So the 2rd of October is the eve of my rape. The day before I just couldn't understand why I was feeling so ugly, sad, confused and lost. I just couldn't wrap my head around it. Until I thought hard about it.
I remembered what tomorrow was. Without thinking about it my mind, my body already knew that was the day that changed everything.

I did some research on this and I found that when something traumatic happens, just like when something good happens you'll sense it without thinking about it. That is what I done. Luck for me I taught myself how to deal with all those ugly feelings, let them out and go on about my day, my life.

I told my husband and he watched the kids while I went to unwind. I cried, I sang, I talked to myself to get it out and let it go.

I hate those feelings and that place but I am lucky enough to have taught myself how to deal it as they come and I know how to except it all. For some it ain't that easy because the shame, the guilt, and the hurt is too strong to deal with.

I learned to except it and deal with it because I ruined alot of things because of my rape. I hope for better years and I hope someday my mind and my body will quit remembering but until it does or don't I'll always have a way to keep myself from entering that dark hole I was once trapped in for 15 years.