I was 22.  Just broke up with a controlling verbal abusive man that I lived with.  I had just gotten my first apartment living alone. I went out one night, enjoying my new freedom.  I went out alone.  I talked to who i wanted when i wanted where o wanted for the first time in my adult life.  At one bar i was familiar with, me and another person i knew there went downtown to a club.  We had lost one another there, and I was with out a ride home.  This was 18 years ago, no cell phones.  I was drunk, outside chatting with other people after the club closed.  I said 'who wants to give me a ride home?' Of course many guys piped up and said they would.  I still cant believe i did that.  I ended up going with this quiet guy and his friend because they seemed harmless.  Once we passed my exit, I told them they passed it.  They didnt say anything.  I was in the back seat so i said it louder in case they didnt hear me. No reply.  I then said 'will you guys please drop me off'.  And one guy said as he laughed "oh.....we have other plans for you".  My insides sank.  What situation did i put myself in. My mind raced on what to do.  They took me to thier house, and i remember just being afraid they were gon a kill me.  They one guy told me to do things to his shyer friend.  Ordered me to do do this or that while he watched.  I didnt say NO, I just did what they said in hopes i wouldnt get hurt.  I then woke up in the more aggressive guys bed in the morning, instantly going WTF, went to the bathroom. Threw up a ton.  And worried about what was next.  Luckily, the guy got dressed said he had to go to work and he'll give me a ride to the first bar I left my car at.  Thank god he did.  He barely stopped to let me out and didnt say a word.  I never told a soul about it, because I thought it was my fault for putting myself in that situation.  I thought 'when someone asks who wants to give me a ride home, of course a guy will think she means sex'.  I wasnt even sure if it was rape.  I burried it deep.  And here i am at thr age of 39, severe anxiety, can barely leave the house.  Its slowly progressed over the years.  Started therapy in Sept.  And last week something just made me blurt out what happened that night to my boyfriend. I have been in tears all week, anxiety through the roof, afraid to leave the house.  When i first talked to my therapist in sept about when my anxiety started, i said and honestly thought it was just 7 years ago started with test anxiety.  Yesterday i remembered that it actually started soon after that might when i was 22.  I just...forgot...or thought it was something else causing those symptoms at that time...hell i honestly dont know how i didnt put it together.  So, tuesday i meet with my therapist. And i will tell her about all this.  I guess a part of me still feels like it wasnt rape, cuz i didnt fight. If i was raped, how was i able to bury it and carry on fairly normal for another 8 years before I started to 'unravel'?