even though I'm a a very good space....... some days....I still crash

even though I feel that I have traveled quite far in my healing journey and my wife and I are in a good spot in R, and the memories of Dday fade as do my brain re-inventoring the facts regarding my wifes infidelities.......  ie....even though I'm a a very good space....... some days....I still crash

the facts of who, what, where, when, how...etc.... have been popping back into my head these last few weeks.   on one hand, I get upset w myself because think "NOOOOO....I thought I was past this!....now I'm going backwards!!!

I talk to my wife about it as well.    I find that , if my wife is in a down mood, or not feeling well...or a number of things.... or if I interpret her behavior as her being in an agitated or annoyed state, THAT is when I seem to start to go back into reinventorying. ( which is NOT the same a reliving...I don't experience the trauma ...its just those past facts start to come back to the forefront of my thinking)

man..I freaking HATE THAT!!!!

I think that part of it is a trigger when I perceive my wife being sad, or upset or agitated... exhausted....   I. think.."oh no...this is how she looked before she started the affairs....."

she says she understands why I start to think that this, but that the truth of the matter is, she is exhausted from work, has been sick for the last week and change (had a fever of over 101 for 2 days, and then had an allegoric reaction to the medicine, ended up in the ER and into the hospital room for a weekend, and has just been wiped out...... 

heck, I know when I don't  feel good, I am extra sensitive to things that annoy me....

so I understand and except that, she hasn't been feeling well  the last few weeks..yet, rationally...KNOW this...but irrationally.... I think ..."oh no...... here we go..... just wait for it....its coming....she's going to crack"

I do tell her when I get stuck in these modes. she says not to worry because she has much better coping skills and boundaries and no longer associates w the toxic people from the past.....  and I except that as well.... but still...sometimes.... I just sink

so this morning, I was wondering....what is it that sets me down that path ?

and I determined....its FEAR.....and some ANGER....its not so much FEAR that she will start cheating again.....its a fear of disconnecting again..... when either of us isn't feeling great, we aren't all that cuddly....and who wants to have sex when they feel sick...I get it.

but I realized this morning, that, what I started to feel over the last few weeks, was DISCONNECTION.... we hadn't had sex in a few weeks, not a lot of hugging and snuggling....she felt like crap so we couldn't even fall asleep in one another arms because she couldn't take the sensation of a warm body touching her....

at some point yesterday, when I was doing work in the yard, helping wife in the garden, and then fixing kids bikes, then walking w my son while he was checking out his training wheels...I started into this whole "I am a failure as a man, as a husband and as a father".  ... I told my wife that, and she said "why is that where you go....even after you've been super dad for these last few weeks...."

but I think what I was feeling...was fear ...fear of disconnection from my wife.

at some point Sunday afternoon, she was laying on the couch, and kids were playing inside... and she asked if I wanted to scissor (cuddle w my legs over her torso and vice versa.)...and my first thought was "why...why would you want to be near me...im a failure?"    but as soon as we lay next to one another and I wrap my hands around her legs ..I felt and INSTANT sense of calm.

after the kids went to bed, I said "know when I finally came back?"   and she said "yes. when we cuddled on the couch" .... I said...yes...exactly.... it was an instantaneous sense of calm once we re-connected.

after dinner she said she finally felt better then she had in the last few weeks...she looked better as well... color back to her face...eyes more open.....  and we went to bed and had just an amazing evening of intense passionate sex.......        and I lay there thinking.... "this is what we need ...we need to always remember to connect....."

and this morning...thats when I realized...I wasn't worried about her cheating again...and I don't believe I am a failure at all.... but when I start to feel disconnection w my wife...its like I'm in a boat with no oars just floating aimlessly in the ocean.......

and what always brings me back is

VULNERABILITY

AND

INTIMACY