Rape Support Group
If you or someone you know has been the victim of rape, this is the place to find support and get advice. If you want, discuss your experience, share your feelings, and meet others going through a similar situation.
I've been seeing a therapist for about a month and we're at a stage in CBT where he's asked me to try and write a letter to my rapist. It's been six years. My therapist has left it up to me whether I want to send it or not. It's just something I'll share with him in therapy this Thursday. To be perfectly honest I'm still not sure what to add or edit but I wanted to share what I have so far.
If anyone has any advice and input I'd be more than glad to hear it.
~*~*~*~*~*
Laura,
I have no idea where to begin. Ive gone back and forth about writing this at all, even just for therapeutic purposes. However, I want you to know that I know what you did to me. Im sure youre unaware of how severely you altered my life and I think that you deserve to know.
Whether or not anyone else knows, whether or not you are convicted for what you did, you and I both know what you are; a predator, a rapist, and a vile excuse for a human being.
As I think back on when I'd decided to go out to that nightclub with you and your girlfriend that New Years Eve when I was nineteen years old I would describe myself as naive and trusting. In putting my trust in you I'd felt assured that I would return home with fun memories and a hangover I could cure with a nap and a large serve of chips from Chicken Treat.
It has taken me six years and a little over half dozen therapy sessions of reconstructing my memories ad nauseam to get where I am right now. In six years I have avoided the notion of discussing what you did with another person and so I've never been urged by anyone else to even begin to formulate a whole sentence describing it, let alone attempt to do so in lurid detail. Even with the progress I have made so far the thought of writing a letter to you is a daunting thing.
But in saying that I want you to know how much you have dragged me down over the years. In my mind back then, I'd thought that the three of us went out on NYE as friends. Through what I'd felt at the time was harmless conversation at first, I had explained that I didn't have a lot of experience with women - a point I had made clear at the club - I didn't see the signs of you feeling any desire for me, and nor I for you. Especially since you were in a relationship with your partner.
There has been a scathing part of me, one that has been predominant over the last few years who had convinced me that I was the disgusting one. That I should have known better with hindsight. Hindsight is 20/20. If I had the oppertunity to change things, I would. But I cant change things outright, I can only change my outlook now.
Because of you, I do not think I will never feel love the way I have been told it is meant to be felt. I will never let another woman who truly loves me, in. I will never be able to have sex without feeling scared, or vulnverable, or hurt. You took my virginity. You took that first time from me. The words no, stop, "I need to go home", "I want to sleep", and youre hurting me didn't even bother you. It was as though your every last thought was just sex and you were on a mission to get it, well, you got it. You stole it from me. How does that make you feel?
I want you to know that I am a fighter, I am a survivor. By raping me, you skewered my entire sense of self worth. You made me feel disgusting, and used, and your manipulation made me feel stupid. You put a teenaged girl in a possition where she was unable to consent. You broke me down, and you've caused damage that has followed me around for years. But it stops here, and I will not let you drag my down anymore.
When I'd finally gotten home I had snubbed my parents for favor of going straight to my room and trying to sleep for as long as I could before I had to get up for work. When I did wake up what felt like a mere few minutes later, a shower was the first thing that came to mind.
Waking up hurt. Getting out of bed hurt. Walking hurt. Showering hurt. My back had set up a churning ache that no amount of deep heat could cure that day. The same would go for my genitalia and my nipples; walking would hurt for days. I can almost feel the heat behind my eyes when I remember how much it hurt to scrub at my face, forcing myself to stay awake.
Over the years I have taught myself to shut down emotionally. But to my loved ones credit, they have ralied around me and that is as an immense relief given how much time has elapsed as much as it still terrifies me knowing there are still people I care about who should know why I have nightmares every night and why I cannot bear to be touched. Our support network, though small, will understand that the reason I waited so long was my way of processing what happened.
I think I had been in denial that someone I knew, and trusted could violate me in some way. But you did.
