dammit. 
triggered during sex......

had a wonderful day w kids and wife, and family time in the evening playing board games w kids and wife

unwound after kids went to bed w a drink and smoke 
and topped off the day with (TMI) amazing eyes roll back in your head sex

for me, sex is like an emotional reset. its like the feeling of jumping into a cool pool of water, and coming out refreshed and balanced and calm. its like washing away the dust of the day.

aside from the obvious excitable condition of arousal, I feel peaceful , calm, accepted, loved, attractive, sensuous ... its also such a time to get out of ones head and to exist in the NOW...in the moment

the connection I feel with my wife....for me is the most intimate aspect of sex, not just the actual intercourse, its everything leading up to intercourse and everything post intercourse that really move to a different state of consciousness

but near the end...right as the crescendo was gearing up to mezzo forte :-), I had this thought 

"I bet this is how it was for her with those men.....the sex they had, they just skipped the connection , and went straight to this state of pure animalistic fucking" .....

dammit

my wife could immediately tell something was going on..... as I felt myself tense up (and not in a fun way). I actually had to stop and do breathing exercises to try to not fall deeper into those thoughts.

my wife asked what was wrong.... and I told her....she just held me tight and said "it's ok. it's alright now, you're ok"

I asked her if that's how it was w those men. She said , "I don't honestly remember how the sex went anymore. maybe it was . I don't know anymore"

it finally passed....it was probably no longer then a minute or 2, but it felt like an hour

damn.

I had thought, I was finally past stuff like this at 27 months post Dday

one big difference though, is when a trigger like that happens, it passes a lot quicker then before. 
I can accept I had the thought, but I can move past it..... 2 years ago.... that would have stopped me dead in my tracks, and I wouldn't have been able to recover from it for some time.

so, I have grown...I have become stronger...... but dammit....... I really thought , that type of crap was behind me.