My life began in a series of love, hate, rape, and drunken sex. Conceived from a questionable origin, that took me years to uncover.

My mother never would talk about my father. I'm the youngest of 4 girls of my moms. I always knew I was different.  And mom treated me different.  Not necessarily bad, just distance and inattentive.  I just thought she was tired and worked too much and I was just always in the way.

There were moments she tried to shower me with of affection. However, they were like being with someone else. Now I understand they were moments of manic mayhem when she hit the extreme highs in her bipolar rollercoaster and she was trying her best to love me. To tell my story I first have to tell part of hers...

At age 25 mom had been married with 3 girls and divorced.  One weekend her ex husband comes to get his girls. Finds mom alone, I dont know where my sisters were. He takes the opportunity to force himself on mom. Victimized, mom goes to the lake where she tries to drown herself. A man she knew just an acquaintance,  finds her pulls her from the water, comforts her, gets her drunk, takes her home and takes advantage of the situation.  Leaves her there alone. The next day her boyfriend finds her at home in bad shape, sobers her up, cleans her up, feeds her, and puts her to bed. He lays beside her to watch over her as she sleeps, not knowing what had happened only that she was wasted when he found her. The next morning she awakes with him still by her side. They make love and hold each other all day. Mom never told him. There was another man in there somewhere not sure if he was before or after boyfriend.  However, he was a married man she was having an affair with no one knew about.

During that 72 hours I was conceived. 

Mom never knowing which man was my father, she could never quite bring herself to fully love me.

After years and years of asking about my father, she told me this story out of anger when I was 9 to shut me up. 

So 6 months later I was born while my mom had a heart attack in the 6th month of pregnancy.  I was small and weak, and needed to stay in the hospital for about a month or so. I never formed that bond with my mom at birth. I spent a lot of time being with my sisters dad and his new wife till I was about 4ish. I dont remember any of that. My first strong memory I was 5. My mom drove 18 wheelers with my soon to be step dad. I stayed with my sisters, one a year old the other two were 6 and 7 years older. One of mom's buddys was staying with us. His name was Pete.  In his 30/40s. I remember my older sisters were in school. He wanted to play a secret game with me and my sister G she was 6. 

He laid us on the bed and played tickle dr. I wont go into details other then it was oral and touching/hands penetration. 

When I was 6 my female older cousin played the same game with me and here brother and sister they were 5 and 7.

I didnt know until later this was wrong because everyone else involved was happy and laughing.  It was a game. 

When I was 13 I was almost grown. I cooked for myself cleaned the house.  Got myself up and to school. Did my homework got good grades. My sisters were gone living their lives.  My sister G was engaged and lived with him at 14, pregnant.  It was just me and 2 homeless runaways from Boston my mom brought home live in our house.  Mom was gone months at a time on the road working. 

While mom was on the road the 2 from Boston left. So my Aunt & Uncle was 2 blocks away. I was responsible and a good kid. Mom had my Uncle take me grocery shopping on fridays I remember she allowed me $25 a week. If I needed anything call my uncle. I lived alone for 2 months. 

My bff lived 5 blocks away. We had a science fare project due. I wored the bus home with her. We did our work then I called my uncle at work told him i was gonna leave her house at 8pm and walk home I'd be home by 830 curfew. 

I lived in the south, so ar any given moment a storm could start without warning. It was December 12, 1986.

About half way between our homes, it started pouring down rain. It was cold, windy,  dark, I could barely see the car lights passing. A car stopped, 2 guys in it. Said omg get in we'll take you home. Your gonna get blown away or ran over out here. I was naive, trusting. I got in. They took me home, dropped me off and left. I was home safe. I fixed me some dinner showered got changed into dry clothes.  Prepared my stuff for next day at school and laid on my bed and turned the stereo on. Reo speedwagon, Time for me to Fly playing. One of my favorite songs. Somehow still is! 

There was a knock at the door.. I opened the door... when I woke up I was in the front seat between them. I felt sleepy, and unable to keep my eyes open. Time was in slow motion.  The headlights on the white line on the road seemed to go on forever. I was in and out a few times. I couldn't  stay wake. 

I woke to the passenger pulling me out of the car and shoveling me down on the back seat. Still in a daze. My blinks seemed to last for long minutes like 5 to 10 minutes at a time. 

My pants were being pulled off  and someone was holding my hands down standing in the door above my head. My pants are off and the man at the door to my feet climbs on me. Hes heavy and hes rough with me then he is in me and he is thrusting himself in me and i try to scream and the other man shoves himself in my mouth  and its choking me. I bite down and hit hit me and starts yelling and shovels himself in my mouth again hard and again and again telling me he will kill me if i bite down again. The other man keeps penetrating me and is pushing inside me with all his might. Then the other one finished in my mouth.  All i could do was cry and choke and scream out in my head, God please save me!!!

