Bummer. So sorry he's let you down like that. It's hard enough that he's doing that. That he's doing it in front of you...is just crazy. Knowing what you've been through.

Divorce is certainly an option you have to consider strongly. Hard to rebuild trust after that.

Take care of yourself. You'll need it for the long haul.

Ugh.

Do your friends know about the infidelity? I can't fathom even jokingly being flirtatious with the husband of a friend, but most especially not if I knew of such a situation.

I wish there was a magic answer, but there's not. Like Lyra said in response to my post: You have to decide what you're willing to put up with. You can't control what he does or says, but you can control your own actions and decide what healthy boundaries to establish.

Love and strength to you.

Ugh ... I'm so sorry.

One thing I've seen with some CS is after Dday they finally get the attention they crave. But once things get back to normal they have to figure out a way to keep the attention on them and that's when a relapse is likely to occur. Not sure if that's the case in your situation or not - if it is, then the only way to get really fix things is for him to figure it out through counseling.

Has he given you an explanation for what's going on with him?

He's admitted he cannot drink anymore. I will admit the husbands were boring...never clicked...but he is a narcissist. So there was always something about the evenings that was not so exciting. They both say it started with a misstep back in Dec when he was giving her and several other friends a ride in his dirt bike in back yard. But it became a bit of entertainment for the evenings. (Expletive deleted) ugh is right. Problem with that is they texted (about our group plans usually) and he purposely hid it from me. And so did she. I had caught one text back in the Fall and totally made ut ckear that was inappropriate. He claims he knew it would never go further than the flirting and intermittent texts.
Idk what to think....
His begging, repentant, yadda yadda yadda...

I think you handled it beautifully.

My H tried to test the system once or twice after Dday and I called him on it both times. Porn was an issue in our situation and I found him searching for "boobies" and something equally stupid on Google pictures. Technically not a porn along site, but the intent was the same.

There was something else too that was REALLY borderline and I addressed it the same way.

I finally just told him that I'm not his mom and I'm tired of monitoring him. He has to decide the type of person he wants to be and I will have to decide if I want to be with that person. If he wants to watch porn all day its his prerogative - if he wants to play games and see how much he can get away with, go for it. But I'm not his keeper.

Old habits die hard and some backsliding is to be expected. Just hold firm and don't allow it - I think he was hoping I would say it was ok and let him go back to his old habits. It's really no different than having a teenager.

We have to put up boundaries because they aren't good at it. Be really clear what's a deal-breaker for you and don't feel guilty about it.

My take, and I am usually an optimist, is it sounds bad. I would proceed with the divorce paperwork and let this be the last wound he inflicts on you, unless you see something radical. I see more wounds down the road. So sorry.

You can always file and move towards divorce and pull it back it something radical on his end occurs.

He sounds too needy. That's just (iMO) over the top but only you can know. If this end in divorce your can do so knowing your have it your all. If he loses you it's because he just can't be the H you deserve.

If you choose to stay you are taking a bigger risk this time. That's up to you. I'm sorry he's being such a dickwad.

What does your gut tell you Heather?

Good question. I was so angry for a few days. But my husband is extremely repentant. He was struggling with it and feltrecovery. My husband is unbelievably attenplayfulness they were having was maybe ok because it was in front of their spouses and neither of us were saying anything. I am confident about the banality of the content of their texts, no real outside relationship was really brewing. We have had several big outings and my husband was coordinating our part. But that should have gone through me only. He gets that now. If her husband had texted me, I would have responded to her.
I am kind of looking at him as an addict. He is a well meaning recovering addict, but his boundaries have been so messed up for so long, he questions every interaction he has now. I had npt said anything because I questioned my sensitivity to the friendship we all had. I, too, was gauging my reaction based on everyone else. No one else, including her husband said anything. So I was letting it go. Dumb.
What I can't believe is that she would participate in any of it now. She literally held my hand through my discovery and recovery. My husband is unbelievably attentive to me and my needs overall. Really. And she would often be amazed at what he does and tell me not to take it for granted. I would always look at her incredulously because she knows what we have been through and why he is so dedicated to making us happy.
I think I can forgive him, but I only have so much of my heart I will ever give again. (See my entry under Acceptance).

Hmmm ... so do you think she was stirring the pot to see if she could get him to fail? Or test his reaction?

I like that he was checking your reaction and her H's reaction for confirmation - that shows real progress and that he's thinking about where the boundary should be. It's a learning process and even thought it's 2 steps forward and 1 step backward, at least its movement. I can take that over stagnation any day.