Rebuilding Marriage After Infidelity Community Group
A community for those who have been through the heartbreak of infidelity and decided to stay with their partner and try to re-build the relationship.
Over the years, I've made decisions that affected time and financial resources for our family without regard for what my h felt. And each fulfilled desire on my part (i.e. pets, baby, staying home to take care of the kids,) chipped away at his sense of self. He raised objections, but I wasn't receptive and according to his account, I would just wear him down till he gave in. So I set up the right climate for him to find an escape... an unhealthy one.
I recently sent him an email outlining what things I needed from him in order to help start healing because the written word seemed to communicate my ideas the best. Stuff like STD screening, telling his siblings about his A because we both needed support, and access to all of his passwords.
He didn't like the password thing at all. He told me that all contact has been cut off and felt apprehensive that I would spend hours combing through everything and I would somehow find the tiniest detail to get upset about. He also told me that since he's stopped his escapist behavior, he has no outlet anymore. However, my behavior continues with the "checklist" of things I want... the latest of which was in the form of that email. He says it didn't ask for his input, there seemed to be no room for negotiation, and he felt pushed back into a corner. In fact, he felt like there would be even less room for his sense of self... no room at all.
I tried to explain to him that I wanted transparency in order to help build trust. We discussed this a bit with the counselor, and she tried to gently explain to him that my request for the passwords came from my injury, that I would never ask him something like that again. He didn't respond to that. The feeling I got from him was that he dug his heels in.
I told him that his sense of self was more important to me than having access to his passwords, so I would let it go. And at the time, I meant it. I keep waffling back and forth on it, though. I don't know if I feel I can trust him. I trust that his A is over. But I can't help but feel like he's saying, "I'll do everything I can to repair our relationship, but there's a limit to what I'm willing to do."
I've been crying almost the entire weekend and feeling like crap. He's done almost everything else to help me. He's frustrated and told me, "What else do you want from me? Everything I'm doing isn't enough!" And of course, this doesn't make me feel any better.
What do you guys think? Help. I can't think straight.
I recently sent him an email outlining what things I needed from him in order to help start healing because the written word seemed to communicate my ideas the best. Stuff like STD screening, telling his siblings about his A because we both needed support, and access to all of his passwords.
He didn't like the password thing at all. He told me that all contact has been cut off and felt apprehensive that I would spend hours combing through everything and I would somehow find the tiniest detail to get upset about. He also told me that since he's stopped his escapist behavior, he has no outlet anymore. However, my behavior continues with the "checklist" of things I want... the latest of which was in the form of that email. He says it didn't ask for his input, there seemed to be no room for negotiation, and he felt pushed back into a corner. In fact, he felt like there would be even less room for his sense of self... no room at all.
I tried to explain to him that I wanted transparency in order to help build trust. We discussed this a bit with the counselor, and she tried to gently explain to him that my request for the passwords came from my injury, that I would never ask him something like that again. He didn't respond to that. The feeling I got from him was that he dug his heels in.
I told him that his sense of self was more important to me than having access to his passwords, so I would let it go. And at the time, I meant it. I keep waffling back and forth on it, though. I don't know if I feel I can trust him. I trust that his A is over. But I can't help but feel like he's saying, "I'll do everything I can to repair our relationship, but there's a limit to what I'm willing to do."
I've been crying almost the entire weekend and feeling like crap. He's done almost everything else to help me. He's frustrated and told me, "What else do you want from me? Everything I'm doing isn't enough!" And of course, this doesn't make me feel any better.
What do you guys think? Help. I can't think straight.
3GuysMom
I don't mean to be the Debbie Downer of the group, but when I asked over and over for passwords and the removal of the passcode my H had put on the cell phone account he did the same as your H. He wanted me to feel guilty for asking and the way he worded it, it seemed as if I was being unreasonable. We would argue and I'd back down. The real and only reason he didn't want to give me access was because he was still lying, he was not seeing or contacting OW, but was not being truthful. As much as I hate to admit it, he was also saving some photographic mementos of their time together in his email. Once every truth was out of the bag he willingly gave me access to everything. I rarely look at the phonebill and never look at his FB(OW is blocked) or email. I just don't need to. Knowing that I can look if I want to is enough reason not to. I know how huge a roadblock to healing this is. Hugs!!!!!!!
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