Rape Support Group
If you or someone you know has been the victim of rape, this is the place to find support and get advice. If you want, discuss your experience, share your feelings, and meet others going through a similar situation.
Excerpted from the book "Resurrection After Rape" (amazon.com or www.resurrectionafterrape.org)
Freezing and paralysis during rape I just laid there and took it!
At first, few rape victims can tolerate alternate explanations for their rapes. For example, you may habitually tell yourself I should have fought more, without considering the possibility that you might have been harmed even worse had you done so. Because rape is about power and control, a rapist will use a level of aggression that exceeds any resistance in order to maintain that control. Furthermore, during a traumatic assault the bodys sympathetic nervous system takes over, instinctively regulating your behaviors for the sake of survival. That means your conscious mind stops choosing what to do, and your physical systems grab control, producing one of three basic responses: fight, flee, or freeze.
All three instincts have helpful and harmful aspects about them; they may either increase or decrease your safety. But contrary to what we see in movies and what we read in booklets promoted by the self-defense industry, the fight instinct is actually rather rare in both men and women. By far the most common instinct is the freeze instinct, in which the body becomes very still, rigid, and silent. This is called tonic immobility, and is a simple survival behavior. During rape, temporary paralysis is very common (it occurs in up to 88% of rape victims during the assault, according to studies) and entirely normal, and probably even quite healthy. (source: Heidt, J. M., Marx, B. P., & Forsyth, J. P. (2005). Tonic immobility and childhood sexual abuse: Evaluating the sequela of rape-induced paralysis. Behaviour Research and Therapy,43,11571171.)
However, until someone explains to a survivor that this instinct is normal and appropriate, she will often spend years criticizing herself (Whats the matter with me? I just laid there! Im such a fool! Why didnt I fight, or at least scream?), and even lawyers and juries can be misled into lenience toward rapists whose victims are inaccurately described as passive. This behavior is not passive; it is a biologically-driven form of resistance! But this fact is so rarely understood that rape victims often multiply their own sense of guilt and shame because of the freeze instinct. One study even found that the link between this temporary paralysis during rape and later feelings of guilt and self-blame are directly related to increased depression, anxiety, and PTSD later.
This is why it is so crucial that rape survivors receive basic education about the bodys adaptations to trauma, so that you can understand and accept these behaviors as normal, rather than as failure. This is a biologically hard-wired response that just kicks in, typically when there's extreme fear coupled with physical restraint, states one study of victims temporary paralysis during rape. Jennifer Heidt, commenting on a study she helped organize, wrote, if we can help to show them [in therapy] that they weren't letting this happen to themselves, that this is an unlearned response, that they were incapable of changing it, that they were incapable of fighting back, then we can help deal with that guilt. (source: Finn, Robert. Involuntary paralysis common during rape - Legal and TX Implications. OB/GYN News, Jan. 15, 2003. http://findarticles.com/p/articles/mi_m0CYD/is_2_38/ai_97767906)
It can also be difficult to separate the issues of comliance with consent. In most rapes where the victim is conscious, there is some degree of forced compliance with the rapist, simply as a reasonable way to protect herself from further harm. Although this is a very normal form of self-preservation, it can also produce one hell of a stuck point afterward:
The fact that I stopped struggling when he ordered me to means I am guilty of permitting the rape.
I removed my underpants when he told me to. That means I participated or led him on about sex.
I kept quiet and never screamed. Does that mean I wasnt really raped?
My whole body froze and I couldnt move.
They always say no means no. But I never said the word no because I was paralyzed with fear.
I cant remember how I got into the closet [where the rape happened]If I put myself there, it must mean I helped him rape me.
When a person is mugged, they instinctively freeze and will typically say to the attacker, Take whatever you want. They will compliantly hand over wallets, purses, watches, anything demanded of them, in a desperate, terrified hope that the assault will end without further injury or death. And nobody questions this cooperation; police even advise it as the correct course of action. People will support you and assure you that you did the right thing. Nobody blames you for carrying money by saying, well, didnt you realize that would only lead a robber on? Nobody would blame you for all the times you willingly spent money by implying that this means you have a history of giving it away, so arent you just crying robbery now? Nobody would claim that the incident was probably just a cash transaction that got out of hand or you regretted later.
