Don't give up on him!

Be honest with him always. Seek counselling together.
Believe me when I say that as confusing and difficult trying to make amends with your H is for you.. what he is going through is ten times that. He is having a real myriad of feelings, not all logical..
So please be patient, don't let your frustration rule. It will take time. Best wishes.

I am trying to think of things that would make me feel special in this situation... Hearing from my husband throughout the day is really helpful. The other afternoon, he asked me how I was and when I said, "alright" he responded, "Just alright? What can I do to improve that?" It really caught me off guard because it suddenly occurred to me that during his affair he had been so checked out of our relationship.. he never even seemed to care what sort of day I was having and certainly never offered to make it better. A note on my pillow if he leaves before I wake up makes my entire day. Actually taking the time to plan something and take me out is the best. Oh.. my husband told me that one weekday evening that I just randomly got a baby-sitter for our son, made his favorite meal (lasagna) and baked a chocolate cake for him made him feel so appreciated and loved. Letting him know that he is my priority- even if it means giving up an evening alone after a really crappy day at work to go support him at a show.. Looking for ways to compliment him- telling him how sexy I think he is (and showing him)... Those are some of things that I can think of.

Mat, I will be glad to offer some suggestions if you like. First, though what have you done besides what you are listing. How long ago was your dday? I know the compliment thing is a sticky one. Dont stop giving those. They are just hard to hear at first. I remember when I was still hurting my h would say nice things to me like he loved me or how beautiful he thought I was and my mind would think "is he just saying this to make me feel better" When he would say how much he loved me, my mind would go to thinking "Really???". It is a process we have to get through. At first when the compliments are given they do tend to bounce back off of us. We just are not in a mind set to accept them as heart felt just yet. Eventually we do get there and if its any consolation we do remember them. Eventually when we become more open to them, we remember the ones that they said even when we were not so ready to hear them.

What helps is time and you just keeping at it. It is hard, I know it is. I know my h had to work at it pretty hard. The thing is women actually are quicker to forgive our men than men can forgive the wife. It really hits the men hard because it goes to the heart of their manhood. That is what hurts them more than anything else. In the beginning their anger is a violent physical thing. Then it is their manhood that feels the sting the most.

So the manhood is what you will need to work on the most. Letting him know how much you need him. Letting him know that he is valued for what he does for you and brings to you. Letting him know that he is someone you count on and can lean on. My h tells me that this is what he needs from me the most. To feel VALUED and NEEDED. To let him know that he makes me feel safe.

Keep up all the things that you think he needs from you as well. You know your guy best. But also be sure you give him the above things in spades. Let him know you want to be with him and do things with him. Let him see you happy to be with him. Those are the things that make us all feel special.

I hope this helps. It is a hard thing but mostly understand that this wont be fixed quickly. It takes time and lots and lots of patience.

My H and I are in the same place. I really want him to do something to make me feel special. At this point I'm not really sure what would. He has done a lot of small things like text me while he is at work to ask me if I'm doing ok or calling me in the morning to make sure I haven't over slept. When we are all getting ready to go somewhere as a family he will get the kids ready so I can focus on me. Its mostly little things that he always did but stopped doing while he was having his affair. He has also told me that he needed me to change things up a bit. He gave me a few examples like instead of always cooking a certain vegetable with my porkchops cook a different one or just change my routine a little one day so everything is not so predictable. I think there are a lot of ways we can make each other feel special without having to do something over the top. I know you said you asked what would make him feel special. My H does the same thing. but I kind of feel like if I have to tell him then it's not going to make it special. I know that sounds like I want him to be a mind reader but it's mostly just knowing that he was thinking of me and wanted to do something for me that makes me feel special.

My H has been doing a lot of things nice and at first I found it hard to accept and see the value. However, now that I see he is being consistent and continuing with those things I am begining to value and appreciate them as being signs of caring and love. He stays up later waiting for me so that we don't go to bed at different times anymore. he reaches out to hold my hand while we watch tv, he will out of the blue say I sure love you............. things like that. Really is helping me to get past the betrayal.

