Long story!                                       I love music and it’s my bestfriend. But the question is why? When I blast music through my ear drums I can drown out my inner thoughts and I don’t have to think about things I don’t want to think about. The things I don’t wanna think about are horrific and I blame myself for what happened. There are three things that I need to talk about. To start off it was one of my nieces birthday and she had a party I was about 10 maybe I don’t really remember. Her brother is about 5 years older than me  and there was a park across the street. He took me to the park and there was the tunnel thing and he took me in there and did horrific things to me. Till this day I don’t know why me. I don’t want my family to get mad at my nieces mom or her because of what her brother did. (My brother is my nieces dad) another thing that happened was one day I was at my aunts house and I was much younger and this time was worse but it was with my aunts son. I remember this like it was yesterday. He is about 12 years older then me. This day My aunt was ironing clothes and he called my name so of course I came into his room and he told me to close the door. He had a big bed or so it seemed to me because I was little at the time and he was a big guy and he just took what could never be given back to me. I use to be and still am really shy so of course they knew I wouldn’t tell anybody. I don’t talk at all. I’m always the quiet one. I’m the one who just stands back and observes everything. I love my aunty to death. She’s my favorite and I don’t blame her and I don’t want anybody else to blame her either and that’s what I’m afraid of. My sister recently through a party and he was there and it was the first time I saw him since you know. And I cried and had a panic attack but I tried to act normal and I danced with my sister and her daughter because it was a cancer free party and he danced on me and I was so disgusted.You might ask how does a mother not know when something like that happens. It starts off with I’m fine. Nothings wrong. I’m okay. Both of these people were family, and your suppose to trust family wouldn’t do these things. The last thing is the day my dad got into the accident where he died two weeks later in the hospital; I heard him call me. It was maybe 6 in the morning and he always wanted me to put on his sock for him or put grease on his legs where he couldn’t reach but I just turned over and ignored him because I was tired, even though I had to get up in a hour for school. I always think what if I would have got up maybe something would have changed and I know I can’t change the past but I was lazy and didn’t get up and it hurts that I can wake up every morning and he can’t because I didn’t get up. He always wanted me to do something and I would hate that. Like fix him a pork chop or fix him some ice water or scratch his back. But now I wish I cloud do that more then anything. I cried because I couldn’t remember if he called me boo boo or not which was a nickname he gave me. I have a fear of forgetting him. I remember we use to watch tv together. Baggage was my favorite although I probably shouldn’t have been watching it. Also catfish that’s why I’m obsessed with it now. And I HATED watching Christmas movies because we watched the same ones every year ALL DAY but now I just want to watch them with him. Me and my twin brothers birthday was coming up in a few months before he was killed and we haven’t even had a normal birthday since and we were only 13. Some of you may not know but my dad was driving to Milwaukee and a man fell asleep and crossed the intersection and hit my dad but walked out with minor injuries but my dad was the opposite. Although the man had multiple tickets for speeding it’s “not” a crime and I bet you can guess why. While we’re at it I guess I’ll just tell you some more about my life. Like EVERY SINGLE GRADE of school I’ve been bullied. You think I wouldn’t be able to remember all the way back but it’s true. My family think if someone talks about me or hits me I should do the same but I don’t I just kill em with kindness and it makes them more mad (bullies) Gandhi and I have the same birthday. He like my spirt animal. I’ve had Dodgeballs thrown at me by my whole class. I’ve had rocks thrown at me by two whole classes. I’ve been mocked and tortured my whole life. I was questioned and questioned by the police when my supposedly friend got her name written in chocolate that said she was a bi*ch and and sl*t. And we were together when we both seen it but she followed the crew and said it was me. The police said if I didn’t confess I would go to jail . Mind you I was in like 6th or 7 th grade. Later that day or week she told another girl that she wished I die and die fast and I asked her if she said that she said it again to my face. I had ALL my classes with My number one bully and it was horrible but some how I got through it. At my old school I played softball and our jersey number got bigger as your size so I was the biggest number. It was game day and the girls on my team asked me why my number was so big but they knew exactly why and they laughed and mocked me. I just cried. I’ve been pushed and kicked. I’ve been called all kinds of names. I swear to you I’ve been nothing but nice. If anything a pushover. But That’s why I never judge anybody and never talk about anybody. Cause you’ll never know their WHOLE story. This is my story. I’m now 17 and thought it’s time. I don’t like sharing my business but maybe it’s worth it. I told my ex, we dated for a year and some months. We were fighting and she said “that’s why nobody will want you after they figure out what happened to you when you were younger”. I’ve just been so distracted lately, just had to get this off my mind.