Yet when the violent assault becomes sexual, many people implausibly lose all their insights about the importance of cooperation to reduce harm. Suddenly, the guilty questions begin: Why didnt I fight back? What if I had resisted more? Why did I stay quiet? Why did I freeze? Why did I take off something I wore when he ordered me to?
These stuck points exist because of the gap between what we want to believe (I would never let anyone rape me) and what the rape itself seems to prove (I must have failed to prevent rape. Or worse yet, I must have permitted it!). It may seem like an unusual statement, but analyzing your stuck points is really a form of forgiving yourself for whatever actions you had to do to survive, and for whatever its taken to cope since, and for whatever misguided self-blame you have felt in spite of the facts. When Shannon wrote the words Im sorry, little girl in her story, it was written after she had finished writing and reading it aloud, and she had recognized the many forms of resistance she had used. The comment was her apology to herself for spending the next three years crucifying herself. She discovered during her stuck point work that she was neither weak nor willing, and that her younger self had never deserved the heaps of blame and guilt she had carried.
-------
www.resurrectionafterrape.org
Freezing and paralysis during rape I just laid there and took it!
At first, few rape victims can tolerate alternate explanations for their rapes. For example, you may habitually tell yourself I should have fought more, without considering the possibility that you might have been harmed even worse had you done so. Because rape is about power and control, a rapist will use a level of aggression that exceeds any resistance in order to maintain that control. Furthermore, during a traumatic assault the bodys sympathetic nervous system takes over, instinctively regulating your behaviors for the sake of survival. That means your conscious mind stops choosing what to do, and your physical systems grab control, producing one of three basic responses: fight, flee, or freeze.
All three instincts have helpful and harmful aspects about them; they may either increase or decrease your safety. But contrary to what we see in movies and what we read in booklets promoted by the self-defense industry, the fight instinct is actually rather rare in both men and women. By far the most common instinct is the freeze instinct, in which the body becomes very still, rigid, and silent. This is called tonic immobility, and is a simple survival behavior. During rape, temporary paralysis is very common (it occurs in up to 88% of rape victims during the assault, according to studies) and entirely normal, and probably even quite healthy. (source: Heidt, J. M., Marx, B. P., & Forsyth, J. P. (2005). Tonic immobility and childhood sexual abuse: Evaluating the sequela of rape-induced paralysis. Behaviour Research and Therapy,43,11571171.)
However, until someone explains to a survivor that this instinct is normal and appropriate, she will often spend years criticizing herself (Whats the matter with me? I just laid there! Im such a fool! Why didnt I fight, or at least scream?), and even lawyers and juries can be misled into lenience toward rapists whose victims are inaccurately described as passive. This behavior is not passive; it is a biologically-driven form of resistance! But this fact is so rarely understood that rape victims often multiply their own sense of guilt and shame because of the freeze instinct. One study even found that the link between this temporary paralysis during rape and later feelings of guilt and self-blame are directly related to increased depression, anxiety, and PTSD later.
This is why it is so crucial that rape survivors receive basic education about the bodys adaptations to trauma, so that you can understand and accept these behaviors as normal, rather than as failure. This is a biologically hard-wired response that just kicks in, typically when there's extreme fear coupled with physical restraint, states one study of victims temporary paralysis during rape. Jennifer Heidt, commenting on a study she helped organize, wrote, if we can help to show them [in therapy] that they weren't letting this happen to themselves, that this is an unlearned response, that they were incapable of changing it, that they were incapable of fighting back, then we can help deal with that guilt. (source: Finn, Robert. Involuntary paralysis common during rape - Legal and TX Implications. OB/GYN News, Jan. 15, 2003. http://findarticles.com/p/articles/mi_m0CYD/is_2_38/ai_97767906)
It can also be difficult to separate the issues of comliance with consent. In most rapes where the victim is conscious, there is some degree of forced compliance with the rapist, simply as a reasonable way to protect herself from further harm. Although this is a very normal form of self-preservation, it can also produce one hell of a stuck point afterward:
The fact that I stopped struggling when he ordered me to means I am guilty of permitting the rape.
