Rebuilding Marriage After Infidelity Community Group
A community for those who have been through the heartbreak of infidelity and decided to stay with their partner and try to re-build the relationship.
what a month...each week i seem to notice a change in myself...they way i think about things... weeks ago, i finally felt true distance from the past and triggers and mind movies....
a week past that, i started feeling "acceptance" of the past...ie ..what happened, happened...that was then..this is now... we are working on the now, in order to create a better future.
and last night, talking to my wife, our evening routine is and has been, once the kids are down, we go outside , have a drink , a smoke and talk..., so last night...i was thinking of the last year..and thought "WHAT IF...WHAT IF..what i have been doing this last year...staying...counseling...willing to reconcile..willing to consider that forgiveness is an option...WHAT IF...all of that..could only be accomplished by someone who really STRONG?" .... because, often during this year past DDAY...ive felt WEAK for staying.... but last night... i thought... i knew... I AM STRONG...a WEAK PERSON could never have dealt w this
compassion for myself????? perhaps.... but then my thoughts moved to my wife..and i thought how hard the last year must have been for her...to live w me, and talk w me, and know that no matter she said for months and months after disclosure..know that i refused to believe what ever she said.....and i thought to myself...my god..that must have been incredibly difficult for her..... and then i thought...wtf is this...is this compassion...and i feeling compassion for my FWW.... and i said to myself...."yes. that is what you are feeling"
i told her the whole thought process.
when i said the bit about me being STRONG..she smiled and said "DING DING DING... thank god...yes..you ARE STRONG for doing this"...and when i told her about my feelings of compassion for her this past year.... she said "yes..that is what you are feeling..compassion. you have come a long way"
can any one relate to this...or am i...just totally off my rocker...weak..pathetic...or am i strong...healing...compassionate... if i attach a judgement to my thoughts and feelings, i second guess myself... if i just roll with my thoughts and feelings...i feel complete...in touch...in tune...calm...present
and i post here to share these thoughts..to share where i am in my journey... but i also wonder if part of the reason i keep coming back here is to get validation...to have people who have gone thru it say..."yes..YOU ARE OK...none of what you are experiencing is WRONG...its all OK...
if someone would have told me last March, id have these thoughts a year later, i would have told them to F((K off.... and now..here i am.
a week past that, i started feeling "acceptance" of the past...ie ..what happened, happened...that was then..this is now... we are working on the now, in order to create a better future.
and last night, talking to my wife, our evening routine is and has been, once the kids are down, we go outside , have a drink , a smoke and talk..., so last night...i was thinking of the last year..and thought "WHAT IF...WHAT IF..what i have been doing this last year...staying...counseling...willing to reconcile..willing to consider that forgiveness is an option...WHAT IF...all of that..could only be accomplished by someone who really STRONG?" .... because, often during this year past DDAY...ive felt WEAK for staying.... but last night... i thought... i knew... I AM STRONG...a WEAK PERSON could never have dealt w this
compassion for myself????? perhaps.... but then my thoughts moved to my wife..and i thought how hard the last year must have been for her...to live w me, and talk w me, and know that no matter she said for months and months after disclosure..know that i refused to believe what ever she said.....and i thought to myself...my god..that must have been incredibly difficult for her..... and then i thought...wtf is this...is this compassion...and i feeling compassion for my FWW.... and i said to myself...."yes. that is what you are feeling"
i told her the whole thought process.
when i said the bit about me being STRONG..she smiled and said "DING DING DING... thank god...yes..you ARE STRONG for doing this"...and when i told her about my feelings of compassion for her this past year.... she said "yes..that is what you are feeling..compassion. you have come a long way"
can any one relate to this...or am i...just totally off my rocker...weak..pathetic...or am i strong...healing...compassionate... if i attach a judgement to my thoughts and feelings, i second guess myself... if i just roll with my thoughts and feelings...i feel complete...in touch...in tune...calm...present
and i post here to share these thoughts..to share where i am in my journey... but i also wonder if part of the reason i keep coming back here is to get validation...to have people who have gone thru it say..."yes..YOU ARE OK...none of what you are experiencing is WRONG...its all OK...
if someone would have told me last March, id have these thoughts a year later, i would have told them to F((K off.... and now..here i am.
Seperating the past from the present. Meaning "that was then, this is now" mentality. If she does something now that is a problem, it may relate to the past but it is a current issue. This one is hard because once we've been betrayed there is always a little part of us that lives in the past. If not, there wouldn't be so many long time members still hanging around.
It's good to recognize that your strong. It's also huge to be able to understand that your wife has had her share of pain too.
So, yeah, I'd say you're being strong. It has nothing to do with staying or leaving, and everything to do with whether the root issues and problems are being honestly addressed by each individual. From all you've said, it doesn't sound like either you or your wife are being weak in this situation. You're on the right track as far as I can see.