I just read a fantastic book "Venus on Fire. Mars on Ice" and it deals with marital relationships and the way we deal with stress. Which let's face it....affair recovery is a major stressful event. The book is geared towards hormones we produce, etc but it talks about things we can do to balance out our life. One of the things it discussed about men is that their main reward system is feeling needed and appreciated by their spouse. So naturally you can see how an affair would just totally destroy that. I think you need to focus on rebuilding his feeling of being needed and appreciated by recognizing the good things he is doing through work, taking care of the home, etc. Maybe it isn't dinner he is looking for. Maybe it is validation of his value from you. Women like compliments and cards and romantic things....maybe he needs a home project that you guys do together. Something to accomplish, step back and say "look what I did for us" and get your praise. I am not sure exactly what I am trying to say except that you have to find ways to build back his confidence by providing things for him to do that make him feel needed. Maybe some of the guys out there can offer suggestions. And this is just part of the equation....there is still the whole thing of building back trust and reassuring him that this won't happen again....and that is going to take some major time. I wish you success.

for me its the little things he doesnt ask about. the ones that tell me hes thinking of me, not the OP(people,not person). when he calls and asks if i need anything on his way home, or offers to do something he normally wouldnt, like take the kids to lessons. also, just as an aside, when he tries too hard it seems fake. even tho i want to beleive it is sincere, it feels false. remember that even tho u messed up, ur not the only one who really wants things to go back to normal, its just so hard some days. i also recommend a book called the five languages of love. if u can figure out his love language, it will be easier to do and say things that acutally make a difference to him. also helps to find ur own, even as the CS, so u can learn to accept the love being shown. i know for me one of the biggest things is wondering wether MY love is enough for him. that worries me more than is he loving enough. try making it clear that u see and appreciate his love for u. that, for me, has been the biggest part.

Always sending love and support

Mat, I have been trying for over 2 years. I keep the compliments coming. I ask what can I do to make you happy and I get the same reply as you do. She says she doesn't know, you will have to figure that out. It was like that before the A when it came to being intimate in bed. I ask how do you want me to touch you, what feels good, I got the same thing. You will have to figure that out she would say. I tried everything I could think of and just kept trying. I got laid off last year, so I figured I would drive her to work so she didn't have to walk across the parking lot as it was getting cold, that lasted for a while then she said she wanted to drive herself. She said she appreciated what I was doing but she said she felt like she lost her independence, She liked that time to wind down, if she needed to go some place from work she had to depend on me, so I said I was just trying to be nice and said I understood even though i was disappointed

She liked flowers, so I would get her flowers for all those special days, Mothers day, Valentines day, her birthday, our anniversary and then some in between just because she is special. Then one day she said they didn't mean that much.

All we can do is keep trying, showing appreciation for that special person, reassuring it won't happen again. Our cells are in her name, I asked her if it was okay to clear my call lists, she asked if there was any reason I shouldn't and I said no, I just wanted to let you know I was doing it so you didn't think anything was up. Doing what I can to help build that trust.

Doing things together even if they are things that you would not do alone. Try something new together, you may find you both enjoy it.We went to a little family run theater, I didn't think I would like it but we went any way, found it to be very enjoyable. I didn't like going to shows, we got some free tickets to go see Jay Leno, it was fun even though the tickets were for general seating.

I think most of all is being there for her, like when she was injured in a car accident, making sure she was as comfortable as possible, making sure she took her meds and helping her with the icing, (that was a little comical cause she needed to ice her sternum, so the ice went right between her breasts).

I just need to keep trying, someday I may just hit on it. I figure if it doesn't piss her off then it is good.

Iregret and Mat....the one thing about both of your posts is that your spouses are expecting you to "guess" how to make them happy. That, I think, is a stumbling block to your progress. They are not doing themselves nor you a favor by not giving you guidelines for what they need.

How can anyone be expected to guess or figure out what another person needs? I think that you need to explain to them that in order for you to BOTH heal they really need to help you by identifying their needs. If they don't know what their needs are then you need to have a question and answer session to help them identify those needs or get outside assistance from a counselor to help you identify those needs.

You need to remind them that you are asking this out of the sincere desire to move forward.

In the past I was never very good about explaining what I needed. It created a communication problem that grew and built into both of us having resentments. Post dday, I developed a list of needs and expectations going forward and I shared them with my husband. Some were things that he had never done for me. It sounds goofy, but I told him that on occasion I wanted a card or something small to let me know I was special. Now, some people might say that that takes the fun out of it if you have to ask for it. But my question is ...how is he supposed to know that is important if I don't tell him?

There were several other things on my list. But by telling him what I needed, I created a bench-mark for myself. When I found a note hidden in my car, it reminded me that he was trying because it was a sign to me that he recognized my needs and was willing to do what I asked. When he did other things for me, it was a reminder of his commitment towards our marriage and it was "proof" to me that he was trying.

