the following thought crossed my mind the last two nights as my wife and I were enjoying our evening post kids routine.
when I think about the past..... its not the past of the affairs, nor is it the past of the initially year post dday,
the past that comes up, is the PAST BEFORE the affairs and infidelity.
its also not all focused on what my wife was doing, or not doing at that time, I focus more on what I was doing and not doing during that time...during the 3 years before the affairs started.
I think about how our relationship really was failing...how we allowed it to falter....and ignored it.... not because we wanted to...but we were new parents of twins....and those first few years of child raising were quite a challenge. I also had a serious of surgeries on my foot and was out of action multiple times for many months at a crack.
I don't accept blame for my wife's choices. they were hers, and hers alone.
but the thing that strikes me now a days, is , when I think about the condition of our relationship before the affairs, I really focus more on ME...what choices I made, what choices I didn't make, what things I focused on, what things I ignored.
I guess, its me really gaining clarity on owning my own sh1t.
my recovery wasn't all just focused on getting thru the fall out of my wifes choices, but my recovery was focused on me changing into a different person w a different mind set and thought process then that person I was years ago.
so when I think back to the past, I see myself then, as such a drastically and radically different person.
im not glad that I had to endure the pain and suffering, but I'm glad that I have made some very positive changes in my approach to living