Rape Support Group
If you or someone you know has been the victim of rape, this is the place to find support and get advice. If you want, discuss your experience, share your feelings, and meet others going through a similar situation.
Sorry I'm repeating this, I just am feeling like crap and trying to tell my self it wasn't my fault. But I have been tempted to self harm right now. I'm crying a lot today.
How is any of this not my fault? How am I not to blame? I can't stand up for myself or anything.
I suppress a lot from my childhood. I was neglected from birth to 2 then put in foster care till I was 4. When I was 4 my half brothers father adopted me. Between 4-6 a boy who was 10 years older got way to close to me. He molested me, but when I turned 6 he raped me. He did that till I was probably close to 8 years old when my family moved to a different town.
When I was 15 I was gang raped by 5 men. They dragged me from an alley to a shed. Put barb wire around my wrist and my neck. They raped me repeatedly. When I struggled the barb wire cut into me. They stabbed me and I saw one guy holding his phone like he was video taping me or taking pictures I don't know for sure. At one point they left but one stayed and he fell asleep while he was still inside me. I started wiggling free, which hurt really bad. I grabbed my clothes and ran out grabbed my bike and went to my hide out where no one knew where it was. I cried and screamed and punched things. I dived into a pond near there and then started a fire and sat there crying.
For my 21st birthday my husband took me to a bar. He got me really drunk. I could barely stand. I know I wanted a shower in bed. I ended up in the shower. He followed me in there got down on me and he started having sex with me. I said no several times tried pushing him away but he kept on pushing in me. I gave up. After he fell asleep I went back to the shower and stayed in there crying.
For awhile I noticed till 4 months ago and he deployed. I woke up with hand print bruises on my wrists and thighs. I got these bruises once to three times a week. But since my husband has been deployed i have had NO bruises anywhere.
How is any of this not my fault? How am I not to blame? I can't stand up for myself or anything.
I suppress a lot from my childhood. I was neglected from birth to 2 then put in foster care till I was 4. When I was 4 my half brothers father adopted me. Between 4-6 a boy who was 10 years older got way to close to me. He molested me, but when I turned 6 he raped me. He did that till I was probably close to 8 years old when my family moved to a different town.
When I was 15 I was gang raped by 5 men. They dragged me from an alley to a shed. Put barb wire around my wrist and my neck. They raped me repeatedly. When I struggled the barb wire cut into me. They stabbed me and I saw one guy holding his phone like he was video taping me or taking pictures I don't know for sure. At one point they left but one stayed and he fell asleep while he was still inside me. I started wiggling free, which hurt really bad. I grabbed my clothes and ran out grabbed my bike and went to my hide out where no one knew where it was. I cried and screamed and punched things. I dived into a pond near there and then started a fire and sat there crying.
For my 21st birthday my husband took me to a bar. He got me really drunk. I could barely stand. I know I wanted a shower in bed. I ended up in the shower. He followed me in there got down on me and he started having sex with me. I said no several times tried pushing him away but he kept on pushing in me. I gave up. After he fell asleep I went back to the shower and stayed in there crying.
For awhile I noticed till 4 months ago and he deployed. I woke up with hand print bruises on my wrists and thighs. I got these bruises once to three times a week. But since my husband has been deployed i have had NO bruises anywhere.
It was not your fault.
When you were hurt as a child, it was your parents responsibility to protect you. As for your husband, that is rape. If you haven't left him yet you need to now. This is unacceptable behavior on his part. I don't mean to judge, but a lot of men in the military are a bit rough around the edges and he may be suffering from PTSD. The last thing you need is for him to have an episode while raping you and he'll hurt or kill you.
Have you sought any sort of counseling services or life coaching to help get past these events? Is there any doctors or family members you can talk to so you can get some help?