Hi, Becca,

Glad you found us but sad for the reason you needed to. Sorry to hear about the affair and his difficulties.

Do you have a chance to recover this marriage? Yes. But this won't be easy, especially in your circumstances. Because there are some big hurdles I see both of you will need to jump.

First and foremost, it will take 100% commitment from both parties. And as long as he has an affair going on under your nose, that effectively prevents rebuilding. The only way your marriage can be saved in the long run is if he acknowledges he is in the wrong for doing what he is doing, and cut off all contact with the OW. And I mean all contact. And then be as transparent as he can with you (access to any cell phones, email accounts, Facebook, other social sites or accounts, cell phone bill detail, and anything else you need to see) to help you know that he is not continuing the relationship behind your back.

Believe me, the medical issues and war trauma, as bad as they are, can be used for excuses to justify doing something like cheating that is destructive to both him and you. He will feel like a victim. He will feel like emotions just swept him up and he was helpless to do other than he did. Practically ever cheater feels this way, especially if they know internally what they are doing is wrong. But at some point, he will need to take responsibility for what he's done. When push comes to shove, he decided to respond to his issues in an unhealthy and destructive manner. And until he comes to that point, acknowledges his responsibility in the matter, and owns it as something he did wrong, he will continue to be susceptible to repeating his destructive behaviors.

I say that not only for him, but for you. Because it sounds like you are cutting him some slack because of his issues. On one hand, that is fine as far as being willing to heal and move forward. But if it turns more into the "making excuses" for him, you are in effect enabling his sense of victim status and delaying what he needs to do to really begin healing this situation. Certainly you can have compassion on him for the issues he's dealt with, and give him time to rectify the situation. But don't expect any real rebuilding to happen until he commits to you and cuts off all contact with the OW and wants to heal himself of this situation.

Because right now, the message he is getting is that he is free to play both of you. Unless you're ready to have an open marriage on a long term basis, and waive the wedding vows you took, it means you'll need to set some boundaries and take steps to become more independent. He needs to be aware, even if you are wiling to put up with this for a period of time in the hopes of repentance and change, that you will leave him at some point if this continues. And then start taking steps to move and prepare for that eventuality should he not stop what he is doing.

I know this may seem counter to what you want, but the reality is as long as they think they can "have their cake and eat it too," they'll tend to remain in what we call the "fog" of the affair and never move forward in helping you or the marriage to heal. For rebuilding to be successful, he will have to get to that point, and generally speaking (may not be true in your situation, but generally it is) they will not come out of the fog until they sense that they are going to lose you if they don't straighten up and fly right.

My wife hit that realization on dday. Until then, she'd convinced herself that if I found out, I wouldn't divorce her. And by and large, it would have taken a good deal for me to divorce her. And I wouldn't have done it right away. But if after 3-6 months she hadn't cut off contact with the OM and did all she needed to do to heal herself and our marriage, then I would have had no choice but to end the marriage. And on dday, I think she, for the first time, realized that was a real possibility. That this was a very big deal, and she could lose me. And she didn't want to do that at all. And today, I can still report, 10.5 months after dday, our marriage is as strong as it has ever been, and we are more in love with each other than ever. In large part, because she was shocked into reality and started doing everything she could to heal the damage she'd caused.

But even with that, it took her about 3-4 months to stop feeling like she was victim and to take responsibility for it. And once she did, she had to deal with the guilt and shame of it all. And the more she came out of the fog, the more she felt horrible for what she did to me and us. But she was healing, going through the stages of grief (I have a post on here somewhere on that, do a search on "stages of grief" and it should pop up). It has only been recently that she has come to a better place in dealing with what she'd done, though it will always be there, and I don't envy her on that front either.

But right now, for you, it may require some tough love. Like, for one, I would refuse to have sex with him as long as he is in a relationship with another woman. Not only for health reasons (STDs, some of which can be life threatening), but also because you shouldn't give him the thought that he can have you both at the same time. That's what I mean about establishing boundaries. He needs to know, that while you are putting up with this at the moment, that it is not okay and there is a cut off point on what you'll tolerate.

How you handle this is up to you, this is just some advice I want you to consider and apply to your own circumstances. But you don't want to send him the wrong signals either, unless that is really what you believe and are willing to do. That is, for him to in effect have multiple wives. Because as long as he's having sex with her, she is, practically speaking, like another wife for him.

But I sincerely hope and pray that he'll come around and your situation will work out for the best and rebuilding is in your future. But for it to work, he will have to get fully on board with it, and it doesn't sound like he's there yet if he's still having the affair. Rebuilding can't happen until all contact with the other woman (OW) is established. Though, you can work toward that goal for a period of time in the hopes he'll get the message and take action. But ultimately the decision is in his court. He'll either honor his marriage vows and end it with her, and put himself fully into you and your marriage, or he'll follow his own desires and interest and end up losing you in the end.

