Rape Support Group
If you or someone you know has been the victim of rape, this is the place to find support and get advice. If you want, discuss your experience, share your feelings, and meet others going through a similar situation.
Kinda just venting...
It wasn't the first time I heard that... And I'm sure it won't be the last.. But every time I hear that.. I just break down.. Crying on my hands and knees staring at a razor and hoping I'm strong enough not to start cutting again.. This time I was strong.. I was raped 3 times... The first time.. I was 12 years old, My mothers friends son was living with us, he was 17. He came into my room one night when my family was out. My older brother was suppose to be home.. He came into my room in the middle of the night... He was too strong... I was too weak... The second time.. I was at a party, 13 years old.. it was first time being drunk and high.. He was 18.. Why was he there! He wasn't invited.. The mother that was there, to "supervise" was high off her mind, passing out on the couch... I went to the bathroom, I felt sick, I threw up and felt a tad better.. As I opened the door he pushed me back, had a small knife in his hand.. I was 4' 9, he was 6'... Crying and shivering, i just listened to his commands.. That was the first time reporting it, off to the rape clinic.. Cop says I'm lying cause I was wearing jeans and a thong.. He may have changed clothes and left his knife when the cops found him at his house... But I had his dna.. Statutory rape... 30 days... great... 14 years old, I met a girl, she was my best friend... or so I thought... She talked me into sneaking out... For her, i did. She gave me a bottle... Rum and coke she says... Leaving out the fact it was spiked... We were walking to her friends house. What a long walk... Her friend that was with us had to carry me after an hour of walking.. We got to this tailor.. There was a 25 yr old and a 19 yr old.. "Come lay down" they say... I don't know what was in that drink, but i knew alcohol and there was no way just one soda bottle full will do that to me.. The 19 yr old would hole me down as the 25 yr old was on top of me... as they switched... My "best friend" was sitting in the corner on a chair watching... she looked sad... but why wasn't she helping me... I managed to memorize what was on the glass table in front of me.. ash try on the left corner.. 3 tv remotes... A paper plate of old pizza, a couple of beer bottles on the right.. Huge stereo system.. 8 speakers, big box tv... After they were done they went outside... wheres my phone... I didn't have it... I got up.. said I needed a cigarette.. They offered to drive me to the store and get me some more smokes. I don't feel good but i can stay here... The 3 men left me there with my "best friend".. she started crying... I let a minute pass... "Why?..." I say... She offers to take me back home... I'm lost. No idea where I was and still didn't have my phone... such a long quiet walk home... The next day I had school... I met with the counselor, i didn't change... didn't shower... I didn't even sleep... I sat in the tub... crying... Knowing if i would turn this shower on and scrubbed myself raw.. There would be no dna left... My mom saw the bruises but at that time she never cared much to ask.. My counselor knew something happened. 5 minutes later cops are at the school. I'm making a report... I get in the back seat of their car and show them where it was... Confused by two tailors.. i told them what the inside looked like... Then off the the rape clinic again.. 3 little pills again.. I hated them cause I would drink milk with them and that didn't mix.. The next day the cops are at my school again.. the 25 yr old in jail... the 19 yr old ran off. "What about my friend" I asked... Why should I even care... The told me what they found out... It was a set up.. She brought me to them for money, pot and cocaine... They had a gun on the top of the stereo system, his names wasn't Mike, it was ------, he had a warrant out for him for assault and battery on his ex wife.. Your lucky to be alive" Am I alive? I wish they would have killed me I would say... Beats living with another horrible memory... I am 20 now.. I'm happy to be alive, I know i'm a survivor.. I did what I had to to survive.. Last semester I was assaulted at my college. I was in the stairwell, he pushed me up against the wall by my throat.. He stuck his hand in my pants and told me to say I liked it.. I tried to push him, but I would move... Between stairs that went down and stairs that went up I was scared I would fall down if i kept trying to push... he grabbed my had and put it over his ... I flinched... Finally... Someone opens the top door of the stair well.. I ran... When I told my ex what had happen.. he said it was my fault.. I should have kicked him in his balls... Should have screamed, or slapped him... The rapes were my fault too.... I was so hurt... Hes 31 years old, how does he not understand not all women are the same... Fight, Flight or Freeze my Therapist would tell me... I could never scream... Its as if I go mute when I'm scared.. Can't tell you how many nightmares i would have about me not being able to scream, or people not hearing me. I'm so small and weak, I'm too scared to hit when i'm in that type of situation... I just freeze.. its like I get out of my body for that moment... I tried self defense.. I would get flash backs and run out crying... I want to get pepper spray or something.. they aren't allowed in school? I should report it... but I haven't seen him since that day... There was 4 other girls he assaulted that day... no one told... But what I can't understand is why my ex would say that to me... He knew i get scared, even when he gets loud i start crying... I just don't understand... I know its not my fault... but hearing that... it makes me think if things could of gone differently if i would of screamed or hit or wouldn't of even drank or whatever...
