Rebuilding Marriage After Infidelity Community Group
A community for those who have been through the heartbreak of infidelity and decided to stay with their partner and try to re-build the relationship.
Over the years, I've made decisions that affected time and financial resources for our family without regard for what my h felt. And each fulfilled desire on my part (i.e. pets, baby, staying home to take care of the kids,) chipped away at his sense of self. He raised objections, but I wasn't receptive and according to his account, I would just wear him down till he gave in. So I set up the right climate for him to find an escape... an unhealthy one.
I recently sent him an email outlining what things I needed from him in order to help start healing because the written word seemed to communicate my ideas the best. Stuff like STD screening, telling his siblings about his A because we both needed support, and access to all of his passwords.
He didn't like the password thing at all. He told me that all contact has been cut off and felt apprehensive that I would spend hours combing through everything and I would somehow find the tiniest detail to get upset about. He also told me that since he's stopped his escapist behavior, he has no outlet anymore. However, my behavior continues with the "checklist" of things I want... the latest of which was in the form of that email. He says it didn't ask for his input, there seemed to be no room for negotiation, and he felt pushed back into a corner. In fact, he felt like there would be even less room for his sense of self... no room at all.
I tried to explain to him that I wanted transparency in order to help build trust. We discussed this a bit with the counselor, and she tried to gently explain to him that my request for the passwords came from my injury, that I would never ask him something like that again. He didn't respond to that. The feeling I got from him was that he dug his heels in.
I told him that his sense of self was more important to me than having access to his passwords, so I would let it go. And at the time, I meant it. I keep waffling back and forth on it, though. I don't know if I feel I can trust him. I trust that his A is over. But I can't help but feel like he's saying, "I'll do everything I can to repair our relationship, but there's a limit to what I'm willing to do."
I've been crying almost the entire weekend and feeling like crap. He's done almost everything else to help me. He's frustrated and told me, "What else do you want from me? Everything I'm doing isn't enough!" And of course, this doesn't make me feel any better.
What do you guys think? Help. I can't think straight.
I recently sent him an email outlining what things I needed from him in order to help start healing because the written word seemed to communicate my ideas the best. Stuff like STD screening, telling his siblings about his A because we both needed support, and access to all of his passwords.
He didn't like the password thing at all. He told me that all contact has been cut off and felt apprehensive that I would spend hours combing through everything and I would somehow find the tiniest detail to get upset about. He also told me that since he's stopped his escapist behavior, he has no outlet anymore. However, my behavior continues with the "checklist" of things I want... the latest of which was in the form of that email. He says it didn't ask for his input, there seemed to be no room for negotiation, and he felt pushed back into a corner. In fact, he felt like there would be even less room for his sense of self... no room at all.
I tried to explain to him that I wanted transparency in order to help build trust. We discussed this a bit with the counselor, and she tried to gently explain to him that my request for the passwords came from my injury, that I would never ask him something like that again. He didn't respond to that. The feeling I got from him was that he dug his heels in.
I told him that his sense of self was more important to me than having access to his passwords, so I would let it go. And at the time, I meant it. I keep waffling back and forth on it, though. I don't know if I feel I can trust him. I trust that his A is over. But I can't help but feel like he's saying, "I'll do everything I can to repair our relationship, but there's a limit to what I'm willing to do."
I've been crying almost the entire weekend and feeling like crap. He's done almost everything else to help me. He's frustrated and told me, "What else do you want from me? Everything I'm doing isn't enough!" And of course, this doesn't make me feel any better.
What do you guys think? Help. I can't think straight.
State, I wish I could back those words up with a practical plan, but I can't exactly up and leave the house. We both can't afford to leave the house.
:( I'm so depressed.
I ended up not leaving, more because my H begged me not to go and promised he'd be a better H and father. That lasted maybe a few weeks and then he slipped right back into old patterns. So, that was part of the reason I went to grad school and got my masters. Now, if God forbid, things still don't work out between my H and me, at least I know that with my salary, alimony and child support, we would make it without him. The knowledge that you can survive without him is power! You exude a demeanor of confidence when you can back up a threat with action. I love my H and I never want a divorce, but it does feel good to know that I can implement plan B if he disappoints me again. Also, he KNOWS I have a plan B and he never wants to lose me, so that should keep him on his toes!
My point is that you need to get yourself your power back so that you can issue an ultimatum and follow through with it. It's called the 180. Work on you; let him see that you are working on you so that you can be strong, with or without him. That in and of itself may make him come around.
He'll resent you if you have his apsswords? Bull sh-t! A contrite, remorseful man who knows how much he's hurt you would do anything to remove that hurt and rebuild the trust and not make you feel badly about it! He just resents that you are taking away power and that now he really needs to be accountable. You need to get to the bottom of why he resents this...I mean the REAL reason! Be strong! Sending you support.
You mean like the CS blatantly and abruptly destroying their spouse and marriage? The original poster didn't mention her H being depressed and anxious. Even so, there are psychological remedies for those things. It doesn't excuse the CS from doing what they need to do to repair the marriage.
"I agree with having transparency but I do not feel it should be pushed that if your partner is sincere about rebuilding they will do things on their own like showing you there phone, email, FB account etc."
But if they are sincere, why would they mind? My H had absolutely no issue with this. Those who have nothing to hide, hide nothing.
"She has said I can whenever I want to and I appreciate that but I don't want to feel that want I would rather her show me she loves me in other ways for that is where MY trust will build at."
But the thing is, you've been given the option.
"I don't want to constrict my W for that is not how our relationship was and I don't want it to be in the future."
Why is this constricting? If one's spouse is just doing what s/he usually does, talking to friends, family, and acquaintances, most of whom you know or know about anyway, what's so constricting? Usually, over time, as trust is rebuilt, any need there may be to look at these things eventually fades away. I rarely check anything anymore, and I don't feel a need to.
Refusing to do something on the grounds that it limits freedom is a ploy and an issue of control over the situation, which does not help the BS or the process of rebuilding trust. Denying it can have the effect of making the BS need it more, because now they wonder if the CS has something to hide and that is the real reason they are refusing. It's not fair, it's not reasonable, and it's not worth it. For me, the idea of transparency being restricting or limiting one's "sense of self" (whatever that means) is so foreign within the context of a married relationship that I just can't identify with it.
So yes, while symbolically it is crucial for a CS to give passwords and show that they are agreeing to transparency, no BS should assume that this means that the spouse can't hide anything from them.
I tell this to my H all the time. Nowadays, I can go through his email, facebook, twitter, texts, voicmaiil, Instant message logs, etc. for hours at a time, and I won't find ANYTHING. He can get around anything I would ever do to check up on him. He is a smart guy. Ultimately, unfortunately it comes down to weather or not he is truly willing to change. Sure, I don't have to be blind and I don't have to bury my head in the sand, but I have to realize that my having his passwords won't make him not cheat again.
I called our therapist just now and chatted for about ten minutes regarding all this, including the input I've received from all of you. She said we're both operating from a position of injury and that even though this is a potential impasse, it's one of those things that frequently come up during a crisis situation between couples and much patience is needed to work through it. She gave me the impression that this is the biggest hump we're tackling at this Wednesday's appointment and I'm dreading the process even though I know it's for our own good.
Peeg, I am very aware that he could still be skulking around with accounts that I'm not aware of. I even told him that he could ultimately still deceive me. The point was, like you said, to make a symbolic gesture of how open he was willing to be with me.
Znz, I have done some pulling back already. I will write my experiences down in a journal entry. It would make for good sitcom dialogue.