Rape Support Group
If you or someone you know has been the victim of rape, this is the place to find support and get advice. If you want, discuss your experience, share your feelings, and meet others going through a similar situation.
I recently posted one of the reasons that i blame myself for what happened to me and the responses I got were really helpful so I thought I would try another one.
I went back to the hotel with this guy who I didn't like (I had made it clear to him that I didn't want to kiss him but after he put pressure on me I did, therefore giving him every reason to suspect that I could be bullyied into things, this is another point I struggle with). I am not sure where his friends arrived but there was a point when we were outside the hotel and they were all talking in a foreign language and I was sat by this garage door nearly asleep (I had had a lot to drink)and this guy came up to me and asked me if I was alright and told me that it wasn't safe for me to be there.
What makes me feel bad is that I kind of agreed with him I had quite a strong feeling that the decisions i had made to get me there had not been wise ones and that things were not really in my control and yet I still told him that I was fine. I feel like this was my way out and I didn't take it, why was that?
I had no idea things would end up the way they did (I was at the very least manipulated into doing things that I didn't want to by these guys) but its like I have always liked playing with fire and felt like I was invincible, clearly I am not.
But there is this part of me that feels like maybe I wanted it to happen or else why would I have made myself that vunerable?
I went back to the hotel with this guy who I didn't like (I had made it clear to him that I didn't want to kiss him but after he put pressure on me I did, therefore giving him every reason to suspect that I could be bullyied into things, this is another point I struggle with). I am not sure where his friends arrived but there was a point when we were outside the hotel and they were all talking in a foreign language and I was sat by this garage door nearly asleep (I had had a lot to drink)and this guy came up to me and asked me if I was alright and told me that it wasn't safe for me to be there.
What makes me feel bad is that I kind of agreed with him I had quite a strong feeling that the decisions i had made to get me there had not been wise ones and that things were not really in my control and yet I still told him that I was fine. I feel like this was my way out and I didn't take it, why was that?
I had no idea things would end up the way they did (I was at the very least manipulated into doing things that I didn't want to by these guys) but its like I have always liked playing with fire and felt like I was invincible, clearly I am not.
But there is this part of me that feels like maybe I wanted it to happen or else why would I have made myself that vunerable?
In an effort to move forward, I decided to write him a letter. At the end, when I was deciding whether to try to find him to send it, I realized that I didn't want him to talk to me ever again and opening up those lines of communication would be bad. When my T asked me why not (he wasn't really wanting me to send it anyway, I think), I realized that NO MATTER WHAT he said, it would never be good enough. I didn't want to hear any excuse whatsoever and even if he said he was sorry (how likely would that be), I wasn't ready to forgive anyway. Talk about setting myself up for failure!
The reason I mention all of this is because my T said that even though I wasnt aware of it, I was taking back my control despite not confronting him. I must deep down realize that I am not at fault if I have no interest in his justifications. That had not even crossed my mind. It's something you may want to try. I pretty much had to have it spelled out for me :) Point is, sometimes it's the process that gets you through times you don't even realize your working on. Keep on keepin on and you'll get there. If you don't have a psychiatrist, I highly recommend one. I've accomplished more with him in 4 months than on my own in 16 years.
Perhaps you could have made wiser choices that night, but what's done is done and there is no changing your mind now. But what you need to remember is that no matter what situation you might have gotten yourself into, you never deserved what happened. I hear people say things all the time like "if she's walking around wearing that.." or "if she's going places like that.." "if she's acting like that.." or "If she's doing this or that" she's "asking to be raped." Things along those lines are very common to hear. And sometimes we internalize these ideas and really do think that because I made such-n-such mistake, it was my fault for getting myself into that situation. The truth is that, as a woman, you should not HAVE to worry about getting into situations where you might be victimized. We SHOULD be able to walk the streets at 3am in skimpy clothes if we want. We SHOULD be able to pass out at someones place we hardly know and not be touched. We shouldn't HAVE to constantly be on high alert. I don't care where you went, what you did, or what you were wearing. You NEVER gave permission for that to happen and that is all that matters here. You could have passed out stark naked by your own accord and it's STILL not your fault that anything happened to you.