The noise from the affairs is barely playing in my head these days
No room for the past as I've been so much focusing on the present
No room for thoughts of people that diminish my energy as I've focused on myself and what I can do to increase my energy

The last week or so, for me, feels like I've been pulling back the curtains and getting glimpse of what real life could be

One without all the self doubt self loathing shame guilt fear that i've carried and believed about me most of my life

I'm really starting to accept that my thoughts have not been effective healthy or normal for a long time

It's empowering
And a bit scary as well

Wife and I are getting glimpses of how the other processes things between the ears

I'm trying to be more aware of why her response is what it is and keeping her ADHD at the forefront instead of thinking that she's mad rude uncaring or that I did something wrong

She finally got a glimpse of my mood when she came home fri was in a good mood and I had a meltdown over my perception of her action

She said she was very aware when her good mood dropped and she felt down or confused as to what just happened and sunk into a low mood

I said
Welcome to my word
I feel like that 100 times thru out the day and the smallest thing will trigger that for me

the closest i can explain to my self doubt through out the day would be when you experience the feeling of Deja Vu, and immediately after the deja vu, you ask yourself "wait a minute, did that actually just happen, did i just feel that, or did i imagine that"? and i feel or felt like that multiple times thru out my day in interacting with others, and in processing my own inner dialogue

today though , was a very Good day

No self doubting thoughts

I'm consciously choosing to go thru the day believing that I'm;
Ok
Smart
Talented
Handsome
A fantastic lover
A great musician
A great dad
A compassionate human being
A person aware of the connectedness of all things
Worthy of being loved
Worthy of respect and admiration from others

In short
I'm believing the opposite of everything I've believed about myself in the past
i've convinced myself over the years that i was;
not ok
not intelligent
ugly
fat
an average or below average lover
an ok musician
a dad who just does the minimum
disconnected
unworthy of love
unworthy of respect
someone who people put up with because they are toying with me or just pretending to be nice

It's like the Sienfield episode when George does everything opposite of what he'd do normally and his life becomes great