so sorry that they haven't gotten you the help you need. There should be a victim services that can help you with counseling. check out your county

I'm so sorry this happened to you and I'm so glad you posted here. All I can say is that I totally believe you and accept you just as you are.

Do consider counselling. It might make a massive difference and you don't need to tell the whole story to begin with - just as much as you feel safe to.

And btw No you don't want to get sold into sexual slavery. It's no place to be. I almost ended up there accidently when an ex boyfriend "sold" me to a couple drug dealers. I had no idea at the time because I was so high on crack. When we pulled up in front of a motel I suddenly opened the car door and just walked away. I'm so glad they didn't come after me and drag me back to the motel. I left back home to my moms the next day. This was in LA.

I have had wonderful therapists but I just don't even try to open up anymore because the fear is just too great.

I feel like I am helpless, hopeless.

and no, the scary thing is that this is how much I don't care about myself, is that I actually do not care if I were to be sold... I feel like I am worthless here, that I am not worth anything. I am damaged and only a vessel for pain and guilt and self hatred.

You were a kid.

You were not to blame. I understand that dirty feeling really well, but you were not to blame.

You have opened up here. It's a start.

I wonder if you could write to your therapist? May help not to have to express it verbally.

no. I can't open up to my therapist. or else I already would have done that and wouldn't have posted on this anonymous website. sorry to be so blatant and honest, but c'mon, I just am on a last thread before going over the deep end. I'm scared I really will destroy myself.

When I read your post, it sounded just like something I would say and how I fell. "I actually feel like I only deserve to be raped for the rest of my life, or worse, to be sold into sex slavery."
I can't tell you how many times I have said to myself and to others that no matter what I do, I will always be sexual abused and that I might as well just accept it and come to terms with everything and accept that no matter what, I will always be targeted. I don't want to think like that, but at this point, it only feels like my only option. Even after going to court (which was recent), I was raped again a few weeks later. It was at that point that I told myself "There is nothing else I can do to prevent the abuse from happening. I go to court thinking that my life will start turning around, only to find myself getting jumped and then fucked by an older guy."
I've only brought up that I was raped when I was younger to my therapist but I wasn't getting the help I was expecting and not being validated. So I understand how you feel in some ways.
I am still trying to just figure out what the hell it is Im supposed to do. So don't feel like your alone because your not.

-Mac

Yeah mine got let off with community service too. It's complete bullshit. Have you ever done CBT in therapy? I have heard that can help with hating yourself and things..

I know exactly how you feel. I was raped about 25 years ago, and to this day there are times when I feel I deserve to be raped again, I fantasize about being tied down, whipped, and raped again. Sad part is I find that comforting.

I'm not going to lie and tell you it gets easier, because it doesn't, the episodes just get farther apart. It's doable, you get where you can live with yourself, you stop blaming yourself, but you have to take control.

When the thoughts hit, make yourself believe that it was his fault not yours, it's the only way things get better.

I'm not going to tell you how you should feel or anything because it's hard to be where you are right now. All I am going to say is. I know you don't know me but if you want someone to talk to. Message me.
You want someone to just listen to you, without judgment, message me.
We all just need someone to listen, fully listen to how we feel and what we say without passing judgment.
I too am and was in your spot. So if you want you can message me. It's tough and know you are not alone.

I am also going through something similar. I feel like wanting to have sex is a bad thing now, but I know that it's not. You should know that whatever happened should definitely not happen again. Even if it does somehow happen again, it still won't be your fault. People think rape is some kind of myth, but it's not, it happens, and it ruins lives. I understand what you're going through in many ways and I wish you the best in getting help. Learn to love yourself, your past does not and will not define you.