Rebuilding Marriage After Infidelity Community Group
A community for those who have been through the heartbreak of infidelity and decided to stay with their partner and try to re-build the relationship.
A RANT!
dday was dec 19 , 2014..... WW 8 affairs within 15 months
During our evening talk Friday, FWW said that one of the things she got from the affairs was "having expectations met"
She'd search, find ,plan, hookup
Expectations were met
She also said that the one thing all those guys had was;
Energy
She says that because I've been so exhausted lately
I told her
Living w the past is exhausting
And living in the present w her these last 20 months is exhausting
and living the last 6 months w here is especially exhausting as she is melting down emotionally, mentally and physically , once i started to get stronger after the first year post dday
It still seems to me that she is still blame shifting
she said their energy wasn't just f**king , she said they (the 8 APs) were energetic people
Wtf????
Seriously
How can anyone say that
They used her as a cum dumpster
I'd wager the rest of their time
They clogged the tolietlike everyone else
the EXPECTATIONS things came as a reaction to me being out 3 evenings last week which is incredibly rare
MON in went to an Sanon mtg because I wanted to talk to people who have gone thru a similar ordeal
She asked me why I wanted to go.?
Wtf. Why do you think i want to go?????
I had to been to one since feb
I told her cause I want to do something just for self
out wed for a church mtg, and out thu for a concert
I was dead fri
I got home and said I'm going to shut my eyes for 15 min
she isn't working now, but she's always exhausted and sleeps a lot...
She said
"If you're going to do that then just go to bed"
I thought wtf --- Do you grasp how exhautsing this is to live with
So I stay up
But fall asleep on couch after dinner
After kids are down
she starts in about how her expectations weren't meant since I fell asleep
And how her expectations were always met during the affairs
I told her that was a crazy f**king thing to say since the only expectation those guys has had was a blowjob and a f*ck
Then she says that all those guys had energy
Wow
Why don't you just shoot me ??
Energy
To run out to f*ck some sure thing chick
Of course they did
Wtf
The whole evening pissed me off
a Few months ago I asked her if she missed anything from the men
She said
She "missed being appreciated and missed having someone who was happy and excited to see her"
That's really f*cked up
she said that because she says I don't seem happy to see her, or she doesn't feel appreciated by me....or our kids.....
WOW..... like i feel appreciated by her....after she had 8 affairs in 15 months!
Thoughts like that
Are not reasonable
Her gripe is
"Why can't I see how far she's come and changed
Why do I need to vent on forums here and there
Why don't I believe she's changed"
It's always
"Why can't my husband....why isn't my husband...?"
It's never
"Why did I..."
Even other cheater wives from forums tell her she's I the wrong path and Approach
But from her mind
I'm the one who doesn't get "it"
END RANT
Quite the opposite of marriage. The goals are long term and need to have sustainability. If any of her 8 fuck buddies had sustainability, she would be with them.
She needs to pull up her big girl panties and decide whether she wants to be in a marriage or not.
Being a mom is hard I know that. Being a wife is hard too. Stay at home wife/mom is one of the most thankless jobs sometimes. It can deplete ones soul if they don't figure out how to balance being
1. Mom
2. Wife
3. Self (self is sometimes first, sometimes second but always there)
she's been "doing the work"....but I'm not sure its been the "right work"
she quit SA mtgs within a month, after her IC and MC said that she wasn't a sex addict since she doesn't fit the specific profile.... still trying to wrap my head around that...
her "work" was
taking care of me in the shock of DDay for the first year
and now, during the 2nd year , digging to see why she made the choices to cheat multiple times
on the surface it sounds and looks good, but her WHYS are all stuff like
1. her childhood
2. foo
3. the way her parents raised her
4 being bullied
5. social isolation
6 not having social peers that she could model appropriate behavior from
7. living in a cycle of shame since childhood ( this is her big one...shame led to her choosing affairs as a coping mechanism, but each affair increased her shame, so she moved on to a new AP as her "drug of escape" ..etc..
8. press and stress of not able to get pregnant naturally...and ivy
9 having twins
10 stay at home w kids
11 taking care of kids all day
12 our growing disconnect before the affairs, after kids were born
13. living like roommates
14 having sex 5 times in five years after kids were born before affairs
15 having IUD for 5 years and having it removed the day before kids started all day kindergarten, so she didn't have these hormones in her body making her agitated and killing her libido and ow has time to herself.....freedo
16 having a toxic friend who was a serial cheater and encouraged my wife all the way thru all the affairs
16 the addictive nature of fantasy and escape and the dopamine hit
17 being diagnosed w ADHD 6 months after dday, and realizing untreated/undiagnosed ADHD allowed her to not have impulse control all those years
18 dealing w a daughter who has diagnosed w adhd at 6
19 gastrointestinal issues
20 insomnia
21 anxiety
22 accepting that she suffers and has suffered from untreated and undiagnosed depression and anxiety
on and on
she's been digging ...alot....really trying to figure out what happened....why it happened...why she made the choices...what mistakes she made in life prior.... a true self inventory
the latest is PYROLAURIA
before pyrolauria it was depression
before depression it was anxiety
before anxiety it was the mthfr gene mutation
before the mthfr gene mutation it was SIBO..
.before SIBO it was Candida,
before Candida it was..hell, if forgot what is was before Candida...oh year...it was lack of progesterone ....
before lack of progesterone it was something else.....
