Rebuilding Marriage After Infidelity Community Group
A community for those who have been through the heartbreak of infidelity and decided to stay with their partner and try to re-build the relationship.
reading about forgiveness.
started wondering
"am i still crazy because I haven't set my sites on a direct course and set sail for it?"
is my waffling and wavering making me crazy
I've told my therapists, my WW, my friends who are in the know, that my goal now is simply to HEAL myself... and that i am detached from a specific outcome regarding the relationship..ie to stay or end the marriage.
perhaps, even though i am only 8 months out from finding out about my WW behavior (which stopped the evening before i confronted her)....perhaps, DECIDING on a goal, and striking out for that goal would be progress?
ie....either s**t or get off the pot, as it were.
instead of "should i stay or should i go",
STAY
or
GO
commit to one of them and start moving in some forward direction instead of just standing at a fork in road thinking
"which way do i go????? which way do i go?????"
to the outside observer, one could think "Gettingintune stayed, so he has chosen reconciliation"
but that isn't what i chose...i chose NOT to choose..... i chose neither committing to reconciliation, nor divorce
holding my cards close....
perhaps its time i call and throw my hand down on the table
perhaps its time for me, to devote energy to rebuilding....reconciliation.... which isn't what I've been doing at all.... I've been biding my time.... standing on the diving board , trying to decide whether or not to dive in, or climb back down
maybe its time to dive.
a leap of faith
because i think NOT choosing a goal and working towards it, is one of the things that is making me crazy..... i swing back and forth constantly.....
started wondering
"am i still crazy because I haven't set my sites on a direct course and set sail for it?"
is my waffling and wavering making me crazy
I've told my therapists, my WW, my friends who are in the know, that my goal now is simply to HEAL myself... and that i am detached from a specific outcome regarding the relationship..ie to stay or end the marriage.
perhaps, even though i am only 8 months out from finding out about my WW behavior (which stopped the evening before i confronted her)....perhaps, DECIDING on a goal, and striking out for that goal would be progress?
ie....either s**t or get off the pot, as it were.
instead of "should i stay or should i go",
STAY
or
GO
commit to one of them and start moving in some forward direction instead of just standing at a fork in road thinking
"which way do i go????? which way do i go?????"
to the outside observer, one could think "Gettingintune stayed, so he has chosen reconciliation"
but that isn't what i chose...i chose NOT to choose..... i chose neither committing to reconciliation, nor divorce
holding my cards close....
perhaps its time i call and throw my hand down on the table
perhaps its time for me, to devote energy to rebuilding....reconciliation.... which isn't what I've been doing at all.... I've been biding my time.... standing on the diving board , trying to decide whether or not to dive in, or climb back down
maybe its time to dive.
a leap of faith
because i think NOT choosing a goal and working towards it, is one of the things that is making me crazy..... i swing back and forth constantly.....
I new that the increasing hate and rage (yes as time moved on I regressed emotionally) was killing me. I felt my cs deserved my forgiveness 2 I deserved peace. Being together was no longer my goal. Being at peace was my priority and I deserved the gift of having my heart forgive.
I made a decision at about the 10 month mark to stop working on the marriage and start working on me. It was (for me) the best decision because for the first time I want consumed with his A. I was seeking a closer relationship with God and myself. It took a few months but it brought me to forgiveness. Once I had that I was free to work in the marriage from a different place. One of love and self reflection. I was finally able to begin working on my contribution to our shitty marriage. No I didn't take blame for his actions just became accountable for my own.
I found ds during those reflective months and it gave me hope while at the same time built some far when I came across members who were further along time wise but still dealing with so much pain. Those members often were ones that had yet to forgive and were still living with the bitterness and hatred.
I don't know if my experience has been helpful but maybe it can give you some other prospective in the various paths to rebuilding.
Pardon if there are auto correct typos. My phones a pain.
Maybe you can decide to make a definite decision at the one year mark ... or the two year mark ... or when your kids are a certain age. Whatever you think is reasonable based on your particular circumstances.
I think it's OK to be unsure 10 months out, but I also think it's a good time to set course in one direction or another - and you're right "should I stay or should I go" aren't the ONLY two directions. "What can I do to improve my well being?" is a really good question to ask yourself - and it may have nothing to do with your marriage. Taking care of you is a good place to start to figure out what it is you want/need in a relationship and if your spouse can provide it, at which point you can decide if staying/going is right for you.
But yes... it's 100% in or 100% out if you're going to be successful in either direction. Otherwise, you're just living in constant limbo, which is no good for anyone. You'll figure it out - your timeline won't be like anyone else's, and that's perfectly OK.