Rape Support Group
If you or someone you know has been the victim of rape, this is the place to find support and get advice. If you want, discuss your experience, share your feelings, and meet others going through a similar situation.
I cut the other day, a lot.
But I had my reasons. I was alone. No one would listen to me when I told them how bad I was doing. No one believed me when I said there was something deep dark inside me. Something bad that I could feel creeping under my skin. Something that needed to be cut out, Instead of listening to me they just said that I am not a bad person and they could not see what I was talking about, but it is right there and I can feel it.
I feel like slut has crawled inside me and is living in me. I feel her lingering over my heart. Like the only way I could get rid of her is to stab right into my heart and kill her. And me.
These people, they say they are my friends, but there is nobody there. When I feel myself fall to the floor with darkness and tears, I am alone. There is no one for me. No one loves me. They say, he didn't hurt me because I am bad but because he is sick. But I was broken as a child. A man who should have been loving me, LOVED me just a little too much. Told me he needed to teach me how to please a man. Then after the rape a man beat me, emotional abused me. There is something wrong with me. A tattoo on my forehead.
I sit twisting my hands wondering what to do. I rub my hands up and down my arms wondering how to get the black dead thing out of me. I cry and beg for some one to love me and help me. But it is bad, I am alone and no one loves me.
I have therapy tomorrow. I don't know what to say. If I say the wrong thing she could dump me or send me for inpatient therapy. I've done that and I am not doing it again. I wonder if I could slip away in my sleep.
But I had my reasons. I was alone. No one would listen to me when I told them how bad I was doing. No one believed me when I said there was something deep dark inside me. Something bad that I could feel creeping under my skin. Something that needed to be cut out, Instead of listening to me they just said that I am not a bad person and they could not see what I was talking about, but it is right there and I can feel it.
I feel like slut has crawled inside me and is living in me. I feel her lingering over my heart. Like the only way I could get rid of her is to stab right into my heart and kill her. And me.
These people, they say they are my friends, but there is nobody there. When I feel myself fall to the floor with darkness and tears, I am alone. There is no one for me. No one loves me. They say, he didn't hurt me because I am bad but because he is sick. But I was broken as a child. A man who should have been loving me, LOVED me just a little too much. Told me he needed to teach me how to please a man. Then after the rape a man beat me, emotional abused me. There is something wrong with me. A tattoo on my forehead.
I sit twisting my hands wondering what to do. I rub my hands up and down my arms wondering how to get the black dead thing out of me. I cry and beg for some one to love me and help me. But it is bad, I am alone and no one loves me.
I have therapy tomorrow. I don't know what to say. If I say the wrong thing she could dump me or send me for inpatient therapy. I've done that and I am not doing it again. I wonder if I could slip away in my sleep.
God bless you, please take care of yourself.
As Katscan says, you so much need love and acceptance, need to be heard. I can't say how your therapist will respond, and they'll be seeing you as a whole person not just a single posting, but if a client expressed what you have just expressed, and in such an eloquent form, I'd have no thoughts at all that they should be "dumped" or sent elsewhere.
As others have said in your past, you're not "bad" and it wasn't your fault. I do understand that it feels like a slut has crawled inside you, a deep dark place that's terrifying, You're not going mad. Just hurting and frightened of what's inside.
Good luck in therapy.