I removed my underpants when he told me to. That means I participated or led him on about sex.
I kept quiet and never screamed. Does that mean I wasnt really raped?
My whole body froze and I couldnt move.
They always say no means no. But I never said the word no because I was paralyzed with fear.
I cant remember how I got into the closet [where the rape happened]If I put myself there, it must mean I helped him rape me.
When a person is mugged, they instinctively freeze and will typically say to the attacker, Take whatever you want. They will compliantly hand over wallets, purses, watches, anything demanded of them, in a desperate, terrified hope that the assault will end without further injury or death. And nobody questions this cooperation; police even advise it as the correct course of action. People will support you and assure you that you did the right thing. Nobody blames you for carrying money by saying, well, didnt you realize that would only lead a robber on? Nobody would blame you for all the times you willingly spent money by implying that this means you have a history of giving it away, so arent you just crying robbery now? Nobody would claim that the incident was probably just a cash transaction that got out of hand or you regretted later.
Yet when the violent assault becomes sexual, many people implausibly lose all their insights about the importance of cooperation to reduce harm. Suddenly, the guilty questions begin: Why didnt I fight back? What if I had resisted more? Why did I stay quiet? Why did I freeze? Why did I take off something I wore when he ordered me to?
These stuck points exist because of the gap between what we want to believe (I would never let anyone rape me) and what the rape itself seems to prove (I must have failed to prevent rape. Or worse yet, I must have permitted it!). It may seem like an unusual statement, but analyzing your stuck points is really a form of forgiving yourself for whatever actions you had to do to survive, and for whatever its taken to cope since, and for whatever misguided self-blame you have felt in spite of the facts. When Shannon wrote the words Im sorry, little girl in her story, it was written after she had finished writing and reading it aloud, and she had recognized the many forms of resistance she had used. The comment was her apology to herself for spending the next three years crucifying herself. She discovered during her stuck point work that she was neither weak nor willing, and that her younger self had never deserved the heaps of blame and guilt she had carried.
-------
www.resurrectionafterrape.org
(trigger warning for following)
After waking up from the drugs/alcohol she had subdued me with, I found her on me again (I had half-awoken earlier to her and went unconscious again). I immediately remembered that she had been on me earlier or that she had not stopped - not sure which.
I froze. She got angry if I moved. She threatened me and accused me of HER CRIME if I moved. She got angry when I tried to "participate" in order to get her to finish faster. She was furious if I spoke. I froze some more. If I looked at her, she glared in anger until I looked away. I just lay there, drifted off mentally and let her go on for as long as she demanded. I have no idea how much longer she raped me or how many times anymore as I had checked out mentally at some point during the rape.
I feel it in my upper arms nearly every day as they freeze up with a weird alternating combination of tension and numbness like they did that morning. When triggered it is ten times worse. I feel it right now as I type this and I'll probably take some Motrin to stop the aching in a few minutes as that sometimes helps.
The body memories from freezing up are not the worst of it, but they are always there - reminding me that I did nothing, that I could do nothing without hurting her or the child she was carrying.
I too was told that by not stopping the rape that I was complicit or just exercising "buyer's remorse". How many of those "real men" or self-righteous women who criticized me would have hurt a pregnant woman or endangered her fetus to stop the rape? I'm guessing ZERO, yet they feel compelled to open their mouths just the same.
I'm tired of paying this price for her crime. Thanks for posting this Matt. I can relate so much I want to scream right now.
I was only 12. But, I had done some things that made me take full responsibility. But, as for the 'laying still and taking it' the 'didn't scream' issue...those things I couldn't find cause for. Those things seemed like common sense activities when a person is getting hurt in such a way. I did cry out, and I referred to it as screaming, but it wasn't a true scream. It was a louder than normal cry. I knew this in my head, nit never said it out loud.....shame.
