today is a loaded day of me.

DEC 19th

Today is exactly 2 years since I found the smoking gun on my FWWs cellphone (a photo of her activity the evening before)

wasn't sure how i'd be this year.

last year, the closer it got to Dday, the further down the rabbit hole i fell.

but this year...its different.

im different

it hurts...but it doesn't hurt as bad

its still there in my mind, but not as frequent and dissipates quicker than it used to

a few days ago, i realized, it is feeling far away....again

and i remembered that over the last 2 years...there was a point i was able to get, when it did started to feel far away.

i remember in the first few months, it was all around me....it was like walking thru water...or thick fog...i was swimming in it...no, i was drowning in it.

after lots of therapy....and some time.... it started to feel like it had a bit of distance....i remember feeling that i wasn't swimming in it any longer, but that i was on a plain, surrounded by mountains, and i could see an army on the mountain tops....far off in the distance.... i could see them...but they were very far away..... thats how it felt at one point over the last 24 months.

but in the last few months, i had fallen back into the quicksand.... ruminating...obsessing.... checking email.... texts..... gps....    in short,  life had once again become unmanageable  

but over the last few weeks... I've been working on walking a different path.

I've been asking myself about forgiveness...something that i at first believed was never going to be an option....i asked myself "how do you forgive the unforgivable?"

and I realized,  I'm drowning again, because i'm holding onto the anger and resentment.... I'm poising myself....and i knew , i had to decide to let it go....to decide to forgive...but i didnt know how to do that.

i wasn't even sure i was capable.....

now....i know, that it is a decision that i could choose. it is within me...it is within my power....

and i no longer choose to allow the past to rule my present.

i renounce the past and its hold and power over me

i take back my life

i take back my power

i posses the strength to forgive it i choose to do so

i possess the self worth to drop the glass filled with poison that i keep going back to

its 2 years..... 2 years since i woke up early, to search my wife phone while she was in the shower...2 years since i found the photos.... of her in a shirt that didnt belong to her, or to me, and laying on sheets that didnt belong to us....

its 2 years since my life changed....drastically

its 2 years.....

its 2 years later

and

I'm going to be ok

with her, or without her....

I'm going to be ok