Thank you all for your words of wisdom-I really appreciate it. I'm still just taking it all in and contemplating it all...I would need to be more prepared financially/emotionally than I am at the moment to do a separation.
I tried it at one point, but then chickened out before he left, because I wasn't emotionally prepared yet.

I definitely feel like I should at least try to get proof, but to give myself a time limit, to not let it go on forever.
I'm just thinking of the future...what man is going to want to marry someone who divorced their last husband with no cold, hard evidence?

Also, how am I supposed to trust that he stops cheating even if he does "confess" to get me back, and even if he does the accountability and counseling?

Personally, as a man I would feel better about dating someone that got themselves out of an uncomfortable, suspicious, unrewarding marriage with no proof than someone who stayed passively in such a situation over time denying their self-awareness while waiting for proof. Strength is always more sexy and appealing than passivity and dependence.

Sorry.

Thank you for your advice, no need for an apology...

pinkpony-When you separated, was he remorseful, or did he just admit it with no remorse at first? Did he blame you, or take responsibility up front?

goingtobeok: Do you mind sharing your experience, and how you got to where you are now with your wife? I read somewhere else that you have a healthy relationship now...

Before he admitted the A he avoided facing real problems. He would turn our fights into a way that vilified me and put he as the victim and me as the angry wife. Ibwas the angry wife. In my heart I knew he cheated and that tainted everything that was good and amplified what was bad.

Our initial seperation was peaceful. He assumed I was just bluffing, taking a break. When it was clear that I intended the seperation to be long term or permanent, he panicked. He called me telling me that I was a good wife and not to pity him as he deals with losing me because he deserves to lose me. It all is happening because of him.

Hewas weird and he was avasively admitting something. I said I know there are things you should have told me and I hope someday you have enough respect for me to tell mecthesecthings. He you are right and one dayvwecwill talk and I will tell you everything.

That day came a week or so after our phone conversation. That's where he let it all out. Yes I had an A yes you were right. I have a 7 year old son. That's where the conversation shocked me.

Now as he was preparing me to hear about his truth he tried to explain the emotions he was going through, his rejection and feeling like shit. He felt like he had no self esteem. That was the only time he attempted to blame me for his choices.

From that point on he took full responsibility for the A and worked hard at doing the right thing.

He didn't always do the right thing but he usually tried.

Thank you so much pinkpony-I appreciate you sharing that. When you say he didn't always do the right thing, what are you referring to? How long ago did he confess and do you feel confident that he's been faithful ever since?
And any further success stories that anyone else has would also be very helpful-I'm really trying to be hopeful...

ILL,

My story in a nutshell: My wife reconnected via facebook with her high school boyfriend. It started as just catching up then old feelings got stoked and it turned into an affair. I found out and then got trickle truthed for a while. Got the committed I want to save our marriage statements, and then the affair went underground. When the details were out in the open, she started therapy to figure things out. I tried to love, understand and nice her back into our marriage. That is what you do when you love someone, right? After all we took vows. Nope. That just enables and pushes them deeper into the affair. So, I reached a point where I could see nicing and loving her back was not going to work. I read a lot here and at survivinginfidelity.com. I was making myself sick. So, I got up one morning and decided to put myself first since I no longer had an equal partner in my marriage. That night, I sat her down and said essentially, since you will not get him out of OUR relationship, I am getting out of YOUR relationship and wished her well, and then withdrew the benefits of being in a relationship with me. No more heart to hearts, no more best friend like discussions or advice, no more parent advice. Money and kids -- that was all. I was never mean. I drew up a separation agreement and gave it to her for her input. I saw an attorney and started doing research on how to divorce, and encouraged her to do the same. She then got really depressed and hit rock bottom. Then and only then we started to fix the mess her affair had left on her life and withing our marriage.

LoveLilacs, you have to be willing to walk away from him to have any hope to improve things, and he needs to undeniably see this via your actions and your words, not just your words.

goingtobeok: I plan to take that route as soon as I get a few things in place (I don't work at the moment)...so you stayed in the same home with her, but just lived like roommates pretty much?

And thank you very much for sharing, too-it's very helpful.

I understand that you were planning to seperate, but had you yet, and how soon did she end the affair after you withdrew/told her you were going to seperate?

In my mind, I was acting like an ex-husband. We were both at the house, but part of the plan I drew up was to get an extended stay hotel, and in the plan was a schedule of who would stay where and when. That was really the most affordable route. After drawing up a separation agreement and consulting an attorney, anger started really bubbling up on her part. After all, I was no longer going along with her plan to keep me as her safe fall back while enabling her. As it got a ugly, I just stayed nice and consistent, so the ended up leaving for a family members. She called 7 days later and asked to come home and work in herself and the marriage. That started the road to recovery. I can't say for sure, but it seemed to happen really fast once I change strategies.

Thanks so much going. I really appreciate your help.

It can't and won't. If he's this tight about keeping everything to himself, you are just going to set yourself up for more pain and a marriage where he will just do whatever he wants and you will have no way of knowing anything. He's taking all the power and making you feel desperate for info or any sign he cares. He's sucking your life energy and he doesn't deserve you. If he respected you and your feelings he would commit to the process. He's not. I would leave. Best of luck! I'm in this stupid crap too and it sucks!