if I hear that she has bad-mouthed me or my H (she has told her H that mine basically stalked her and she was just so flattered she just had to respond to his constant texting - likes to leave out the part where she offered up her house and bed for their weekly f***ing sessions) to anyone and I hear about it she won't have the pleasure of not having to face me any longer!!

znzsmom, you wrote:
She was nothing special. She could have been substitued by any other whore who pretended my H was superman. She stroked his selfish ego. The A was all about him wanting to escape reality. My anger towards the OW is more about how she violated my family after the A.


This sounds exactly like what my H said to me " that she could have been anyone. She was convenient. I was selfish. It was all about myEGO and a fantasy".

WTF is wrong with these men and their massive need to be stroked, need to be coddled 24/7 EGOS? Grow UP! Just because some woman tells you how great you are, you go off and throw away everything for some B.S.

Awwwwwwww........it is his fault, he didn't know how to keep it in his pants or did she just walk and fell on his d***??!!!!!!! His fault for lying, for not been faithful, for breaking his vows, for hurting me, for everything but today I just feel like kicking her so hard in the ass that her mouth will bleed!!!! I want to punch her in the face so hard!!!! Or just bit** slap her and leave my pretty hand marked in her face forever!!! I just wish that they would let us have a wrestling match so I can slam her on the ground!!! Awwwww!!!!!!!!!!! I wish I could scream to the world that (her name)is the biggest sl** and wh***!!!!

need, I know, right? It's like these men follow the same dumbass script!Play, I'm afraid that if I got into a wrestling match with the whore, she'd crush me. She now has like forty pounds on me! LOL. Sorry, but I can't help but dance a little jigg of glee that she's an obese loser!

Ohh znz you just made me laugh for the 1st time today!!!!

I do know how frustrating it is to struggle over obsessing over the OW. It continues to be a challenge for me to this day and I am over one year post dday. You are correct, the OW owes us nothing. They don't know us. They are not the person who entered into a marriage contract with us...had children with us....shared good times and bad with us. So it really is ridiculous to waste time and energy hating them. The sad thing is, I still do it. I can't help it. She was married. She knew my H was married and if nothing else, she violated the "womans code of honor to look after her fellow sistas."

I get angry thinking that she has just flitted away after destroying my sanity and that her life is just marvelous on her end of the world. But I know deep down it is not. Her husband found out before me and I have read enough postings from men on this site to know that their struggle is even greater in some cases than ours. On the days that I have felt overwhelmed with my desire to buy a plane ticket and fly to her town to kick the living shit out of her, I try to be quiet and just pray for her husband. I still dry heave when I try to bring up her name (I'm not setting a good Christian example here, am I?) in prayers.

I don't think I will ever be able to forget about her. I just hope that one day I will be able to think about her with detachment rather than raw, seething hate coupled with the desire to punish. I know that for my own sanity and mental health that I need to get over her. Even giving her one minute of my time in thought allows her to continue to steal my peace. I need to take that power away from her.

I don't know who my OW is. I wish I did. I am sometimes obsessed with finding out who she is. H says she was some random girl he met on a dating website and never knew her full name nor can he remember her full login name or address to her home, where they met. This frustrates me to no end, as I constantly wonder if he's lying about her identity, and I worry that we'll be out somewhere together and she'll spot us and know who I am, but I won't know who she is. I've asked him three different times and he says the same thing each time. It's maddening. But I guess, really, in a way I'm also glad that she was of so little consequence to him that he never asked her last name or learned anything else about her. (or so I am led to believe). My biggest goal in finding her identity is to prove that he told me the truth about who she is. That sometimes keeps me up nights wondering if she's actually a neighbor or someone he works with. I would have said he's not THAT stupid, but then, I'm here, so apparently that's up for debate.

Hopefully my recent experience will give you all some hope for the future. I no longer care about the OW. She was a "friend". Yeah right. Anyway - for quite a while I have felt "over it". Then I saw her in a supermarket one day - just thought "ugh". She was in all her grey/grungie coloured sludgy clothing looking like death warmed up and I just felt sorry for her. I was at a community event last week - she walked in. She took one look at me and cowered at the back of the room and then left early. Me? I just didn't care. She obviously did - as she should. I'm done - she still has to live with herself. Bear that in mind next mind it starts to get to you.

"I got obsessed with the OW because (1) she helped devastate me and apparently has no guilt or remorse about it, and I really would like to know that she hurt too or paid for it somehow, and (2) I wondered if she really was what he wanted, instead of me."

I could have wrote that. In the beginning I was indifferent about her. Yes the A hurt me and made me angry but I really didn't care about her one way or the other as long as she was gone. I think a lot of that was just the shock of it all. After a few months is when it really hit me how much I hate her and that was when the obsessing started.