The affair was often being used to fill some sort of emptiness inside, so I think recovery involves the WS dealing with it and learning to meet their needs in healthier ways. I just read a good book that covered it (Healing Shame and Codependency by Darlene Lancer). The affair was like an addiction, looking for happiness outside oneself.

Healing can be very difficult no matter which side of this situation you're on.

I'm not sure if you can handle the CA board but if you can, I suggest you lurk around and read what they go through in their healing.

You could even pise the question to them as you did here. I'm not sure who is there these days since I haven't visited that rom in a while.

Your wife must have been dealing with issues that brought her to the point od cheating. If she hasn't resolved those, she could be dealing with them now.

over the last few months...well, really over the last few weeks, as I notice my wife's emotional slumps and depression, i also see how easily she is prey to anxiety and stress over minor things. yes, i accept that dealing w small children all day is bloody though and exhausting, but her inability to manage stress and emotional distress is alarming. i see how she reacts, and we talk every night, and I hear how sad , and tired and frustrated she is, and how the lack of control makes her even more sad, and how loosing her temper w the kids makes her feel like a bad parent

and i realize...wow....all of that....THAT is what was going on with her internally before she started the first affair.

yes, it worries me....yes i see sign and signals and am on alert, but more so , especially in the last few weeks, I'm worried. I'm worried for her well being. the difference now vs then is, we talk openly and communicate, but i can still see how the things upsetting her now, would have been the very same things that upset her then.... and back then, she had no idea of how to deal with it...no idea how to cope....and even now, she doesn't have very good coping skills and strategies, but is in DBT therapy to learn coping skills and stategies ...better late then never i suppose.

but the point i want to hammer on is, how , 19 months past Dday.... i see her. i really see how she reacts to things...i see how stressed she gets, how anxious she gets, how sad she gets.... and i see how in many ways, it's all the same stuff from before she chose infidelity as her coping mechanism and escape. i also see, how on top of all of this, she deals w the guilt and shame of her affairs, and the effect it had on the family...on me...and how she is constantly battling herself ...how she wants to be supermom, but is to stressed and exhausted to be supermom...and then that realization just makes her sink deeper into depression

i guess the point of this post is, i look at her differently now the pre affair...i actually see and empathize with how she is feeling, and we talk about it.... but i still feel that i can't do much to help her, and that is a tough acceptance for me.

so SUN i took kids swimming as wife was having wild panic attacks and crying bouts and anxiety .....she stayed home to calm down and rest.

when we got home she said she had some major introspective thoughts during her time alone. she spent lots of time online looking up relation between add and hyper sexuality.

turns out there is a correlation and the foundations lay in other mood disoreds like anxiety, depression and shame.... this online self diag seems to be right on course. she even admitted that she did meet 4/5 criteria of hyper sexuality...which she denied for the last year and change.

the main take away here....she is finally admitted that she has a mood disorder, and that she has had the mood disorders for a very long time. she also admitted that yes, she exhibited addictive behavior with the affairs, and was obviously suffering form hyper sexuality.

she has agreed to finally bring this info up in group instead of just telling group that she is in IOP to learn how to deal w anxiety raising a child w ADHD...that was her cover last week.

sunday afternoon , when i got back from pool w kids, she seemed calmer when i came home...we had a long talk last night. about all of this .... it was very hard for me to hear her say these things, even though I’ve thought them to be true for a long time. i felt tremendous sadness at hearing her finally admit these things...

in bed she tearfully apologized for all the times she “was mean to me” and for how bad she hurt me w the affairs.

she said the difference now vs then is
1. she as been diagnosed w adhd and is being treated w rx
2. we talk about problems openly now, vs not talking about them at all then
3. she realizes that the issues in her life where because of the mood disorders and party the way she was raised and modeled by her parents, and how she never thought any of that was wrong, and believed everyone else was wrong....
4. she realizes..... her biggest problem....is / was always herself

she realizes she never had any coping skills for her depression, shame and anxiety, and the affairs became an escape and coping skill but it was a snake eating its own tail and just drove her deeper and deeper down the rabbit hole