Dude ... you are your own worst enemy. Using that convoluted logic, your wife has been the victim of your anger and should have left years ago. You are also in a group of people who have made the decision to stay and I don't see any victims here.

The CS doesn't get off scot-free. I could give you a million examples, but suffice it to say that this is something that follows them for a long time.

As others have mentioned, you seem to be an angry, manipulative person at the moment. If you can't get yourself past the point of needing to punish your wife and see her suffer then it would be compassionate to let her go find someone who wants to be in a healthy relationship.

she had 8 affairs in 15 months
8!

one w someone who was a friend of mine in a band w me
2 of them ...sex in my house

at my mothers funeral, she tried to pick up my cousin and then sexted him the following days

ive read a ton online about affairs.... i cant find one single story that matches ours.....

she started the affairs during a time, when the two of us reconnected after 5 years of a total lack of intimacy while our kids were babies and toddlers.... she was getting tons of attention from me... validation...love...intimacy.... and yet...that wasnt enough for her.... after her first two hookups , which she attributes to convenience, she began trolling ashleymadison and craigslist for hookups....

she went and had tatoos inked one day...love birds...that were a sign of our love...and one of the AP met her at the parlor...and after she was inked...they had sex in the back of her car in the middle of the day on a busy street...

who does that?????????

manipulative? i cant even think straight half the time..... i dont even feel control of my own thoughts and emotions some days.....

alot of my anger pre affairs had alot to do with how she treated me... if i was upset about something, id try to talk to her...she would tell me to my face "get over it...thats just the way i am" .... last year she was diagnosed w ADHD...it was enlightening as it explained quite a bit of how people around her...see her as a pretty self absorded and rude person...she has lost many a friendship over her inability to show any empathy w others.

so...anger...yes... i was angry for years.... in fact, as far as i am concerned, i should have been the one tempted to stray ...but i didnt...ever... because 1. its wrong, 2. im not capable...

Wow Lisa that was harsh. You sound more like acs in that comment.

We have all been through the crazy roller coaster. The feelings are all over the place for a long time. Yes we are all here on this page because we've chosen to "try" to rebuild. But not everyone has been successful. We are here to vent and share our experiences.

Most of us have had our low points where we wanted that poundof flesh. Most have fantasized (even if just for a moment) of the revenge A, the one that shows them just how awful the pain is. But at the end of the day, that pound of flesh won't make the marriage better and it won't fix your pain. It will give temporary satisfaction but have long term effects.

You are in the crazy ride of being a bs and that isn't easy to understand. 8 affairs is a lot. I am married to a man who spent 3 years with the same woman and she had his baby. I envy your situation. Crazy right? Somehow my mind created a multi mini A scinerio dieting the years I suspected him cheating but he denied.

The reality of a long term was worse and long term witha child? Oh boy.

Have you brought up this whole trigger situation with your mc? The fact that she doesn't want to hear it anymore? I can understand there coming a point where you need to handle some on your own, some through counseling and the more important ones with her.

If there is a benefit from telling her, through your must and she must accept that. For example, maybe a particular outfit that she wore with them or a restaurant she went to with them. If she knows those are triggers she can either avoid them or help you get through them.

However if you in a spiral and everything is triggering you, there's not a lot she can do and chances are she may not have the skill set to handle them.

When I went through something similar during my rebuild I separated from my husband. We were already living apart but as the 1 year was approaching I was feeling much of what you are. I was developing delayed anger and hatred and a feeling of being the fool. I couldn't even look at pictures from when my daughter was an infant or when I was pregnant with her if he was in them.

It was during a moment of organizing some pictures and I looked at him and the particular facial hair growth he had at that time. I wanted to reach into that moment and strangle him. I felt such deep hatred. At the same time guilt. He was trying to change. He was very remorseful. He did love me but I was falling into the rabbit hole and couldn't get out.

That's when I called him and said "I need a break from rebuilding and focusing on this marriage" I told him he deserved forgiveness and I wanted to give that to him but I was too broken to give that to him. I explained that I needed to search my soul and find a way to hall and forgive him. I knew that at that point I needed to forgive him to heal me. I was useless to him, myself, and the kids with all that anger and hatred.

We took a few months off. All we did was Co parent. He had time to think about a lot of things including some non affair issues we had never resolved and I turned to God. My priority became forgiving. It was no longer about will the marriage work. I intended to forgive regardless of how we ended up. Forgive because he was the father of my children and he was desperately sorry for his actions, even if he didn't always choose the best way to show it.

After s few months and a family tragedy we jointly decided to move back in and I forgave him.

The real rebuilding began at that point and rust too was hard work. We are still a, work in progress and sometimes I'm tempted to flee but that's more about my whole life in general not necessarily him or the A.

If your angeris getting in the way you may need to take a step back from "rebuilding the marriage" and work hard on rebuilding yourself. Finding that place of loving yourself and accepting your past. Don't punish her because your dad was a dick.

Discuss this with the mc and get professional perspective.

I'm not proof reading so excuse me if there are any weird typos/auto spells.

Just an FYI ADHD are not inherently self absorbed or rude.

Adult attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) is a mental health condition exhibited by difficulty maintaining attention, as well as hyperactivity and impulsive behavior. Adult ADHD symptoms can lead to a number of problems, including unstable relationships, poor work or school performance, and low self-esteem.

I have ADHD, I was diagnosed in 3rd grade. I am 45 now. I have not had an affair. I have had poor work and school performance.

There was a point in my marriage I was fed up and never stayed home. I plunged myself into my kids and activities so I didn't have to remember he forgot my birthday, Valentine's Day, Anniversary, Mothers Day ect.. I stayed busy so I appeared to have a happy marriage. He met enough of my emotional needs I didn't look elsewhere, I apparently didn't meet enough of his.

"He met enough of my emotional needs I didn't look elsewhere, I apparently didn't meet enough of his."

Or: when/if the opportunity for infidelity came your way, you said now, whereas when it came his way, he said yes.

It's not as if there is some balance scale and oops - it tipped out of your favor - and THEREFORE he sought an affair. It's just not that simple. I have been "tempted" towards infidelity when my husband and I were going strong. It wasn't that he wasn't good enough, it was simply (at the time) that I was curious. In the end, curiosity wasn't enough (at the time) to sway me, and yes, I suppose if things had been going more poorly it would have given me some convoluted justification for cheating, BUT: when things WERE bad between us and my husband was NOT (at all!!) meeting my needs, I did not seek out an affair.

It's possible that I didn't cheat during those times because no opportunity presented itself, but nor did I go hunting it down, even though I wasn't happy with my husband and my needs were not being met.

Choices are choices. What others are or are not doing may influence our choices, but in the end, we srill have free will.

Edit: you said now = you said NO