For the first year, the time leading up to the anniversary was the worst because I kept thinking "this time last year X was happening and I had no clue". The actual day wasn't horrible, and the days after were a lot better because I kept telling myself "this time last year you were getting control of your life back."

Hopefully yours gets easier too!

Heh. Just going through this myself - with the 5th anniversary of DDAY. Different than the 1st anniversary, to be sure, but still leaving me a tiny bit twitchy.

It has gotten better. I am grateful I stayed and we have worked on things. But there are still moments where the pain is remembered. It's more like an old sports injury, now, though. 1st year felt more like the wound opening fresh, not a returning ache.

You're not crazy. It's not your imagination, but nor should it be something that consumes you entirely. It is a great time (as I recently rediscovered thanks to everyone here) to evaluate progress you've made that year and even set goals for the coming year.

I wish I would have listened to their advice to keep busy... I guess I was hoping he would have planned something.

For me it was. I had yet to discover DS and was so baffled by my emotions that I asked to take a break from rebuilding. We were already living separately but committed to rebuilding.

I had created a "1 year timeline" when I agreed to try to rebuild. Since I had been going through hysterical bonding and falsely believing that we were miraculously rebuilding in leaps and bounds. So I just assumed that we would be f**king awesomely amazing at the 1 year mark. My plan was that he would move back in and I would save face by nor"taking him back" for a year.

As that (not so) magical year went on and the hysterical bonding faded I was left in a cloud of anger, self pitty, and deep resentful pain. It to the point where I was feeling all of emotions I covered up (subconsciously) with the HB and some deflection ( being angry at his family and friends). On top of that I was looking at the clock ticking with my1 year timeline.

He started pushing me to make a decision about us moving back in together. He had gotten lazy or complacent in his end which only added to this year 1 anniversary approaching. I decided that we nweded to take a break from all of it. I felt that I needed to find the strength to forgive him. Even if that forgiveness came with a decision to divorce. As the fatherof my children I knew I owed him forgiveness. About 3 months after we took a break and dday anniversary came and went we turned a corner. From that point we began the real work.

So allllllll this rambling to say what?

Many of us have a fantasy of where we will be at the 1 year mark and bit being there can suck.

Yes, Suck it does!

My first year after, I felt the pull to not trust my H... Recalling how broken I was during that time. I was still going through good days and bad days... Bad days ending with me crying myself to sleep... Even a year later. It's hard... It takes time. 5 years later from my original DDay, and I still have moments where I think if I made the right choice, and I recall the events leading up to it... But it doesn't effect me the way it used to.