I asked EVERYTHING, and I asked in away he could not second guess what I wanted to know. I also asked the other women too...I did get more info from OW2. She bascially saved my husband's ass by what she told me, she flat out told me that she loved my husband but knew he would never leave me, knew her place. She put herself in a nice spot, huh? I'm just the type of person that needs it all in living color. Once I get it, it doesn't upset me, I am good and can move on to the next problem.

It goes back to, how well do you know yourself? Do you need to know EVERYTHING? Yes,it will be devastatingly painful and you will struggle with obsessing. And there will be triggers,things that remind you of the affair and set you off,all over again. On the other hand,when you have worked through it all,there should be no more secrets.

For myself,I had to know. Knowledge was power,I couldn't deal with secrets. I had to know the what,where and when! Oh yes,I sunk into the worst depression and was on medication. Some days I thought I lost my sanity. I cried every day for the first year. The anger is unbelieveable. For myself,it was good to be able to talk about it. My H saw how hurt I was and went to counseling,for 2 yrs.. That really saved us!

Just remember the whole affair relationship was based on lies. It was a created,make believe world of selfishness! They didn't ever see the real person! It's one big foggy fairytale!

Yes,emotionally it would be easier not knowing.. Are you good with that?

It's funny you used the word "fairytale". One of the things I said to H after he confessed his A was that what he was looking for was a fantasy. He was expecting this new perfect life, when it fact that "new" life would have had a ton of baggage, both from his life and from hers.

I'm not sure it is easier emotionally to not know everything. My mind is pretty amazing when it comes to making up scenerios. The truth can hardly be more painful.

lovingagain...it is so true,a fairytale! My H will admit to that,now!
Can your H see that?

I'm thinking with your last comment...My mind is amazing,making up scenerios. That in itself can be torture! LOL For you, maybe it is better to know?!?

Oh yes, once I put it into words, it was one of the things that pulled his head out of his a$$. Once he stepped back and looked at the reality of what he was doing and what he "thought" he wanted, he realized how much of a fantasy he had built up in his mind.

Looking realistically at what divorce, remarriage, step-kids, ex wifes & husbands, broken relationships with our own kids, grandkids...that was a huge wakeup call for him. Not that he left he because he was afraid of the changes, but he finally saw how stupid the whole thing was.

I had to know everything. It hurt. So be prepared ok?

I think it is a normal thing (even though different for everyone) to want to know. I think I would. My H wanted details about sex, conversations, plans, everything. It was very important for him to know and I actually think the reality was in some ways a little better than his imagination. For others the reality might be worse, but you have to listen without getting upset or you'll never hear the truth.

I wanted to know every dirty little detail... and because I had contacted the OW's husband he was able to fill me in on a lot of info. and gave me copies of some of their emails... this forced my husband to give even more detailed descriptions to me... and in my case the affair went on for years!!1 so a lot of stuff..although they did not 'get together' evry day or every week....sometimes months would go by before they had any contact...I actually had my husband write the approximate dates and what and where things happened...
I cried for over 1 and 1/2 years after d-day...the shock and grief was that intense.... but I think that because my husband was so....honest ..even about the most graphic details... it helped me to trust everything that he told me... the feeling was ...if he was willing to tell me about this...why would he lie about a card or a gift... the complete truth and honesty helped me to trust what he was saying about everything ...
but it was painful... I was in individual counseling for over 18 months..that helped...and meds for anxiety and depression too!

Thanks all. Your replies helped a lot.

I knew enough! He loved her, he $%^&ed her! He betrayed me. He lied to me. What else do I need to hear or ask? Nothing!

Well, we had an almost 2 hour discussion this morning. Tough, but not as tough as I thought it would be. Some of the stuff I found out actually makes me feel better about us because I know now that he felt terrible the entire time, and even she said she regretting ever getting involved because she knew it was wrong for her to damage another marriage.

We're going to spend the day together...not sure doing what, but just connecting a bit.

Mystery thoughts BE GONE!

I had to know everything and I mean everything. "Shaving" was not odd as a question, I got much more information even than that.

I think part of it for me was seeing him squirm at how difficult it was but STILL be honest with me. Somehow I felt like he helped to make the details mine that way and not hers. I wanted my mind to stop imagining and torturing myself with details that may or may not have happened. I found out everything and I did verify information with the OW too. This helped me because I felt more trust that he told me the truth and I felt more confident in what an immature idiot she is. Ultimately, it hurts so terribly bad to know the details, be ready. It is not something to think it just helps and makes anything better any time soon. Sometimes the pain of the details is unbearable, but I'd still ask it all again. I'd rather know it all.

I really do feel better about things now. My H is truly sorry, I can tell by his answers and reactions. "Shaving" was just an example of what I asked, because he recently suggested that I start shaving. If the OW had been a shaver, I would have stopped. Weird I know, but that's how I felt.

I only learned one thing that really hurt, he performed oral sex on her, and that hurts a lot. But, like most of the questions, I already knew the truth really. They also didn't "get together" as often as I imagined. Most of their meetings were lunches at a nearby park.

He feels so bad about the whole thing, our talk yesterday was so important. I feel like we can start moving forward again. We had a great day together, laughed a lot, it was good.

I felt the need to know everything...why? If I didn't ask I would only dream up worst case scenarios about her with him. It is poison to you. You know your partner was unfaithful, but did they do things that you felt were special between you? Did they say the same things they say to you? Did they tell the other how they compared to you? Which parts are now "tainted"?

All these questions and more seem like they are just gas for the fire that is killing you slowly. But my friends, without the facts, you will relive your partners A over and over in your head and concoct far worse things than what possibly happened.

If the two of you are to be completely honest with one another from here on out...start here. With everything out in the open there is nothing left to the imagination. And trust me, in my experience my imagination caused me more pain than hearing about the A itself. It also is a great way to discuss the issue. Face it, you will have to if you want to work through it.

Just be careful. most likely you will be hurt and angry during the talk. But in the long run it is so worth it.

Our talk was almost too calm. I think because I told him a couple of days beforehand, and I was able to be civil. He was actually more emotional than I was...he just feels terrible, and I could see it on his face. Not just guilt, but remorse for the pain he has brought to our marriage.

One of my questions was if he took his wedding ring off. He never did, and said it bothered the OW. He said leaving it on kept him thinking about how wrong the whole thing was. I have to say, getting all those answers was good for both of us. It was a real turning point.

The letter that was posted here on another thread really helped him see my point of view. It was from a book, written from a husband to his unfaithful wife. I let him read the letter the day before our conversation, and he said it really helped him see why I needed all those answers. I'll have to find the thread it was in...it talked about the missing pieces of the puzzle and how they torment the betrayed partner.