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how do you use "The 5 Love Languages"?

gettingintune
gettingintune

how do you use "The 5 Love Languages"?



how do you use “The 5 Love Languages”?


I have the book at home somewhere, but can’t find it, however my wife and I did the quick online test 


and i scored


10Words of Affirmation ( no surprise on that as the top one)7Physical Touch (was surprised that this was high)7Quality Time6Acts of Service0Receiving Gifts


she scored


10Physical Touch (very surprised this was her number 1)9Quality Time6Acts of Service4Words of Affirmation1Receiving Gifts


this got me wonder, “how are you supposed to apply this info?”if I know that my number 1 language is Words of Affirmation, and she knows it as well, should she start to try to give me that more than she has in the past?


Vice versaShould I try to provide more physical touch for her (not just sexual)?


Or…. it this simply a tool to help us identify what we value, so we realize that is the other person isn’t providing this for us, its not rejection on their part….


ie…. since I know that Words of Affirmation is my number 1 language, instead of expecting my wife to increase her words of affirmation to me, perhaps, i need to realize that i have had a need for external validation most of my life….i second guess myself, have extreme self doubt, overthink many things and deal w a lot of shame from my childhood…… so i have this “I’m not good enough” thing in my head….. so I crave external validation…i crave someone else telling me “yes, you are ok…that was a good thing”, because I can’t tell myself that


so instead of relying on others to provide me my number one language, maybe i should work on increase my of SELF affirmation….. i.e….start to be mindful when I feel rejected by others, or my wife, because i am not getting what i need in words of affirmation, and instead START to provide my own internal affirmation….if i do something i think is a good thing, i can tell myself “You did a GOOD THING” and not have to pace in my head waiting and wondering if what i did was actually “a good thing”

gravinggirl
gravinggirl
I have no idea! My husband and I read that book after I had an affair, but I didn't score clearly in one category versus another. I struggled with the religious aspects of it as well. I did figure out that his actions around the house, although helpful, did not resonate as love for me specifically.

The last thing you wrote resonated with me. I'm in therapy and have identified a lot of my baggage (core shame and codependency). I do believe the key is being enough yourself, not relying on someone else to make you okay. I am just finishing Darlene Lancer's book Conquering Shame and Codependency, and it is excellent.
calirn13
calirn13
It's a simple way of saying "how do you like me to show you love" physical touch isn't sex.. At least all the time.. It's holding hands, a back rub, just a physical connection... Affirmation: if someone told you, you were a POS and you number one love language was affirmation, this would destroy you. Having you partner tell you how good you look, how the dinner you made was yummy, this would make you feel loved by them.
Usually we show love to others the way we want to be shown love and don't even know it... I love giving gifts, I love picking that special thing out for someone that I know they will love. I take time and effort to think about the person and what might make them happy. Most of the time the gifts are very inexpensive.. Or something I have made or baked myself. But since that is my love language not everyone appreciates the gesture like I do.
You love language can change also...
Self affirmation is great... But if the one you love told you everyday how wonderful you were, how creative, how sexy, how smart, how strong... Ect... You make you feel loved by them...
JGibby
JGibby
Another useful way to use this information is to try to understand your partners paradigm... calirn13 is absolutely right in that we tend to communicate to others in our own love language. When we learn they have a different love language we can, and from my experience many people often do, focus on changing they way they communicate to their lover to accommodate their lover's love language. This is awesome!! It is very helpful in so many ways. One of the other possibilities I see overlooked more often is this: Now you know your lovers primary love language. You know that is the way they prefer to give and receive love. What you can do is try to recognize when they are communicating to you in their love language. Even thought it is not YOUR preferred language, you know it is theirs and that means that in their language they are trying to communicate love. ...Kind of like, "It's the thought that counts" in gift giving. Does that make any sense?