Ive never done anything like this before, but lately i feel hopeless. So Hi ! My therapist actually suggested finding a support group online because i have no support in real life. Ughhh that sounds so whiny and self pitying . I think my biggest problem is i truly do not complain enough , i don't talk about my feelings. I dont have any friends that are female, because everything you seem to tell them ends up becoming everyone else s knowledge the next day. And a majority of my male friends ( the only ones i have) seem to always want more than i want. I just want a FRIEND. Good people seem to be going extinct . Anyways, I've been sexually assaulted multiple times in the span of my 18 years. Was exposed to things at a young age that where very, VERY traumatizing. First time i was 4 , my older brothers best friend forced me to preform oral sexual acts on him. Then my older sister molested me. After that it was many times by many people in dangerous places and situations that i was molested or sexually traumatized , too many to tell , unless ud like a book. You will learn more about me as time goes on. My first actual rape was when i turned 13 , i was a virgin , it was my best friend. i trusted this person. I went completely silent for a year , barely said 10 words . My mother , teachers, counselors, family members did nothing. Mom is a drug addict focused on her next fix, teachers brushed me off as some asshole kid, counselors knew i was lying , and shoudve been educated enough to recognize behavior of a surviving rape victim . That is the anger i held in and onto for that entire year and much more. And then i exploded. Drugs, sex, alcohol, giving up on school and unsafe behavior. Fighting , running away, all the things that make up a teen pissed off at the world for not seeing or caring. For not having just one person look me in the eye and ask " But are you REALLY okay kiana?". I ended up in Juvey and the system, got out and was doing better. Now 3-4 years later it happened again. Life is better but still not easy , i decided after 3 years to meet up with a guy and talk. And it happened again. I instantly fell back to my old ways , not telling, not talking , drugs, alcohol- but at a much faster rate. Before it was over a course of 2 years, now its only been a month. Im so alone , Im so afraid. Im so mentally, emotionally and physically exhausted. I cant think. How am i supposed to keep pretending im okay? I feel so hollow. I have nobody, my living situation is... tough. I just keep remembering what he kept saying - Your all mine , forever. And it sickens me , it makes me shake and cry. i don't know how much longer i can go on. You dont have to care or give advice , i just need a friend, someone that simply says 'hey , how are you' every so often. Sorry if this is too much for the site , or for other victims, i really am but i started writing and couldnt stop. Thats all for now,
-KG