It wasn't the first time I heard that... And I'm sure it won't be the last.. But every time I hear that.. I just break down.. Crying on my hands and knees staring at a razor and hoping I'm strong enough not to start cutting again.. This time I was strong.. I was raped 3 times... The first time.. I was 12 years old, My mothers friends son was living with us, he was 17. He came into my room one night when my family was out. My older brother was suppose to be home.. He came into my room in the middle of the night... He was too strong... I was too weak... The second time.. I was at a party, 13 years old.. it was first time being drunk and high.. He was 18.. Why was he there! He wasn't invited.. The mother that was there, to "supervise" was high off her mind, passing out on the couch... I went to the bathroom, I felt sick, I threw up and felt a tad better.. As I opened the door he pushed me back, had a small knife in his hand.. I was 4' 9, he was 6'... Crying and shivering, i just listened to his commands.. That was the first time reporting it, off to the rape clinic.. Cop says I'm lying cause I was wearing jeans and a thong.. He may have changed clothes and left his knife when the cops found him at his house... But I had his dna.. Statutory rape... 30 days... great... 14 years old, I met a girl, she was my best friend... or so I thought... She talked me into sneaking out... For her, i did. She gave me a bottle... Rum and coke she says... Leaving out the fact it was spiked... We were walking to her friends house. What a long walk... Her friend that was with us had to carry me after an hour of walking.. We got to this tailor.. There was a 25 yr old and a 19 yr old.. "Come lay down" they say... I don't know what was in that drink, but i knew alcohol and there was no way just one soda bottle full will do that to me.. The 19 yr old would hole me down as the 25 yr old was on top of me... as they switched... My "best friend" was sitting in the corner on a chair watching... she looked sad... but why wasn't she helping me... I managed to memorize what was on the glass table in front of me.. ash try on the left corner.. 3 tv remotes... A paper plate of old pizza, a couple of beer bottles on the right.. Huge stereo system.. 8 speakers, big box tv... After they were done they went outside... wheres my phone... I didn't have it... I got up.. said I needed a cigarette.. They offered to drive me to the store and get me some more smokes. I don't feel good but i can stay here... The 3 men left me there with my "best friend".. she started crying... I let a minute pass... "Why?..." I say... She offers to take me back home... I'm lost. No idea where I was and still didn't have my phone... such a long quiet walk home... The next day I had school... I met with the counselor, i didn't change... didn't shower... I didn't even sleep... I sat in the tub... crying... Knowing if i would turn this shower on and scrubbed myself raw.. There would be no dna left... My mom saw the bruises but at that time she never cared much to ask.. My counselor knew something happened. 5 minutes later cops are at the school. I'm making a report... I get in the back seat of their car and show them where it was... Confused by two tailors.. i told them what the inside looked like... Then off the the rape clinic again.. 3 little pills again.. I hated them cause I would drink milk with them and that didn't mix.. The next day the cops are at my school again.. the 25 yr old in jail... the 19 yr old ran off. "What about my friend" I asked... Why should I even care... The told me what they found out... It was a set up.. She brought me to them for money, pot and cocaine... They had a gun on the top of the stereo system, his names wasn't Mike, it was ------, he had a warrant out for him for assault and battery on his ex wife.. Your lucky to be alive" Am I alive? I wish they would have killed me I would say... Beats living with another horrible memory... I am 20 now.. I'm happy to be alive, I know i'm a survivor.. I did what I had to to survive.. Last semester I was assaulted at my college. I was in the stairwell, he pushed me up against the wall by my throat.. He stuck his hand in my pants and told me to say I liked it.. I tried to push him, but I would move... Between stairs that went down and stairs that went up I was scared I would fall down if i kept trying to push... he grabbed my had and put it over his ... I flinched... Finally... Someone opens the top door of the stair well.. I ran... When I told my ex what had happen.. he said it was my fault.. I should have kicked him in his balls... Should have screamed, or slapped him... The rapes were my fault too.... I was so hurt... Hes 31 years old, how does he not understand not all women are the same... Fight, Flight or Freeze my Therapist would tell me... I could never scream... Its as if I go mute when I'm scared.. Can't tell you how many nightmares i would have about me not being able to scream, or people not hearing me. I'm so small and weak, I'm too scared to hit when i'm in that type of situation... I just freeze.. its like I get out of my body for that moment... I tried self defense.. I would get flash backs and run out crying... I want to get pepper spray or something.. they aren't allowed in school? I should report it... but I haven't seen him since that day... There was 4 other girls he assaulted that day... no one told... But what I can't understand is why my ex would say that to me... He knew i get scared, even when he gets loud i start crying... I just don't understand... I know its not my fault... but hearing that... it makes me think if things could of gone differently if i would of screamed or hit or wouldn't of even drank or whatever...
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