Rape Support Group
If you or someone you know has been the victim of rape, this is the place to find support and get advice. If you want, discuss your experience, share your feelings, and meet others going through a similar situation.
I have been raped and molested more than once. I've never talked to other survivors about it and I just wonder if anyone else has these issues.
I was raped by my sister's fianc's best friend about 10 years ago, and openly admitted it to my sister. He was a drug dealer and paid one of his customers to rape me again 7 months later so I would look like "the girl who cried rape" and he'd get off (in the court of public opinion, it worked. People around here still harass me about it). I since have struggled with addiction, self hate and sexual issues. So, my issues/questions are:
Is feeling like you're not good enough to be loved by anyone, EVER, a common issue for survivors? Is it impossible for us to receive love, or even tell when someone does love us? I can't ever see someone actually choosing to spend their lives with me, putting me as a priority, treating me like I see my friend's boyfriends treat them. I want those things so badly at times, other times I'm just numb to it, to feeling anything other than anger and sadness. Other times I feel overly happy for no reason. I also don't believe I've ever been loved or cared about by friends or family members.
Anxiety, panic attacks, depression, substance abuse and liking really odd things sexually, sometimes having bisexual experiences and fantasies; are those things common, or am I just seriously messed up? Not that being gay or bisexual is wrong, it's just something that confuses me because before the rapes I didn't have those thoughts. If I'm bi, I'm bi...no big deal but I've always been straight so I'm wondering if I'm really bisexual or if it's a bi-product of being raped. I don't really see a girl and say to myself "She's lovely, I'm attracted to her, I'd like to date her"
It's more like when I'm drunk I like to watch lesbian porn or if I were with a guy and he wanted a 3some I'd do it. And I have done it. I've also been with a girl when a man was not involved. 9 years go by and I haven't been with a woman and then BAM- the opportunity is there and I do it, but NEVER sober. Then again, since the rapes I've only ever been able to have sex with 1 guy while I was sober. And that was just within the last year. Before that, I couldn't do it unless I was at least slightly intoxicated.
I seem to believe that men only want sex from me. Never affection.
I haven't ever had a real, steady and healthy relationship. Ever. I don't believe I deserve one. I will usually date unavailable men, fall in love and then be crushed when it doesn't work out. It's a vicious cycle, but it's what I believe I deserve. I do have self confidence and I do have times where I tell myself that I do deserve love. But it never happens and it just "proves" to me that I don't deserve it and will probably never have it. All my siblings are married, I've never even dreamt of a wedding or planned one out like normal girls do at a young age.
I will also cut people out of my life completely, on the spot, if they betray me. I'm a very loving person and usually forgive quickly. However, especially family members...I have cut them off completely and with no remorse at all. I haven't even spoken to my sister, brother or father in over 3 years and I'm not even upset about it. Yet, those are the people most likely to show me love since they're family, right? I cut them off for very good reasons, but why not forgive like I do with people I'm not related to?
Anybody else experience any of these things? Sorry for such a long post.
I was raped by my sister's fianc's best friend about 10 years ago, and openly admitted it to my sister. He was a drug dealer and paid one of his customers to rape me again 7 months later so I would look like "the girl who cried rape" and he'd get off (in the court of public opinion, it worked. People around here still harass me about it). I since have struggled with addiction, self hate and sexual issues. So, my issues/questions are:
Is feeling like you're not good enough to be loved by anyone, EVER, a common issue for survivors? Is it impossible for us to receive love, or even tell when someone does love us? I can't ever see someone actually choosing to spend their lives with me, putting me as a priority, treating me like I see my friend's boyfriends treat them. I want those things so badly at times, other times I'm just numb to it, to feeling anything other than anger and sadness. Other times I feel overly happy for no reason. I also don't believe I've ever been loved or cared about by friends or family members.
Anxiety, panic attacks, depression, substance abuse and liking really odd things sexually, sometimes having bisexual experiences and fantasies; are those things common, or am I just seriously messed up? Not that being gay or bisexual is wrong, it's just something that confuses me because before the rapes I didn't have those thoughts. If I'm bi, I'm bi...no big deal but I've always been straight so I'm wondering if I'm really bisexual or if it's a bi-product of being raped. I don't really see a girl and say to myself "She's lovely, I'm attracted to her, I'd like to date her"
It's more like when I'm drunk I like to watch lesbian porn or if I were with a guy and he wanted a 3some I'd do it. And I have done it. I've also been with a girl when a man was not involved. 9 years go by and I haven't been with a woman and then BAM- the opportunity is there and I do it, but NEVER sober. Then again, since the rapes I've only ever been able to have sex with 1 guy while I was sober. And that was just within the last year. Before that, I couldn't do it unless I was at least slightly intoxicated.
I seem to believe that men only want sex from me. Never affection.
I haven't ever had a real, steady and healthy relationship. Ever. I don't believe I deserve one. I will usually date unavailable men, fall in love and then be crushed when it doesn't work out. It's a vicious cycle, but it's what I believe I deserve. I do have self confidence and I do have times where I tell myself that I do deserve love. But it never happens and it just "proves" to me that I don't deserve it and will probably never have it. All my siblings are married, I've never even dreamt of a wedding or planned one out like normal girls do at a young age.
I will also cut people out of my life completely, on the spot, if they betray me. I'm a very loving person and usually forgive quickly. However, especially family members...I have cut them off completely and with no remorse at all. I haven't even spoken to my sister, brother or father in over 3 years and I'm not even upset about it. Yet, those are the people most likely to show me love since they're family, right? I cut them off for very good reasons, but why not forgive like I do with people I'm not related to?
Anybody else experience any of these things? Sorry for such a long post.
For example, tonight I came home after working a 12 hr shift ( I had to take 2 days off b/c I have a slipped disk and sciatica so I had to make up the hrs I missed) and nobody could be bothered to save me any dinner. And I fell apart. It seems so silly, I feel like I'm being ridiculous! But, I cant change my feelings or control them. Is this hypersensitivity? What is going on with me?
I felt (and still feel) that the only way a guy could like me, or be my friend or anything else was because he was trying to get in my pants, even though I knew he was straight and would never want sex with me. I'm not good enough, I'm not worthy of another man's (what do I call it, not affection, not love, not attraction), friendship? Care? Something along those lines, I think you have an idea what I mean. Just to have a man like me as a friend, meant I had to let him do whatever he wanted.
I went from being bisexual because I liked men, to being bisexual because I thought I deserved to be used that way, I deserved to be punished that way. I've somewhat got past that, but I still feel that way to a large extent. I still have a need to be punished. I still dream about being tied up, or handcuffed arms and legs, and whipped, or beat, and then gang raped, because that's all I'm good for, and I deserve that treatment. It's hell.
Does your wife know you're bisexual and were you bisexual before your assault or did it come up afterward? I have a very difficult time telling the men I date about my bisexual encounters and fantasies.