No, you didn't want it to happen. That you chose not to yell, isn't a reflection on you at all. The circumstance was such that you were in shock. In that mindset, calling out to strangers would possibly cause you more distress, not less.

Embarrassment is something we each deal with. I have held back details of my rape, because of embarrassment. I don't know why 'I' should be the one to be embarrassed by a thing done TO me, but I still have things I am embarrassed about.

You state here a key point you might have missed. In your own words, you tell the truth....the TRUTH is, you had "reasons" for not calling out...not excuses, but reasons. Your mind searched it's available database for what possible scenarios might exist to aid you...quickly. You had none, except, you would be exposed to strangers, who may...or may not have been able to help you. You did all you could do with what was available to you at the moment. Let yourself off the hook...this is a stuck point to be worked out...not to get hung up on. Hugs my friend. Gentle, supportive hugs - this isn't an "I wanted it" admission.

I agree completely with MB. This is in no way a statement of "I wanted it." The 'embarrassed' feeling was completely normal.

I read once that rape is the only crime in which the victim is forced to physically participate in it. I think this is a lot of the cause of so much of our confusing guilt and embarrassment. It would be distressing to be seen in such a situation... being forced to 'participate in a crime'.

Think about this: If you were mugged and the mugger had a knife or gun and told you to hand over your purse, would you do it? (As EVERY law officer tells us to do.) I know I would... as fast as I could. Would I then have a place to be embarrassed for participating in the robbery? I don't think so. But because rape involves our bodies, it falsely shoves us emotionally into a different space. A place where we seek to find and take blame. A place where we can twist it just enough to question whether it was rape or not.

Be at ease. You didn't want it and your reaction was normal. You don't have anything to be ashamed of here.

Of course you didn't want it to happen. It was probably very embarassing. Also you didn't want to add more trauma. The more people that see, the more embarassing. At least that's what I thought too. Someone was in the area when I was attacked, and I didn't scream as loud as I should have or tell them after. I was so embarassed and humiliated.

No I really don't think you wanted to be attacked. I remember distinctly praying that no one would walk past I couldn't face the indignity. I think I was also afraid that if someone did see me they might assume I was a slut. It seemed as though my dignity was all I had left. I know dignity sounds a peculiar word. But as long as no one saw me no one had to know~ I have since learned that was never going to be possible, but at least now people know because I want to tell them, and in the way that feels appropriate To Me.

Take Care

Debs.

Hi,
thanks all your responses have really helped. They make me feel able to talk to my counsellor knowing that whatever she says I have you guys to fall back on so big thanks!