...This is where I get stuck. Do I add more? Should I? From others who have been through experiences such as my own, I would really value your opinion.
If anyone has any advice and input I'd be more than glad to hear it.
~*~*~*~*~*
Laura,
I have no idea where to begin. Ive gone back and forth about writing this at all, even just for therapeutic purposes. However, I want you to know that I know what you did to me. Im sure youre unaware of how severely you altered my life and I think that you deserve to know.
Whether or not anyone else knows, whether or not you are convicted for what you did, you and I both know what you are; a predator, a rapist, and a vile excuse for a human being.
As I think back on when I'd decided to go out to that nightclub with you and your girlfriend that New Years Eve when I was nineteen years old I would describe myself as naive and trusting. In putting my trust in you I'd felt assured that I would return home with fun memories and a hangover I could cure with a nap and a large serve of chips from Chicken Treat.
It has taken me six years and a little over half dozen therapy sessions of reconstructing my memories ad nauseam to get where I am right now. In six years I have avoided the notion of discussing what you did with another person and so I've never been urged by anyone else to even begin to formulate a whole sentence describing it, let alone attempt to do so in lurid detail. Even with the progress I have made so far the thought of writing a letter to you is a daunting thing.
But in saying that I want you to know how much you have dragged me down over the years. In my mind back then, I'd thought that the three of us went out on NYE as friends. Through what I'd felt at the time was harmless conversation at first, I had explained that I didn't have a lot of experience with women - a point I had made clear at the club - I didn't see the signs of you feeling any desire for me, and nor I for you. Especially since you were in a relationship with your partner.
There has been a scathing part of me, one that has been predominant over the last few years who had convinced me that I was the disgusting one. That I should have known better with hindsight. Hindsight is 20/20. If I had the oppertunity to change things, I would. But I cant change things outright, I can only change my outlook now.
Because of you, I do not think I will never feel love the way I have been told it is meant to be felt. I will never let another woman who truly loves me, in. I will never be able to have sex without feeling scared, or vulnverable, or hurt. You took my virginity. You took that first time from me. The words no, stop, "I need to go home", "I want to sleep", and youre hurting me didn't even bother you. It was as though your every last thought was just sex and you were on a mission to get it, well, you got it. You stole it from me. How does that make you feel?
I want you to know that I am a fighter, I am a survivor. By raping me, you skewered my entire sense of self worth. You made me feel disgusting, and used, and your manipulation made me feel stupid. You put a teenaged girl in a possition where she was unable to consent. You broke me down, and you've caused damage that has followed me around for years. But it stops here, and I will not let you drag my down anymore.
When I'd finally gotten home I had snubbed my parents for favor of going straight to my room and trying to sleep for as long as I could before I had to get up for work. When I did wake up what felt like a mere few minutes later, a shower was the first thing that came to mind.
Waking up hurt. Getting out of bed hurt. Walking hurt. Showering hurt. My back had set up a churning ache that no amount of deep heat could cure that day. The same would go for my genitalia and my nipples; walking would hurt for days. I can almost feel the heat behind my eyes when I remember how much it hurt to scrub at my face, forcing myself to stay awake.
Over the years I have taught myself to shut down emotionally. But to my loved ones credit, they have ralied around me and that is as an immense relief given how much time has elapsed as much as it still terrifies me knowing there are still people I care about who should know why I have nightmares every night and why I cannot bear to be touched. Our support network, though small, will understand that the reason I waited so long was my way of processing what happened.
I think I had been in denial that someone I knew, and trusted could violate me in some way. But you did.
...This is where I get stuck. Do I add more? Should I? From others who have been through experiences such as my own, I would really value your opinion.
***SOFT*GENTLE*HUGGIES**ANGEL***
...`..
.......*G*O*D*.......
....*B*L*E*S*S*...
...`*.*Y*O*U*.*
.............`**