Theres no easy fix.....takes a lot of time. It gets easier though

The only reason I have ever been able to come up with when it comes to me blaming myself is: As I look back, each time, there was always a very very slight window open for me to change my mind at doing something that "eventually" led up to being raped. And i didnt listen to that still small voice of warning. And the reason was, I was too afraid to do what the still small voice said, which in return, would have prevented the rapes from ever happening, (except for when I was a year old). So for me it's not blaming myself for what the guy did. it's blaming me for what I didnt do. I'm going thru that right now. I should have never let my next door neighbor in my apartment last Friday. I should have never done it, and even though I had just a very slight thought to not do it, It was still at least a thought, to choose to let him in or not. My stomach is still churning from what happened to me Friday. And I keep being told, "it's not your fault". But for me that just does not make sense. And i dont know if I'll ever be able to stop blaming myself for it happening at all. I keep thinking, "if only I didnt let him in my apartment".

I struggled with that too. I had a bad feeling about the guy coming over, but I ignored it. I did beg and plead like you to no avail. And like you, I was afraid if I really fought that he'd hurt me more. It's the lesser of two evils...being raped or being beaten and raped. Neither are good, but at the time, I knew those were my only options.

As for letting him come over to begin with, or just choosing to be with him alone, well, we do that all the time with people, don't we? And nothing bad happens. That's what makes it their fault. They chose to do something wrong, not us. Choosing to be alone with people isn't necessarily a bad choice.

A lot of it may have to do with your mom's ignorance. You can't go back and change things. Even if you could that doesn't mean you would not have been raped. A lot of survivors freeze during rape and really have a rough time with it. The only person to blame is the offender. If he wasn't a rapist then it wouldn't have happened. The fault and blame lies on him and him only. I blamed my self too. I should not have gone and taken my sleep medication after a night out with him drinking. But my brain was too impaired by the alcohol to know any better. I don't blame myself any more. Many years of therapy have helped me to realize it.
Your therapist sounds a little sick in the head to tell you that you should have processed the first one. Sometimes people don't even know if its rape or not so they don't seek treatment. I had to do the therapist shuffle until I found the right match.
I'm so sorry your struggling with this. I'm here for you!