I dropped by DS the other day and took some time to read the posts on the rebuilding page. I am sorry if you are reading my post today because I know why you are here. I was here five years ago trying to make sense of one of the most horrific experiences of my life. I was numb. I was outraged. I was betrayed. As time wore on and I battled my emotions, I would scan DS for any signs of someone with 5 years behind an A in their rear view mirror. I needed to see that someone had survived an A. The messages from the “old timers” were few and far between.

So today I decided to come back and do a posting. First of all to say, for those early in the process – I KNOW how you feel. I have been there. I have survived and I am still married. Dday for me was Feb. 2010.

If I could go back and offer myself some advice, in the early months and even years, I would. But since I can’t, I’d like to offer my thoughts to those of you new in the process.

1. I wish I had put more burden on my spouses shoulder to manage the rebuilding. I was first to research articles, buy books and do online research and suggest counseling. I wish I had sat back and made HIM to the work, but at the time I was scared and being a “take charge” kind of person, I did much of the labor. I think he would have gotten more out of it if I had pushed him to take the lead in the early weeks and months.

2. Be certain early on that your CS has cut all contact. I found out that for the first 4 weeks after DDay there was limited contact between the CS and OW because they thought they could still be friends. That one floored me. That’s what the fog does to them. The fog also means you have to be patient while you help them pull their head out of their a--.

3. Ask ALL YOUR QUESTIONS NOW. But be prepared for the answers. I still have one or two I wish I had asked early on and didn’t and it does not make sense to ask now. They would serve no purpose at this point.

4. Don’t be afraid to push for thing you need in the rebuilding for fear of scaring them off. If they truly want to rebuild, they will respond, even if it takes a few attempts to get what you are looking for / need.

5. Time does heal all wounds. And don’t put a timetable on your healing. I kept reading it could take up to 2 years. I am 5 years out and it was 4.5 years before I was feeling back to my old self. That is my timetable. Yours will be different.

6. Be patient with yourself when negative feelings seep in. At 5 years out, our marriage is pretty good. Sometimes the A rears its head in my mind when we have conflict or issues. I still have to remind myself that the past needs to stay in the past.

7. You can use the A as a catalyst for a better marriage. Insist on it. We had issues pre dday. I used the A to say that if we were rebuilding, then we WERE BOTH going to make changes. We did and we have stuck to them. I refuse to settle back into a less satisfying marriage after our history. We both are working at it and that has been our success.

8. Find yourself a good support buddy. I eventually had to leave DS because other people’s anguish would trigger anguish in myself. I did maintain contact with some awesome people I met through DS who I can still talk to if I need a pep talk or a safe place to vent. I’ve needed a few over the years. I feel like I will always need to maintain contact with my sisters, even though time grows farther and farther between communications…but they are there. I need them there. They know my whole story and have seen me hurting at my lowest point. They are my war buddies and I will probably need them for the rest of my life.

9. Live in the moment. Every day we are given 24 hours. They are brand new. They are a fresh start. Make them count.

I wish each and every one of you success. And I hope my feeble attempt to tell my story gives you some hope that you can come out on the other end of this with happiness and your marriage intact. Blessings.