Now, this goes both ways. I told him that he had to communicate his needs to me. The biggest thing he said he appreciated was never finding the toilet paper holder empty in our master bathroom. That sounds like a silly request, but you can bet that the toilet paper holder is NEVER empty at our house. By gosh if that is what makes my man happy, then I'm gonna do it! LOL!

I think you both are going to be stuck if you can not get your spouse to actively work with you to identify what they need to move forward versus making you guess at it. Sending you both strength.

I have asked her several times and also told her I can't read her mind. That I needed to know so I could make her happy. I have been trying to find weekend retreats in our area, so far the closest I have found is in Detroit, MI. I think that is something that would be benificial, but she doesn't want to spend the money.

One of the things she did ask for was to clean up kitchen after making supper for me and our son on her bowling night. I figured I had already worked a 8 - 10 hour day, I was looking to relax a little and I would clean up everything the next day. I now clean up right after supper.

I will keep asking maybe some day she will tell me.

The reason they dont tell you is that they dont know themselves. They are not happy. PERIOD...and frankly there isnt anything you can do to make them feel special. Because when you are doing all these things and they still dont feel it, it is because it isnt YOU that is making them feel this way..it is coming from within.

Anyone that expects someone else to make them happy has a problem. Because no other person can do that for you. No one else is responsible for your happiness. Some people just cant be happy. They cant and they know this..but instead of looking at this and seeing it is coming from within, they blame the spouse for this. We see this all the time in CS's. They are unhappy..they blame the BS for this and think somehow that cheating will make them feel happy. Well?? Did it??? No..no other person can do that for you. The fact is when we try to do that, all that happens is we find out it doesnt and we are even more miserable. All you can do is be a good spouse..be there, be supportive. Be the best you can be. For YOU. So YOU know you did all you could. Be faithful, be there..be open and honest with the. But the rest will have to be up to them.

I know there have been times when I was unhappy. I would want my h to do things to make me feel happy. He would try and guess what?? It never worked. He might do something sweet and it feel nice for that moment but then the feeling would come back. The reason why is because it wasnt HIM that could do that for me. I had to get to a place where I could be happy with ME. Once I did that, what he did was just icing on the cake.

Just keep trying, just keep giving it time. Do the best you can to be a good spouse and then you just have to leave the rest up to them and time.

Wow. I wish I had encouraging words to offer, but unfortunately I don't. I wouldn't respond but this is the VERY SAME thing I've been dealing with lately. I just said to myself last night that feeling special is one of the things that I lost and that I know will never return. It's just the consequence I'm facing for staying in this marriage and the consequence for him having the affair is knowing that making me feel special is something he can never do again. The funny part is...I haven't shared this with him yet. So he still thinks he can do it and he keeps trying, trying, and trying. He says he'll never give up and you know what, just knowing that he'll never give up makes it easier for me. I'm right now as I'm typing trying to decide how important being made to feel special by him is. It's pretty important however so is being comfortable, being with someone that I know loves me and is working on my behalf, and so is keeping a stable and happy environment for my children. Maybe one day the feeling special thing will outweigh the others but right now it doesn't. Who know's I'm only five months past D-day and I had given up on being made to feel special in past relationships. So if you figure it out, let me know so I can tell my H what to do also.

Wow it's funny how things happen sometimes. Just today I got a phone call from one of my best friend's and her husband and they were thanking me and my H for the wonderful happy thanksgiving message we left them yesterday. Well, I didn't leave them a message. Apparently H did and said it was from both of us and didn't share that with me. When I questioned him about it, he said he was actually attempting to leave another couple that message because the H in that couple has been there to help my H through some tough stuff. The thing is this...it burned me up because I DID actually tell him about not being able to make me feel special and the very next day he's doing a GREAT job at making other people feel special. Maybe if he had talked to me about what he planned to do it wouldn't have seemed so...I don't know...non-inclusive of me. He didn't though, so to me it feels like once again, he's paying attention to others and just can't seem to pay that close of attention to me. So, I told him so and he felt so bad about it that he's now saying that he's realizing that he just isn't able to provide me what I need and he should step aside so that maybe I can find happiness. I'm too tired to argue so I'm in agreement. So I tell you all of that to say this. Keep trying and don't give up.

Oh and PS I totally agree with Nana. No one else CAN make you happy, it does have to come from within. What I'm asking of my spouse is to do for me, what he seems to be so good at doing for others. Doing something special (going out of your way for me) and making me feel special and/or happy are two different things. So I'm talking about the first and not the latter. Just to be clear.