When it was over, they were talking and trying to decide what to do with me.  One said just throw her out. No one will find her and the drugs will keep her here. She won't last the weather and woods.

Hurting from head to toe from the rapes and them hitting me. Cold, scared, and high on whatever. Weak and barefoot I found my pants. I walked sometimes crawled a ways and found a dirt road. I didnt know where to go so I just went. And I got more scared and heard sounds from the woods so I turned around and went the other way.  I seen a bridge and I climbed through the brairs and stickers and made it to the bridge. A car passed me I was scared it was them I started going away from the way the car went. It pulled over down the rode, but then another car passed and almost hit me they stopped. It was 4 young ppl I was crying told them I was raped and needed help. They saw the other car pulled over I said I thought it might be the men the said they would go check that car and come back. They just left me there. How could they just leave? I'm scared I'm cold I'm hurting I wanna go home I wanna take a bath I want my uncle to come get me!!! Wht won't someone help me? I'm standing in the middle of the bridge screaming... help me, please I'm scared! And a man's soft calm voice says, dont be afraid child, I'll help you. Let me help you, you dont have to be afraid any more.

It was the first car that had passed, and pulled over. He came back when the others left me. 

I told him I was raped and left I didnt know where I was. He sat me in the front seat, smiled and said its gonna be ok! Your young but you probably need this and gave me a cigarette.  Oh my did I need that. It helped me calm down and focus.  

I remember some any detailed like I was there right now and others are a faze. I dont remember the color of his car or shirt or hair or his name, but I remember that white cigarette pack with the red and blue sheild. Viceroy. Only viceroys I ever smoked and I chain smoked them that night!!!

He drove me to the beats police station.  A small country town dome 50 miles from my home. No one was at my re station.  We drop to the local cafe. There sat 2 police cars. He went in spoke to the officers and came out with them. I dont remember leaving the cafe parking lot but I woke up in the police station in a chair talking to an officer crying saying I want to go home I need a bath. Then I woke up again in a hospital 25 miles away.  I knew this hospital.  I remember a nurse taking my clothes putting them in a bag, then I was laying on a bed ppl talking. I woke again when she plucked hair from my privates.  Then they put something in me and I cried  stop help someone help me. It was horrible. I was in and out then I woke up in a chair talking telling my story to a lady and I turned my head and yes, yes my uncle is here beside me holding me . Yes uncle take me home make them stop hurting me.  Then we are standing and He's  crying telling me I'll  come get you as soon as I found your sister GJ. I love you I'll be back for you, as officers pull me out of his arms and tell me I have to go with them. 

Then they put me in a police car and leave the hospital.  I wake again as they take me out the car and into a room with glass wall one one side and concert on the others a lady takes me in to a shower area like a gym locker room. She makes me take my hospital gown off spayed me with some powder then hoses me down like a dog. Gives me a uniform to put on and takes me to a cell and says I have to stay till someone with custody comes to get me. The door is heavy metal and locks a small viewing window.  The room has a concrete slap like a place to but a small mattress but I have no mattress.  Only a thin blanket. There's a sink and a toilet made of metal. They let me go into a group room with a tv for an hour a day with other girls. I dont talk to anyone. I'm so scared. I'm here two and a half days. My uncle comes my big sister is with him she has some old temp custody papers mom sighed for her to but me in school while mom was on ty he road. They get me my sister says ok uncle I got her out now shes your problem and leaves. My uncle takes me home with him. It's clear my aunt doesn't want me there. My cousins are there I now know the games they played were not games. I dont want to talk to them. My uncle said i called your mom's boss he said he could route her straight home, but he told him she wanted to stay out and work you could stay with me.

I stayed a few days, then my granny and my aunt came to see me. And they took me home with them. Now I am safe and with ppl I know love me. But I know that cant care for me for long so its temporary.  

No one every spoke about what happened ni one asked if I was ok life just went on. 

I meet a guy few months later. He's a friend of my other cousin's and I'm hanging out with my cousin so I she him alot. He likes me. When he makes his move and tells me he wants to be my boyfriend I agree and do whatever he wants  I'll give it to him cause I never want it taken from me again! 

This shaped my life for the next 15 years. That's was my thinking...

I'll give it to him cause I never want it taken from me again!

I have four kids I love very much and I raised mostly alone. A few abusive relationships.  A few failed marriages.  

Then one day I finally stood up for myself!!! And now my life and my body is mine and mine alone!

 I am married to a great guy that thinks I hung the moon. My kids are grown and I have grand children. 

Oh yea, and I forgave my mom and we were friends the last few years of her life. I dont speak to my sisters, I forgave th them the things and asked forgiveness.  But I just dont have to have anyone in my life that is not a positive influence.  And I'm ok with that