But I do hope it will work out. And hope you'll find help here and support.

hi Becca! I really hope eveythinf works out well for you and I feel badly that you are going through this. I can relate to how you feel...
I was in a serious relationship when I found out my bf had an affair. Just like in your case, we broke up but continued to have some contact, because we loved each other. He was still seeing the other woman.
I think we do a lot of things we don't normally do when there is too much pain and hurt. Now looking back at it with a somewhat clear head I have to ask - if a guy can have the best of both words and it is tolerated, what would make him stop and commit? How do you feel about it?
I did this for some time - about 2 months and then I had to stand up for myself.
It is really hard.

I am torn between what to do. I have put a wall up with him, although I am vulnerable, I have set boundaries. At the same time I am torn-- do I go No Contact and push him even more into her arms? Or do I just try to make the best of my time with him to show him how we can work on things? I know that there is no rebuilding happening right now-- we are stuck here in the meantime waiting for him to open his eyes or for me to say I have given my all. Its only about 2 months and three weeks into this, but its horrible torture for me. Part of me says I am showing him how true love works, but part of me thinks he doesn't care. Its hard to know what is true and what is not. Everything is upside down. I don't know what step to take. My heart says to enjoy our time- because selfishly if its my last moment with him I will take it. And he isn't being overly mean really-- he isn't blaming me, he is loving etc.. but again I want to be enough for someone not that they need more than me to be happy, make sense? I am 27 years old and someone else will take me. My head says go no contact-- cold turkey, show him life without me-- but then I think out of sight out of mind, and then pushing him closer to her. Does this even make sense to anyone?
Becca

I remember a movie I saw once where the mother of a BS told her daughter that the best thing she could do is "give the CS a big dose of his mistress". Cut off contact with him, let him have OW and see what life would be like with her and not you. Its a chance you take, but as Cole said in his post, don't let H think he can have you and OW too. You are too valuable to be demeaned like that. Make him choose. ( this is advice from a man, so take heed.) Just a thought.

Just be careful you do not enable him to totally have an open marriage -- you ever willing to take him back in and be intimate with him, while the OW does the same. Being in that situation over time is crazy making! Both for him and you (probably the OW too, but who cares about her!).

Once he gets deep with his feelings for her, like it sounds he is already, the only way he will not continue to ride the fence of seeing both of you is when one of you two knocks him off and shuts down access.

Either OW will get sick of his going back and forth and put down an ultimatum, or she will get sick of him and send him back home.

Conversely, perhaps your husband will get sick of OW and get out of his fog, and have remorse. However, he is much less likely to get sick of OW when he gets to only rely on her for a subset of his needs, since you meet all his other needs every time he comes back to see you.

Thus, in some sense, you are enabling him to keep seeing OW with rose color lenses!

Also, if he is depressed and has PTSD, the emotional roller coaster of having two different lovers and going back and forth is only going to worsen his problems! It is a highly unstable situation and will keep him looking for short-term fixes!

I guess my message is to keep having hope, but figure out your boundaries and stick to them, with clear communication to him as to what your requirements are for a continued relationship with him.

I agree with everything you guys are saying, and I am setting boundaries and am not as available to him as before. Of course no sex. I do have hope, but other days I just feel like walking away-- not that he doesn't deserve that, but I don't want to make hasty decisions, and right now I am not even prepared to think about divorce. I just need to focus on myself, and my personal health and well being. I don't want him to look at me, nor do I want to look at myself, as being pathetic-- but he does need to suffer the consequences of atleast not having all of me, or any of me for that matter, while she is in his life. Its hard getting to that point-- but I feel that I am getting there.

I understand not even being prepared to think about divorce. Believe me I do. However, do not let him know that. Nothing created more movement than my going to a divorce attorney for information. It remains to be seen if that movement will bring about a full reconciliation or not, though, but it created a lot of movement. However, I am over a year and a half since I found out about their EA. Yup, 1.5 to 2 year later you H could still be going back and forth between you two easily if no one puts any boundaries on him.

Yes, mental health and mid-life issues are a huge part of the problem here too.

180, 180, 180, Try it. Search the discussions and you can read about it. It is a way to better yourself emotionally learning to be you without him. It is a win win. If he chooses to rebuild, you are better emotionally and aware of your ability to move forward, if he choose to stay gone, you are emotionally prepared to be on your own.

I would certainly say you shouldn't seriously make a decision on divorce at this point. Give it at a minimum three months, recommended six before you make any life-changing decisions like divorce. Fresh out of dday, even one or two months out, your emotions are still riding the roller coaster and you're not in a good mental place to make any decisions like that. The divorce option is always on the table if and when you need it, but once you go down that road, hard to backtrack. But as you can already tell, it isn't easy making decisions in this state of mind. You can safely put off making any firm decisions on divorce, and see if he will man up and make things right in the next few months.

