Ugh, I feel your pain. DDAY was beginning of December - shortly after my husband's birthday, and shortly before mine. And then Christmas. And our anniversary is Jan 7. That whole season was a nightmare for me for even a couple of years after DDAY.

One of the ways I was able to overcome (I can only speak from the perspective of a betrayed spouse) is to overshadow the dark, sad, (for me, angry) feelings with joyful memories. A year post DDAY, I didn't even want to decorate for Christmas or celebrate my birthday. I just wanted to hide away and let those months slip by without being acknowledged. My husband helped by encouraging me to do "small things" for the holidays for the kids. I had to do the "fake it til I make it" kinda thing, but pushing forward helped, and I was sooo glad I did after the fact.

As for her... my husband would go through periods of not *missing* the OW, but regret, sadness, disappointment in himself and the pain he had caused me... and he would get super depressed and withdrawn. At first, I would feel really resentful (and in my case, angry) and I would withdrawn, too. I would feel like he had no right to be upset, since he CHOSE this. Sadly, this pulled us both far, far away from healing. It took us a long time to pull back together again. Instead, I tried pulling closer to him during those times. Not in an invasive, in-his-face-all-the-time way, just in a way that let him know I was there to lean on and encourage him.

Pouring on the love and being cheerful and loving helped him pull out of his dark mood. I did the same thing he did for me regarding the holiday season: I urged him to push through the dark into the light again. I'd plan dates and work at bringing a smile to his face. I'd rejoice in every chuckle, and encourage him to do the same.

Sometimes it worked. Overall it worked, really. But sometimes it didn't. Sometimes he'd get even more morose and pull out the, "I don't deserve you" card, which was irritating, frustrating, and felt like a spit in the face on everything I was trying to do. But. I kept at it, because that's what marriage is. It's sticking through the hard times and the joyful times and embracing them both.

Journaling can be helpful - but maybe it's worthwhile for your wife to see a counselor. Our MC recommended to my husband that he get a hobby or something to fill his time so that he could stay busy and find passion in a healthy way. Does she have anything like that? I'd go a step beyond and say that maybe the two of you can find some sort of hobby or interest that you BOTH can partake in that would bring you both joy, growth, and interest. Anything from wine tasting to golfing to reading to 4-wheeling to archery to antiquing.

Good luck to you. I hope you're able to find an upswing and have a GOOD week together soon.

It's rough, I know. The first year, my wife thought about them a lot everyday. Gradually, she stopped. By sometime in the second year, she stopped thinking about them a lot, but she would think about them at some point in the day. I remember the first time she said, with some surprise, "He hasn't popped into my head once today." Until of course, that moment. But she'd been focused on something else. But it wasn't really until the third year that she no longer had him pop into her mind regularly every day. Now in our 5th year, she doesn't think about him that much.

There are a lot of things that can keep those thoughts alive, like pictures, mementos, gifts she kept, etc. They all act as triggers to remind her of them. Then there are triggers she doesn't have as much control over, like places they tended to go, the type of car he drove, etc. Whenever she saw a red Buick LaSaber, even if it wasn't him, she would think about him.

It does take time. I mean, if you were to divorce your wife, who I assume you love, you'd be thinking about her a lot even if you were with another woman by that point. I told Gabbi that her feelings for him would have to die over time. But it would also take work on her part. This is where your wife may need to think about switching gears. Initially, journaling and the like may help her sort through her feelings and put them to rest, but at some point she'll need to not stoke that fire and let it die a natural death. I wrote a whole article on that, which if you like I can PM you the link to it. But for example, one tactic my wife used was distractions. Our priest had her wear a rubber band around her wrist, and whenever she realized she was thinking about him, or areas of the affairs where she shouldn't be dwelling, she would snap the rubber band on her wrist to pull her out of those thoughts.

IOW, the way to let those thoughts die is to work to actively not think about them, which initially takes some work and time to accomplish. But if not actively done, and thoughts about him and the affairs are allowed free reign in her mind and heart, it will tend to keep that alive rather than die off. That's because it takes a while for love to die, and to do it requires starving that love by not feeding it anymore attention than possible.

In Gabbi's case, she had one final issue to deal with that was keeping thoughts about him alive in her. She felt guilty and responsible for his pain in cutting off the relationship so drastically. She had felt that for over two years from dday, and it was continuing to feed thoughts about him. Something she wrote in our third year, about 3-4 months from our 3rd dday anniversary, on the CA forum, made me realize what was going on, and I wrote her an email letter about it. It ended up being the thing that helped her to get past those feelings and let them die as well. She posted the letter on her journal if you'd like to read it:

http://www.dailystrength.org/people/602693/journal/9306485

I believe it is readable by anyone, friend or not.

Admittedly, being forced to cut off all contact when feeling wise, one is not ready to do that, is a difficult task. It would be like if I was picked up by the CIA and secretly held in a detention cell, with no ability to contact my wife and family to tell them what happened. I would naturally be emotionally a wreck and thinking about her all the time, and even though not my fault, feel guilty that from her end, I just disappeared without a trace. Not a one-to-one comparison, but the principle is the same. If you end up caring about someone, it is the opposite of caring to cut off all contact with them. If the CS does that successfully, they are going to feel guilty for doing that to this person they care about. Just as they'll feel guilty, if they are on the right track, for having cheated on the BS because they care about them even more, which is why they are sacrificing the affair relationship(s) to save that relationship. But feelings of love and caring don't die off quickly, so neither do the feelings of guilt for dumping the AP so drastically when their feelings inside them says, "No, you shouldn't treat them this way if you cared about them."

So, your wife may not be ready to begin starving that love; it took my wife around 3 months to come to a place of beginning that process by deciding to get rid of pictures and other physical reminders. Your wife needs to come to a point where she honestly desires for that love-link with him to die. Not because you want her to, or because she feels she should if she is serous about rebuilding, but because she realizes those feelings, however real they may seem to her, are not allowing her to give her whole self into your relationship, and it was wrong for her to kindle those feelings to begin with, and they are feelings she *wants* to get rid of so she isn't as distracted from giving her all to you.

Because until she honestly wants the love feelings to die, she will not have the fortitude to starve that love, which isn't easy, especially initially.

Yes, as a BS I hated that my wife had loved another like she did me. I hated that he had a place in her heart that he shouldn't have had all that time. But as long as I knew she was working on letting it die a natural death, I could at least see a path to when that would no longer be true. At this point, we've pretty much arrived there. She doesn't think about him near as much, certainly not everyday, and she no longer feels guilty and responsible for his pain in the ending of the relationship. She doesn't feel any more caring for him now than she'd feel for any stranger or acquaintance. She's now much more like her old self, but new and improved.

Just so you know there is hope. :)

powerful stuff Cole. Thank you for the share.

Yes, thank you, Cole. This was very helpful to me, too.