Rebuilding Marriage After Infidelity Community Group
A community for those who have been through the heartbreak of infidelity and decided to stay with their partner and try to re-build the relationship.
sounds strange to say but I think I'm over the infidelity
dday was over 2.5 years ago.
first year was survival
second year was dealing more w wife's emotional and physical decline
third year.... at some point in the last month or so...I just seem to be, for lack of a better term, "OVER IT"
its not that our relationship is good...its not.
its not that I forgot. I won't
its not that I forgive...I still don't know if I have
I just know, its not much more that a thought of something unpleasant that has happened in the past. not unlike getting to the point of missing a loved one that has passed, and one day, not grieving any longer.
so, although , I seem to be over the infidelity, that doesn't mean I'm at a 100% state of healing. I'm not.
things w my wife the last few months have been pretty strained.
I think we are as disconnected if not more disconnected, then we were the years that immediately preceded her multiple infidelities.
I sleep on an air mattress in our basement.
we don't kiss...we don't say I love you, we don't hold hands, we don't hug, we don't screw. its living as housemates , coparenting our children.
for me, its very similar to how I perceive and felt the 2/3 years prior to her infidelity. it's the new normal.
and , its a drag
and I feel stuck
and I don't know what to do
I've had divorce papers signed since 2 weeks post dday.
its funny, because sometimes I think to myself, "if we divorce now, it's not going to be because of the infidelities, its going to be because of the failed marriage."
I see this image...and the image is a half circle.
one one point is our marriage before the infidelities. at the other point is our marriage now. the half circle is everything between including the APS...and what I see, is that we are pretty much back to the same point we were pre-Affairs.
at some point in the first year post dday, I told my wife, that the day she screwed AP1, that was the day the marriage died...and that she was the one who killed it.
my narrative has changed over time.
now, I think, that our marriage died 2 to 3 years before she began acting out, and that WE killed it. Both of us.... we killed it , because we allowed the relationship to die.
I read someone online, that relationships don't end because of an absence of passion, they end because of an absence of compassion. and that hit me hard, because I just don't feel compassion or empathy for my wife these days.
if she comes home from work, exhausted, and is irritated or annoyed by the kids, or something else, I feel no compassion... if she is crying because she has had a rough day, and the kids were the final straw, and she breaks down into tears saying "I can't take it anymore" ... I don't think to myself "gee, she is in bad shape, I should go give her a hug and tell her its all going to be ok"
instead, I become emotional distant, and think "great. here we go again. what is wrong now???"
It's a very good saying that relationships end because of lack of compassion. I feel a total lack of compassion for my CS but I'm only 5 months since D-day I still have hope the compassion will grow back.
I'm sorry to say ad an outsider it looks like ur marriage is over. If you live like this it seems to be a matter of time till she might cheat again. What makes you Stay currently?
In our case, the issues that led to the A have never been fully dealt with ... just acknowledged and stepped over. I still see some of the behaviors and thoughts in my husband that allowed him to go down that path, but he has no interest in really dealing with them. It's a bit like living with a dry drunk.
We're lucky because almost every "gap" or "hole" that lead my husband into opening his life to an affair has been patched up completely. I feel like all of the issues which lead him into justifying the affair (things lacking in OUR relationship) have also been identified and resolved. We are at a point where we can point out words/behaviors/actions to each other that make us feel uncomfortable or unhappy and recommend preferred choices and THEN (yay us?) negotiate some sort of middle path where we're both feeling validated and getting our needs met, and we're also BOTH happy with the ultimate choice.
No more, "OK you won last time so I get to win this time" or other bad behaviors from the past.
Not that we're perfect. Not at all. In fact, sometimes the work we have to put in to just keep on top of where we are at seems overwhelming. Still, there is life after infidelity. We're proof. And while in our case it's a wound that has healed with scars, it has healed. I wish that I could give this sort of outcome for all survivors.
It's a valid choice to live as coparents, but is this enough for you? Might I suggest discernment counseling?