Not having one of my better days today
wrote the majority of these thoughts out and sent them to wife and friends and therapists....


November is a loaded month for me…

my Moms death, 1 year ago on oct 30th, her funeral, my wife trying to start something my w cousin after the funeral lunch, , her first physical rendezvous w Ap1 nov 2013 , putting down dog in Oct 2014, then getting a new dog last nov 2014 as a family experience, but that memory is tainted now.. , her starting a new affair w AP8 end of nov last year…its starting to close in on me

Was ok this morning, but thoughts just took over on the way in

Vision of a couch in the background w a figure sitting on the couch in the shadow so you can’t distinguish anything about the person on the couch
Then I see this scene thru a movie camera lens, and then see AP1 right up in front taking up most of the screen, then he holds up his iPhone and starts taking selfies of himself and the person in shadows on the couch. He laughs

Looking at people and cars on the way in. thinking it’s like watching a tv show, feels like they aren’t real. Like its dreaming while awake. I wondered if that is how the maniacs who go on shooting rampages look at the world. Disconnected. Like it wouldn’t matter what the did to anybody. Like it would be make believe
I wonder if that is how a psychopath and sociopath go thru life. Just disconnected…and not caring…not feeling that anything around is real or have any value other than providing entertainment for them

I wonder if that’s how you looked at me and our 5 year children in Nov 2013 when you made the decision to cross the line of online emotional affair to a physical affair with Ap1. That we just weren’t real anymore. That we just didn’t matter.

I wonder how could you have done that …our children were only 5 years then

I start wondering if I have some mental problem… mental illness….and that’s why I start to feel disconnected from things sometimes

I think about how I felt things change in Nov 2013, and how when we talked you said that I started to pull back…to pull away after the 55/60 days of intimacy we had after 5 years of no intimacy…and now I think, that is bullshit. I didn’t pull away…you did…you became distant as you allowed yourself to get closer to crossing that line with AP1, and then after you crossed that line, nothing was ever the same again

I wonder if I will ever get over this

I wonder if marrying you was a mistake

I wonder if having children with you was a mistake

I wonder if staying with you was a mistake

I wonder if this CBT DBT IOP EMDR EFT NET Retrouvialle is all bullshit and nothing more than someone making money on peoples sadness and weakness, and laughing their way to the bank about how gullible people are to apply this stuff

I wonder if I have an idea that seems like an epiphany , is it really some great new insight or is it just something that everyone else knows, that I just realized.

I wonder if life would be better without me around

I wonder if we stay together, and years later, I just finally admit to myself that I cannot do this any longer and that I just can’t ever get over the fact that the fact that would you did was wrong, wasn’t enough to stop and prevent you from doing it in the first place, and then countless other times.

I wonder if I can really live at peace with myself, living with someone who lied and deceived me so long, and did it so well….lied right to my face when I point blank asked about AP2 the night you confessed about your exBFF and her affair w AP2

I wonder if I should ever send this message to you