Rape Support Group

If you or someone you know has been the victim of rape, this is the place to find support and get advice. If you want, discuss your experience, share your feelings, and meet others going through a similar situation.

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Should I tell my Fiance?

Danielle001
Danielle001
My fianc and I are going to be getting married soon and I was just curious... Should I tell him that I was raped? We haven't had sex yet because I wanted to save myself for marriage. It has been two years since it happened. I have had some really dark times here lately, but I have done quite well dealing with them alone and I think that I can do it. I don't really want to bring it up because I have never told him before and we have been dating for a little over a year. I don't really want him to think that I am keeping things from him, but at the same time I don't want him to look at me differently or worse; break up with me! I really don't want to tell him, but I'm afraid that's a mistake. I'm not sure what to do... I don't really get that many flashbacks anymore and when I do they're just nightmares. I am just kind of afraid that when we try to have sex there is a possibility of an unfavorable reaction on my part... I don't want this to ruin our honeymoon. What would you all do?
DayDreaminDreamer
DayDreaminDreamer
Yes, there is a possibility that sexual intercourse will bring up stuff from rape.

My suggestion is to tell him. I mean, if you are not telling your fiance about things like that, why are you even considering marriage in the first place?
deleted_user
deleted_user
I recommend you tell him. It will weigh on him, but it's probably for the best.

If he leaves you because of it, he's not the one IMO.

If he knows, he can do all he can to prevent triggers for you and he can be sensitive of the pace at which you want to go.

Peace, sorry, and good luck...
deleted_user
deleted_user
It will be hard to tell him, but it is important that he understand your needs. I waited until after I was married because I didn't deal with the trauma until it overwhelmed me.
I wrote out everything that I could remember about the rapes and how I felt. I made him read about how trauma effects people and how I was feeling before I let him read what happened to me to try to make him understand. Maybe that will be an easier way for you to let him in if you are like me and have trouble telling people intimate things verbally.
Danielle001
Danielle001
I really appreciate everyone's advice! I have considered your opinions and I have done some thinking and I have decided to tell him. Thank you all so very much!
deleted_user
deleted_user
Oh sweety I think it would be best if you told tell him. I've been there it took me almost 4 years to have sex again and it was hard for but he understood and was very patient with me. You owe it to yourself to tell him but only you cant decide if and when you can
koifish008
koifish008
I know this was from a while ago but I'm responding to this with my own experience in case anyone else reads this- That's tough. I think you should tell him, but tell him way far in advance. Also- please be prepared for him to have difficulty performing the first couple of times you are together. I told my boyfriend about it just before we had sex (literally, JUST before- bad timing) and he really could have used a few weeks to let it "sink" in. I just wasn't ready. I was a blubbering mess when I finally told him. I didn't go into detail either. I would recommend not going into detail with him unless he ask you, and only divulge what you're comfortable with. Now, my boyfriend admits that our first couple of times together were really hard for him- because he was so anxious about overdoing something, underdoing something, that I would be triggered, etc. he was really worried about it. Also, it has effected our sex life in that he's now worried to initiate thing with me- but I need him to because I'm still anxious about doing it myself. It's an elephant in the room but some days, it stands between us which can make things difficult. We're still getting better and once "things get going" we're usually fine. But it's been an emotional hurtle for him to overcome. It's tough for both parties involved. He has said that he's glad I told him, but it's been a challenge for him to work through too.