Choices ....or what does a gunshot and infidelity have incommon?
Lately, I've been looking and framing infidelity thru the lens of CHOICES.
The person who committed infidelity made their choice.
The person who has betrayed....what choices did they make?
No one choices to be a victim of infidelity. I certainly didn't, but here I am, almost 3 years post Dday.
I've made much progress since those first hours, days, weeks, year/s .... but its still there....still left a scar that isn't 100% healed.
I was thinking of the concept of healing after an injury.
I thought about being shot.
No Dr would tell you, as you are laying in a puddle of your own blood, that "it's just a matter of your personal choice to heal from this gunshot". that would be ludicrous, and it wouldn't be accurate or true.
The first thing you'd do, would be to STOP THE BLEEDING. You may apply pressure...but you aren't going to be able to heal by yourself. You are going to need to go the hospital and have surgery by professionals. They can mend the injury, and stop the bleeding.
But they are never going to be able to undo you getting shot.
After you come out of surgery, can you run and jump and go about your merry life?
You are going to need to recouperate and recovery. You may have to do Physcialor Occupation therapy for some time. You need to work at it, for yourself.... for your loved ones.... you need to do what you need to do, in order to be able to get back up and get back on with life. People are counting on you... you owe it to them...you owe it to yourself.
After some time, the physical aspect is less, and you feel stronger, but you still carry a scar.
The scar is something people and MDs can't see because the scar is inside you. Its your heart, your mind, your soul...your very essence of being. You feel as it you have been violated. How dare someone do this to you.
You may become angry..vengeful... sad, depressed.... you may constantly relive the shooting... and suffer from PTSD.... you may think that you will never again be a whole human being...that your life has been irrevocably damaged ....and you're right...it has.... but at some point...you have a choice.
At some point in your recovery, once the stitches are removed, and your therapy is complete and you get a clean bill of health to go run and jump and play.... because your body is healed and you are capable of doing these things once again..but you choice not to...because the inner damage is still there...something is still bleeding....something is still festering.
and you may change your way of living. You may be traumatized
overtime you hear a gun shot...or see a movie , or read the news. You may no longer associate with certain people, because you experience triggers when you are around them. You may change your entire life to AVOIDING any chance of you ever having to encounter anything that has to do with a firearm.
but, that isn't going to help your healing. you may still feel a victim. you may still feel emaciated , impotent , weak, damaged..scarred and scared.
but at some point, and it may be a year, it may be 5 years...at some point... you need to realize that YOU HAVE THE POWER TO CHOICE. its within your grasp. its an option, and perhaps for 5 years, you never believed you had any options... you believed you just had to live w the fallout of this tragic event.... but at some point, you need to accept that no one else is responsible for your healing... all responsibility lay within you...its up to you..your choices....
at some point, you can decide, "look, its been 5 years, and I've avoided everything there is to avoid about firearms because I once was shot and had surgery....but the thing is....YOU SURVIVED. You're still here! And perhaps the person who shot you has made atonement to you... perhaps not..... and you can choose to say "Ill never be fully healed until the person who shot me says they are sorry, or the person who shot me needs to pay the price for their actions and choice. but , you can't control anyone but yourself. and if you tie your own healing into what someone is supposed to do, your barking up the wrong tree. you are prolonging the pain.
its a tough thing to accept , that at some point, you are the one who is choosing to hold on to your past and your past pain. you can let it define you, or you can learn from it, and try your best to move on and continue along your life's journey
this is how I've been thinking lately.
I don't always put this into action.
hell, in fact, I RARELY put this into action, but at this point , I ACCEPT that making a choice, is a choice I can decide to make. I accept that, waiting for my wife to do or say or act in a manner that is accordance with my expectation is a bottomless pit..because, I don't have any control over any one other than myself.
I see that one option I have before me is to "take the high road"
I could choose to forgive my wife...I could choose not to.
I could choose to forgive the APS, or my wifes BFF at the time.
Or I could not to.
I could make my forgiveness conditional on something that I have no control over..and that would be someone else choices and decisions. ....and if they don't act as you expect. then where are you? lost? floating? hopeless? victimized?
it can't be like that. it can't for me, at least.
at this juncture, almost 3 yrs post DDAY.... its MY CHOICE to heal...
its my choice to let go ....its my choice to forgive...its my choice to stay ...its my choice to leave....its my choice to constantly pick at the scab until it opens again and starts bleeding and then I can go back to my assailant and scream "see what you've done to me!!!??" but picking that scab...that was my choice...not theirs. they SHOT me... but they didn't keep shooting me along my recovery.
we all have choices.
this is why we are powerful.
reclaiming your power to CHOOSE is reclaiming your power...reclaiming your life, and renouncing the pasts hold on you...renouncing someone else power over you.
I still don't know if I am going to stay married to my wife or not.
Right now, I choice to remain in the marriage. I choose to do it for my kids. I choose to do it for me.
I choose to try to see what I can learn from this experienced and I choose to see what I can do to make myself a better person.
What my wife does, or the APs do, ..its not my circus....not my monkeys.
One thing that was incredibly hard for me to accept from sanon 12 steps meetings was that (in program lanquage) "my wifes sobriety is not my concern nor is it my business".
my concern and my business...is ME.... my life...my choices...my healing...my learning...my self awareness.
sure...I could be totally full of sh1t on everything I just wrote.... but its like that old story about which wolf inside you will win .... the one you feed!
so, I choose.
I choose to no longer feed the wolf of fear and anger and victimless
I choose to feed the wolf of love , of understanding, of compassion and of self awareness.