I'm so sorry that you are going through this, please know you are not alone! I too have been a victim of sexual abuse in my past and have known despair, heartbreak and anger. However, I have also found freedom from all of those feelings as well as freedom from the feeling of being held captive by the actions of my abuser. Once I came to the end of myself knowing I needed help beyond myself and/or any other human being, I realized only Jesus Christ and reaching out to God could I begin the slow process of healing. Surprisingly it came in the form of forgiveness. I had never once thought that my abuser needed my forgiveness or even deserved it since he was the source of my abuse. However, what I came to realize is that I was held in a prison of abuse and cycle of despair because I too, didn't deserve forgiveness for anything I had ever done wrong, but for the grace of God, I was extended unmerited favor and grace and shown true love and forgiveness even though I didn't deserve it.
Once I chose to forgive my abuser as an act of obedience to God, because he says that's how true freedom is attained, I was set free from the captive thoughts, pain and heartache that I was feeling. I was able to see my abuser in a different light, as one that made a decision that affected me, but that I didn't have to stay in that prison any longer of abuse, I now had a choice to live free and healthy because I needed it. It was revolutionary change. When those ugly thoughts would come up, I would pray, stand on the promises of God's word that spoke truth into my situation and then I found I was able to then face the day and combat the next lie until it became less and less and easier and easier. Please seek wise counsel, find a trusted friend, a pastor, a counselor who can help you through these issues. You deserve true freedom!

Thank you so much for your advice! IT has truly helped. Thought you should know I am Wiccan and I have God's and Goddess's but I will sure talk to them and ask for help.

Praying for you my friend!