I've only recently started working through this trauma, which I successfully repressed for several years. I was in college and involved with my first boyfriend, who was waaaay too old for me. One of my earliest experiences with him was not good (he thought so, me - not so much). I was pressured into receiving oral sex, I don't really want to go into the details as to how that actually happened because I'm still in the "self blame" phase even though logically I know that I said "no" several times and I was essentially ignored. No means no, plain and simple. But I am still struggling with it, because I keep thinking I should have just gotten away.... or whatever. (Yet, I would never hold anyone else to that standard). Anyway, what happened- happened.

I don't think I've ever felt so devastated and hollow, not before or since. I remember telling him afterwards that I didn't want to participate, he got angry, left, later on I received a huge apology email (so classy). So I decided, well he apologized- I'll just stay with him. Boy, that was a bad idea! In the nearly 2 years thereafter, I recall at least two other incidents where I expressed that I didn't want to do something- and he pressured me into it. Each time, I told him afterwards I didn't want to do that act again- each time he listened but it was always a different act down the road. There was another time where he tried something without even asking, I expressed immediate discomfort- he didn't stop. The whole thing is just very confusing for me, even now, because in every other way- he was a "good" guy. He eventually broke up with me, but not before reducing our relationship to nothing but sex. I felt like a well-used snotty tissue at the end of it all.

Some days I validate my feelings, other days I feel like I'm making too big of a deal out of it... Prior to this relationship- I was already an anxiety sufferer. Frequently experiencing social anxiety, general anxiety, panic attacks, etc. After the relationship, I developed an even stronger fear of men and relationships (I was bullied as a kid by boys for several years, combative relationship with my dad, parents hated each other growing up and fought all the time in front of me- mom made me believe my dad was the villain- so men were already a little difficult for me to approach). After the incident, I developed sleep paralysis. SP is horrifying, btw. I still experience SP when I'm under extreme stress or having irregular sleep. Given my prior history with anxiety (since I was 6 years old), it's difficult now to know which of my reactions is triggered due to my previous relationship and which episodes might be triggered by my past history with generalized anxiety.

My first therapist had me tell her about the old relationship, I did. I felt so empowered! I divulged more details to a friend of mine the next day, who is a social worker. It felt so good to get that mess off my chest!!!!!!!!!! Then for three nights thereafter, I suffered the most intense SP I've ever had, multiple episodes each night. When I saw my therapist again I told her about the SP and asked her if she thought I should may be see a tauma specialist, I suspected my SP it came up because I was digging out all those repressed emotions and memories. Her response was pretty much burned into my brain, she asked me- "what happened to you again?" It was awful. I had to essentially remind her of the incident, which was already difficult enough for me to talk about the first time. Then- afterwards- she said to me that since I wasn't physically attacked, he wasn't otherwise abusive and my life was never really at risk- I didn't need to see a trauma specialist. She also asked me if I could just choose to stop having SP episodes. WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN?!!?!?!? Anyone who suffers from SP knows you can't "decide" when you're going to have an episode or not. It was awful, I was depressed for weeks. I didn't agree with her viewpoint, I think it was just on a subconscious level I felt violated almost a second time. I recounted my episode multiple times within a short period of time and then a professional basically went from telling me I had every right to feel the way that I felt, that it was normal, etc. to telling me that I was basically being a baby about it.

I found My new therapist, who is a trauma specialist, is great. She suggests we only revisit the episode if and when I feel that it's necessary to do so. She's currently working with me to deal with my other stress management techniques and other issues I have with people.

Now I'm in a very good relationship, with a really great guy. We definitely have our dark days and it is typically related to sex. When we first got together, I was somewhat ok. I think I was just riding the puppy dog high. I told him about my past in very brief detail. Later on, once we lived together and things got serious, sex became far more difficult for me. He asked me for details, I provided a few. He, being a guy, took the ignorant stance of "well... couldn't you just get away from him? I mean, he should have done what he did... but may be he thought you liked it-?" That was very upsetting but I wasn't too surprised by his response. I know it's a common response for people who are unfamiliar with rape/abuse. His inside is something I struggle with myself, again- why didn't I get away? Why did I stay with him? Why was I being so stupid? All that to say, if this happened to another person- I would never thing this way about another person's experience. I guess I'm just judging myself.

Fast forward to other times when my current boyfriend says that I don't seem interested in sex, I don't seduce very well, etc. I told him several times I get anxiety about it because I have no experience with what a healthy sexual relationship is supposed to be like. If this first relationship had been my second or third, I may not have these issues- but that's not the case. My ex basically initiated everything, I did very little "work" if I wanted to be intimate. (Again, it makes me want to vomit to consider that I chose to suppress all of our negative exchanges with a fake relationship). Current boyfriend told me I was just exaggerating, letting my anxiety run away with me, etc. Coming up with a complicated backstory instead of dealing with the real issue. Needless to say, we reached an impass that drove a wedge between us.

Fast forward to this weekend- which is when it finally clicked with him that this is a REAL problem for me (better late than never). That the emotions I told him I experienced were REAL. We had a lovely few days, yesterday I was finally successful in being seductive, etc. felt very confident and content. It was the first time, since puppy dog days, that I had almost no anxiety, no performance anxiety (at least , that's what I'm calling it), no crankieness or short-temper hours later. I was rested and relaxed. Then... I wake up the next morning and I was short tempered all day, which typically happens for me after sex. I have a lot of nervous ticks too, including compulsive face touching or picking (picking when under extreme stress- boyfriend doesn't know about this one- it's embarrassing so I don't discuss it). I was hanging out with my boyfriend and our mutual friend, also a male, all day. At bedtime last night, my boyfriend said he noticed that I was face touching all day, biting my nails, very quiet, obviously on edge, nervous, moody, I was exhausted, etc. He said he noticed these behaviors in the past but this was the first time that he finally put it together that I tend to get this way only after sex. He said that he realized I must have been really traumatized from my first relationship, on a primal level because while we were being intimate- I was fine. He observers these dark emotional reactions only after we are intimate. It was a really good feeling to be validated by the person you share a life with but it was also upsetting to me, to hear about all these ticks I was expressing all day- thinking I wasn't going to be noticed. To know that I was so obvious, so obviously in emotional turmoil. He and I talked some more about my therapy and things before bed, I felt like we connected on a level that we hadn't before. Then, I had nightmares all night about my ex (probably because my boyfriend and I talked about it, I told him the details of why I had left my first therapist). Today, I was totally exhausted and anxious but less "angry/paranoid(?)" than yesterday.

Does anyone else out there deal with this emotional roller coaster? Does anyone else feel torn between their emotions over their experiences? Do any of you still question whether or not you're making a "big deal" about your own experience? Any suggestions on how I can work through this?

Some days, I just feel like I'm swimming in my own anxiety. It's so hard to keep up a "normal" front (whatever that is) and to then feel like I'm also hiding this dark chapter of my life. Not that I want to advertise it, I've just always felt considerably heavier since my experiences a few years ago. I can't shake the weight of it. I feel crappy because it happened, I feel even worse because I remember at the time thinking "if I stay in this relationship, then I can just pretend that this NEVER happened...." and decided to do that. Struggling with personal forgiveness here. Also struggling, because once again, I know that many of you suffered brutal attacks while you were assaulted, etc. My therapist says that violence is violence, there are no variations- but I feel like my story is an exception. This could be my way of still trying to minimize the incident, I'm not sure. As you can see- I can talk myself into circles about this one.

Any advice or insight would be greatly appreciated.