Not only things from the most recent assault but a lot from my past ones too. Its truly crazy how your mind pushes these memories, things that actually happened , in the back of your mind until you're ready to remember . The atmosphere of the room, the noise her fan makes put me in a trance, I remembered in my last session with my therapist alot of what i pushed away. Like him (recent assault) making me stand in front of a full length mirror , holding my face forcing me to look at myself. Idk why. I looked at myself but i didnt , i kind of just look past myself making it look like i was , defocusing my eyes. But actually watching what was happening , it was like going out of my body and watching my life like a movie , really fucking fucked me up. It still makes me shake. Makes me sick. I remember after i had no fight left , and was in so much pain , like i had been torn open by my soul, i just laid there and let it happen and watched the tv before blacking out and leaving my body. MTV was on and it was music so i knew it had to be morning . ugh im sorry i just lost my train of thought, the more i talk about it it becomes real the more i remember and i drift into thought , remembering for minuets - hours. I remember him pulling my hair on top of me choking me saying " you're all mine forever ,SAY IT!" squeezing my throat and pulling my hair harder and harder until i screamed it . " Youre my princess" what he called me AND his daughter . I just layed there after , not asleep or awake and not really there either . I came to hours later, put on my clothes and ran home as fast as i could , i barely remember running at all. I took a shower , which was the worst thing i ever did , but i felt so fucking disgusting , his smell, every germ and microscopic piece of him i had to wash off me with boiling hot water . Wash Him Away. wash him away and it didnt happen . The next morning i could barely walk it felt as if i had been stabbed , i had bruises on almost every part of my body , bite marks and choke marks . hand prints and finger prints bruised into my skin. Even one on my face from him covering my mouth . I was bleeding. Im not a virgin , It was painful to even go to the bathroom, to physically sit down and my insides hurt for weeks after . My hair coming out in clumps , my throat sore. Every guy i saw , i wanted to cry and run, i was so fucking terrified i cudnt speak , i turned pale white . I was just in this state of shock and maybe still am i dont know, but im just remembering this stuff, this time span of two weeks is just a complete fog . I cried every single night . I remember i reported him for child neglect but cudnt report him for rape , just cudnt. i came out of the bathroom after about and hour of being there and he was on top of his daughter calling her princess ( shes 3) and she was naked , he was wiping her aggressive and hurting her parts, she was shaking and just looking at me, terrified. He was smoking drugs right infront of her and waking her up all through the night for nothing. The ONLY reason i stayed as long as i did is because he couldnt even function and after i saw the on top of her thing, i cudnt leave her, even just for that one night that girl was not being touched if i had anything to do with it.
I saw him in the store the other day while i was with my sister , she knows. It felt like i ran straight into a wall , almost dropped right there. He looked me straight in my eyes and i in his then he walked away like nothing. I almost screamed , then nearly ran to the register, paid and got out of there . It was Halloween night. I cudnt breathe and started panicking in the car , crying . but i wudnt let anyone see, but i looked at my sister and said " that was him" . At this point , i feel like my bodys only purpose so far in life is to be peoples piece of meat to throw around, use and hurt . I feel like nothing . Worthless and disposable. Ive been assaulted , molested and abused SO MANY FUCKING TIMES that if i went to the cops they wouldn't believe me anymore , its ALL TRUE every last word of it, every last accusation is TRUE. SO many people have gotten away with such horrible crimes in just ONE body, family , friends , friends of family - random people. I can never trust ever again and IT IS NOT MY FAULT it is the worlds fault, PEOPLE made me this way, not mental illness, not addiction. PEOPLE.