From an outsider's perspective, you seemed a lot happier when you were going with the flow and not resisting the feelings. Just by writing all of that ^^^ you've already felt some of the ick and then stuffed it down to avoid it. But it doesn't leave, it just piles up under the surface.

Anniversaries will suck for awhile. Special occasions will suck for awhile. But it really does get better!

"keep wondering if R i the right thing to do."
The good news is you'll know in about 5 years. Bad news is you'll know in about 5 years.

((hugs))

so i got home before yesterday as i had to pick up kids from bus since she has a counseling session. i had already bought her card weeks ago, when i was in a better frame of mind. we only ever do cards for holidays or anniversaries anyway...so thats typical. but i thought, hmm..all i have is a card, and these last few weeks, we've been really off our game, so i thought id get some goodies for dessert, and then decided to make dinner (just pasta and sauce) for her and the kids, so when she comes home, dinner and a glass of wine and flowers are waiting for her. i felt good about doing that.

and then, my son spills chocolate milk on the dining room table..and i just crumble... like its the worst thing in the word.... when i am stressed... any little thing that goes wrong just really slays me.... then a few other mini things, and i check out for the rest of the evening....

i start into my self loathing mode...why do i even bother trying...nothing i ever do it right... i tried to make a nice bday dinner and have a nice quiet family evening, and it all goes to hell....

then i start beating myself up about even wanting and having the desire to do something nice for her, for her bday...i start thinking...you idiot...why are you so stupid.....dont you remember what she did...the choices she made???? why do you even have the desire to do something nice for her....what kind of an idiot are you?

so i beat myself up before i got home because in my head, i didn't do enough,...then after doing it, i beat myself up for doing it, because...well...AFFAIRS!....

no one likes the dessert i bought.... and as I'm crashing even lower and lower from what i wanted to be a perfect evening... i realize that the last time a man ever made her dinner, was an italian guy she hooked up w in spring 2014.... i saw and email she sent to another guy when she gloated about her affair w her italian lover "i'd suck, we'd f*ck, he'd cook, we'd f*ck some more" ....then i remember that the last guy she was with, made her a cake after they reenacted the 50 Shades BDSM scene....

wow..... some days i hate my mind...and hate knowing what i know about what happened...

and finally after the kids are asleep, we talk for a bit on the couch, and i say..i don't think i can do this...im sorry i ruined your bday...i wanted one perfect evening for you and the kids and me....

i told her, i think that as long as we stay together, all we are going to ever do is cause each other hurt. i told her, that just having her around reminds me everyday of what she did...and that is so hard for me to bear ever day

so in short.
i honestly cried over spilt milk..... for real.....i just can't deal w anything that upsets me , or that i think will upset her.... i my head...if she gets upset, then she will go have another affair...even though i have over 1 year of evidence and work on her part to show me that, that is not true.

i think i am going nuts again...i really do

I'm going to lighten up the spilt milk. I cry ( and yell and curse) over spilled milk. Why? Because nobody else cleans it properly. It gets into the seat cushions, cracks in the table and drips down the table legs into the floor. If you don't clean it right you will be smelling dirty ass crack in a few days and not know what the hell your smelling. So in short those who don't cry over spilled milk never realized that.

Rebuilding a marriage is that spilled milk. If you don't clean the mess you'll deal with the rancid aftermath.