---adhd
before adhd it was perimenopause
when she went to see a doc about bioidentical hormone therapy in and was convinced the solution was progesterone, the doc recommended testosterone, not progesterone....
when she went for test for candida for naturopath and was certain is was candida, the test came back negative, but they found SIBO,
when she started changing diet and taking antibiotics for SIBO she got more off the rails,...so she stopped the antibiotic without talking to her ND
its like its never ending...
I've asked her to lay off web diagnosing but she gets pretty obsessed about this ....
is this all part of the recovery for her or is this indicative of something else?
from her point of view...she is "doing the work" but i am stubborn, hurt and do not give her credit for the work she has done, and don't accept that she has changed.
talk about Sisyphus!!!
I like Indigo Girls lyrics here:
"Now I know a refuge never grows
From a chin in a hand in a thoughtful pose
Gotta tend the earth if you want a rose."
how does she make that change?
how did you make it?
for her, its all an inventory of WHY's ....
and her being upset with me because I don't see the "change" in her
its like she is never focusing on HER...she focuses on stuff in the past, and focuses on me not having the same point of view she does....but she , in my opinion, is missing the biggest piece of the puzzle....and that is simply...HER
Maybe its time she accepts that all of her life's history contributes to her actions both good and bad.
Once we understand the possible causes, it's our job to fix what we believe to be broken.
ended up having a MC session THU afternoon. Wife wrote me a 3 page letter itemizing everything she NEEDS from me
, i didn’t contribute to the MC session until the end, when i asked “how did this all become about me now?? ...why is it all what WW needs from ME or needs ME to stop doing or need ME to start doing” ...and on the way back to office i started thinking about what do i need from her, and i thought “i don’t need ANYTHING from HER”.
so i come home from office, do homework w kids, keep calm, don’t interact w W much, put kids to bed, and we head out to porch for nightly ritual of smokes and drinks...and she says
“ she now knows that she still has to support ME, no matter what hell she is going thru herself, and she realizes that she has been focused on herself these last few weeks, and realizes that i am unable to support her” ....
shocked, i ask her “who told you to say that? ...did you read something online...did our MC put you up to this...whats up w this sudden change and 180 ? .....
she says no one put her up to it, she just came to that conclusion after the MC session,,,
so she talks more...
.i reply that i am unable to support her at all at this point and that i have lost site of trying to take care of myself in leiu if trying to be supportive of her, and that in my opinion , as long as keep my mouth shut, she is happy, but as soon as i say something that she doest agree w , its all over.
i also pointed out and asked her posting on one of the Infidelity forums that we both post to...i asked, "why, since i keep everything in, for the last few weeks, so i turn to the forums to vent, and she not only replies to my post , but defends her self against what i post..i asked why would you do that? and i told her that she gets so focused on defending herself and being right, she shut ends up discounting everybody else opinion
she said she replied because she was mad ...i said no kidding...
and she said she replied to people calling her out because their replies made her mad....
i said again NO kidding..
i said "i don't think you can help yourself...your default is defensiveness...and it always has been....and it still is...and that is ONE of the reasons why, even though you tell me that you have changed, i don't see any change
i said, i have four questions for you
1. why the hell would you have ever told me fri, after i was tired, that those men always met your expectations and that they had energy... how could you not realize what a destructive and hurtful thing that was to say to me, after telling me how i didn't meet your expectations fri evening after coming home from work and fell asleep after dinner...
how could you not see that my reaction would be that you are comparing me to them, ..
what is it inside of you, that prevents you from having some type of censor before you say shit
and further...how can you even look back on that, and say they met your expectations and had energy..and when i asked you about a few days ago...you defend your position...and say "well it wasn't just just energy to f*ck, they were energetic people and had energetic lives and jobs and ran marathons...i said "did it ever occur to you that they lied to you...in order to f*ck you????"
did it ever occur to you that when you told me that thing you missed from them was being appreciated and having someone excited to see you...that it wasn't YOU they were excited to see...it was your vagina...it wasn't you they appreciated....it was getting off , that they appreciated...you didn't matter to them..... they didn't care about you
2.asked about her defensiveness to the forum replies... and why would she feel the need to reply and defend herself in my post
3. asked her about "the cycle of shame" ...and told her i think its all a bunch of horseshoe, since after her litany of medical ailments and reasons and whys , she now believes that the "the cycle of shame" is what allowed her to start the affairs, and keep doing them for over a year
4. told her that i still believe she is blameshifing...w her childhood, parents, and now the cycle of shame
in tears she says "if you want me to go, i will ....if its got to that point" ....i said "i think about that all the time lately...."
she asked me if there is anything about her that i like
i hesitated, because the only thing that came to mind at that time time, wasn't very constructive...but she prodded...and finally i told her
"is there anything that you like about me now"
and i said
"yes. you are a great f*ck"
and then i got up, left and went to bed
I think it is key for everyone, especially former CS like me or like your wife, to understand that a spouse cannot be all things to us and is not responsible for our happiness. Thus, you will sometimes do something that disappoints her, and vice versa. That is life and that is marriage.
during the first year post Dday...i thought i was crazy...... it took me most of the 1st year to believe that i was NOT crazy...... and these last few weeks, I'm starting to wonder again....am I the crazy one????