So it happened Jan, 2006, i was living with my at the time boyfriend. i started to notice some un healthy behaviors at the time and was in the process of slowing down our relationship including breaking off our engagement proposal. my first red flag is when he introduced me to a group of his friends as his trophy. then came the story of the disowned cousin, according to his faimly she had made in their terms "a wild and hurtful" accusation saying he had touched her. to which he replyed that they were wresting that she took it the wrong way after she claimed he groped her breast and grabed her croutch. then came a friend of his that warned me that he had touched her same story with same reply. so i was already a little weary after that. i was in process of moving out of his moms house with him and into my own apartment. unfortunately the night it happened i had found a wooden horse that had been carved for a child i had lost the 4 months prior and so being a fresh memory i spent that day crying about the baby i lost. his family invited me bowling but i refused on the grounds of just not being in the mood, his mother being understanding agreed that it was best that i stay home and rest she ordered me some pizza and got me some ice cream. his mom was sweet just too trusting of her kids. anyway, he left with them and for about 3 hours i was alone at the house. then he came home under the guise he forgot his charger or something like that. i guess he texted his mom later saying he was staying cause he felt bad about leaving me alone upset like i was. anyway, he took that time to rape me. he told me during it that "I WILL HAVE HIS CHILD". after wards he layed down beside me as if we shared an intimate moment. i was so scared to move that i stayed there all night afraid hed do something worse. the next day i went to the hospital and was told by the nurse it was too late and that a rape kit would not be effective, being 19 i believed her. so i went next to his parents he told them that he had been a little rough mabey but sometime we got a little rough. they took his side. so i moved out, changed my phone number, locked myself away with a female friend told her what happened and she lied for me anytime he saw her. she told him that i was always working had picked up a second job so i was either asleep or at work. i quit the job i had, made sure i went to a job he would never look for me at. found out 3 months later suprise im pregnant. i lost it i was too far along to have an abortion,i told my parents what happened i was told by my mom " if you had been home none of this would have happened" and told by my dad "IF, that had happened then the police would have done something about it". i tried to go to the police only to find out later that the head of the police where i filed the complaint was an old time faimly friend, and once he had talked my exs father that it was deemed a "lovers quarell" that just needed to be talked out and he could mediate if they wanted. i had never felt so betrayed. i for a time almost believed them that mabey it was just something that happened. until one of his friends sent me an email, he was disgusted and sent it as an appology for taking my exs side. the contents disturbed him and he broke off contact with my ex then and there. i ended up calling my now husband who was my most trusted friend in high school. i called him balling because i was at suicidal levels i just wanted to die. he told me not to do anything rash he called his two closest friends and within the week all three of them were at my apartment. i told them what happened showed them the email and admited i was pregnant. i couldnt sleep, i barely ate every time someone knocked on the door i hid in the closet with one of our pit bulls, i was begging my bosses never to be put on the floor of the store incase his faimly showed up. my husband moved in the apartment with us, i couldnt touch him for almost 6 months but he made me feel safe and sane, he would sleep in the door frame with his katana, if i showered he would stand in the hallway in the door frame till i told him he could come back inside. he would force me to eat, he would walk me to and from work at a distance. i really started to trust him. i dont know how my ex found out i was pregnant but some how he did, and he attempted to come to the apartement several times only to be stopped by husband, he tried in vain to convience my husband that it was all a misunderstanding that I had made this up to be something more than a lovers spat. he called my husbands best friend a dog on a leash because my husband wouldnt let him beat the crap out of him because i asked them not to. it was mostly for selfish reasons i knew if they went to jail if be alone again and it terrified me. skip months ahead and i'm at the hospital just given birth to be informed that my son's "father" had filed for physical custody as i was a flight risk. his parents used their military connections and hired a military lawyer. i soon lost custody of the baby. then for months he would call me to say "if i needed a place to stay i could come stay with him and my son" when that didnt work he started pushing the baby onto his next girfriend while he stayed out all night. at the time though i could care less i hated the baby, and yes i know its wrong but i couldnt see past his conception i knew he was cared for so it didnt hurt me to be less distant 3 checks a year. he looked like him it hurt so much and i began to hate myself as a mother who lost a child i hated myself for hating him. he was innocent. so i stayed in contact with my lawyer and had him to check up on his living situation and at first signs of a problem we go back to court. but that never happened he was spoiled rotten by his grandparents. he wanted a bouncy house, sure why not they bought it. while i was struggling to work as a waitress, or a cashier barely keeping food on the table. skip about six years later i meet his mom by chance says shed like it if id come see my son, that her son wasnt in town (turned out to be a lie) so i agreed i get to their house and guess whos there, she wanted to clear the air. she hated the bad blood when she and i used to be so close she felt like i was daughter and hated not seeing her daughter, my husband thought seeing my son would be good for me so he agreed i should go mabey i could look to see the baby i gave birth to not his bastard "father". and at the time it was encouraged by my counciler then. so his father right then and there asked him did he rape me. he answered we had gotten a little rough, his father asked him at any point had i said NO. he finally admited that i had mutiple time, the look on his moms face was priceless the shock, the disbelife, she hugged me. i wanted so bad to hit her for that hug, his dad slammed him into the wall and then threw him out. his father attempted to appologize i told them at that time i was signing over custody to them. and that if i got wind of their son near him again i would take away all rights. mabey they could do better this time. i knew financailly they were the best bet for my son, i was struggling and i had a daughter with my husband by then. i know one day ill have to answer for that decission. im sure my son will hate me for walking out his life, i made them sware they wouldnt tell him what happened i didnt want to disrupt his life. weve never told my girls why their brother lives away from them. fast forward to last year. i got a new job in suprisingly judicial system, control operator for the courts, i never realized that it would dig up so many old wounds. i see these sheets and it chills my blood sometime to know what these inmates are being seen for. and it hits home a bit. i know to move forward i need to confront my past. i thought i was getting better with everything but ive been having nightmares again, insecurities again, and this pit of a feeling inside again. i feel angry at myself for still feeling scared after all these years. ive talked to my husband and he thinks i should go back to counciling, but after all these years i feel like im failing if i have to go back. ... sorry for the long post im just a little lost at this time. and felt like i should get it off my chest.