That said, my point was that he needs to be aware that you sticking around while he plays around is not an unlimited offer. You will leave at some point. And one of the ways you can do this is to start preparing for that possibility by becoming more independent. Make sure you can financially support yourself, have your own bank account he doesn't have access to, meet a lawyer to find out what the process is in your state, costs involved, so you can plan if that's the direction this ends up going. Gathering information will not be a commitment to go through with it, only preparations in case.

But as he sees you standing on your own feet, and making plans in the event he doesn't shape up, any fantasy he has that you'll never leave him and he can have both of you will began to crack. At at some point, if he really doesn't want to lose you, he'll either start shaping up or at least trying to give the impression he is.

But the advantage for you is not only to get him to move, but if six months or a year later, you realize he is just not going to change and it is either live with the fact he will be continually cheating on you or get out of the marriage, you'll be an a position and place where you can do the latter. But no, I wouldn't recommend thinking seriously about divorce just yet. Let's see if this can be redeemed first. And the first step for him is to be shaken out of his fog. And the best way for that to happen is to destroy his fantasy that you'll be "happy" and stay while he continues having an affair.

There is a post called the "180" on the infidelity forum. You might go there and do a search. It gives a list of things you can do both to give yourself more independence, while communicating to him that you are preparing to move on without him, if that is where this leads. You can take those and apply to your situation as you see they fit. Someone here may have the direct link for it saved and give it to us.

Thank you all for all the great insight, advice and support. I did find the 180 post and printed, and I also read about it in the divorce remedy. My question with the 180 is it complete lack of contact? I guess my situation is unique in that he is not sleeping at home although he comes around our house often- like I know in two hours he will be home until about eight. Do I just leave when he comes or do I "emotionally" leave- meaning I put up a wall and give him space in the house? I guess that's where I get confused. Is it complete lack of contact or just minimum contact? I do think 2-3 months in I am not ready to make hasty decisions. I told myself I would check in at six months and again at one year, which will be our ten year anniversary. I think then I can save I gave it my all. Thanks again I'm studying up on the 180.

I never had to actually use the 180, since my wife made a relatively quick exit from the affair and has been making a strong effort at healing from the get go. It is more designed when your spouse isn't being as cooperative as he/she should be, and is still in the affair fog.

So I'll leave the bulk of your question for those who have used it. My sense is that you may not need to do everything on it as written. You may need to adjust for your situation. And you may need help in doing so.

Which brings me to another question, have you sought out any counseling help for yourself? It can be a big help having an objective person trained in dealing with these situations to bounce this stuff off of and all. Most here will tell you it is practically necessary if you want to deal with this in the best way. But a counselor could go through that list with you and help you to determine in your situation, what is the best ones to do, not do, or modify as the case may be.

I think the essence of how much contact to have is how much do you need to cut him off to protect yourself emotionally from the hurt of having him come in and out of your marriage as his sexual impulses and desires see fit while actively dating another woman. The other part of it is how much do you need to cut yourself off from him to start actively pursuing your life again.

Its done to protect and help you, but has the paradoxical affect of making a wayward see that they cannot take a good thing for granted.

It is a hard line to walk, and easier said than done.

I would assume that it would work if you are polite but avasive when he visits. Find something to do like run an errand or visit a friend. I think the no contact refers to you seeking contact and making yourself readily available for him.

I am actively doing the 180 w/ my H. I modify it as it applies to us. He has no idea that I am doing this w/ him. We are rebuilding successfully but, I am still cautious. Basically what I do is allow him to see that I do not NEED him. I will not take his bullshit. If he tries to dish it out to me ..... he can leave. I say what I need to say to get my point across and end it there. No long explanations or sappy words.... just very direct.
I am purposefully letting him know in my subtle way that I will be ok w/out him and I am not going to work this marriage out by myself. He fully knows that I am going to have bad days and has to own it and help me work through it. Hope this helps

thanks guys, it does help. I called military one source today, a free service for military dependents and soldiers and have 12 free counseling appointments just for working on me. I asked for a male counselor, since my marriage counselor now is female. I also called to cancel my marriage counseling appointments for the time being ( going by myself seem unfruitful, especially when I need to work on myself). I just had this epiphany today that I need to fix myself-- to where my emotions are not all over the place and I have better control over them, as well as learn my self worth again and my self respect. I don't feel that until I can feel more confident with myself and less fragile-- that I can move on to the next step of possibly going to marriage counseling, but what is the point in going alone? I need to get the relationship with myself in check first, before even considering my own. Things have been up and down with my CS. The last two days we have come together, gotten upset over something silly, said things we didn't mean, and then held to eachother telling eachother how much we need eachother in the end-- this is not healthy. I shouldn't have to cause a fight to feel needed. I made a decision today to act like nothing is wrong, and if I have moments of weakness or emotional trainwreckedness to keep those private moments-- not to let my husband take pleasure in my pain, although I know it hurts him-- how is he going to want to turn to a wife who is an emotional basketcase (even though I am rightfully so) when he has a superficial mistress who doesn't have issues-- my logic could be off. But working on myself, and starting to incorporate the 180 slowly but surely. Thanks again for all the great support and advice.