But, in this part of the book, I found another dark secret I held on to as blame and participation. I never told anyone until I admitted it here on DS in my journaling. I urinated at the outset of the rape. I was wearing a bikini and I wet the bottoms of it. He wouldn't take them off of me because of the pee. He told me to. I remembered it as him taking them off of me - that wasn't accurate. I was told to take them off and I did. Then, as if I knew what was next - I LAID BACK DOWN. This is the only place these words exist. Right here in this post, I have recalled the fact that I laid down. I wasn't pushed, shoved, nothing. I simply laid down. THEN I was sodomized and raped, so....this post, these words, they are more vital to me than ever before. I was 'compliant' as a victim. I figured out early on that my wiggling seemed to make him hurt me more. When I pulled away or tried to get his fingers out of me, he pushed harder. I don't remember this point registering as a thought, but I quit moving and just lay there. Likewise, the moisture that naturally occurs during sex....I had an issue with that in years to come...how my body betrayed me with moisture. Resurrection After Rape explained that too, and I have experienced such relief with my new-found knowledge.
I froze, I took off my own bottoms, I laid back down, I didn't scream...in fact, I remember trying to scream during one very painful act - nothing came out of me, not even a whimper. There was absolutely no scream there, only the thought of one.
This post - these words, they were...and still are, a gift. My sanity has ridden a very fine tightrope for many years. I found firm footing with these words, and I found the beginning of this journey to recovery - what I call a journey to wholeness.
What I say may be triggering...
My first rape I was 16. I laid down too. I was afraid and I knew what he wanted so I just laid down. I was about to sit up and say no, but as soon as I laid down he was on top of me and shoved himself into my mouth. I froze and didn't move an inch for an hour and half as he used and raped me. It took so long for him because he was hopped up on so many drugs. Afterward I threw up and he kissed me good bye and I left. It was at a party and my mom picked me up. I never said a word.
My second rape I barely remember. I lost being 17. Except for a snippet of flashbacks of my abusive boyfriend at the time being on top of me and me crying. I remember the lighting of the room and smells and everything...but I don't remember anything of the actual rape except for seeing him smiling down at me as I cried.
My third, I blame myself, because I had started to consent. But he got very rough and triggered me. I told him it hurt really bad and to stop, but he said "too bad" and continued to rape me along with strangling, spitting, slapping, and making me call him Master. I just let him do whatever and did what he asked. Afterward I felt like crap and just like I had after my other rapes, just horrible...but I still don't know if I can call it rape because I had let him into my apartment and had gone into it willingly at first. It still haunts me though and I am struggling much with this one since it happened this year.
I am struggling a lot right now...but at least I know freezing during the assault is normal.
The fact that he compounded his actions against you by his other actions make him a vile and horrific rapist. He knew you were hurting and he continued to harm you.
I want you to know how this has got to be a thing you let yourself off the hook for. that you initially consented, had this person as an invited guest in your home...my account of my rape is here in my journaling, but, you would have no reason to know that the very thing I held myself responsible for, for all of these years, the thing I hid from my sister - from everyone, was that I had invited this guy to my house knowing I would be alone. I simply can't let you take the blame for an invitation that went tragically wrong. If I let you do that, then I have to re-examine my own 12-year-old's invitation, that, and all the other things I mention here, and I have to pick back up the blame. I can't do that, I have come too far. So, neither can you accept the blame, for any part of the rape.
I wrote it elsewhere here over the weekend. We each have a 'thing' we hold on to that allows us to blame ourselves, it helps us understand a thing that has no basis for understanding in a reasonable world. We deserve better. YOU deserve better.
I wrote this not to sell books, but to help people. But some of you have expressed an interest, too, and I hope you might "Resurrection after Rape" a try; it was written in collaboration with former patients recovering from rape trauma, and with many members right here on DS! I really don't care about sales and money (heck, anyone out to make money doesn't sit down to write a book about rape, do they?), but to genuinely help others. Your feedback, then , is the most important thing, and thanks for all of these replies.